It has been a little over 5 years since I last self-injured.
Today I have 2 years clean and sober.
My journey has been long and difficult.
I cannot pinpoint how or when my journey took another path, or how exactly it was I stopped harming myself.
All I know is that this choice for me has never been easy. I still sometimes have those thoughts.
All of my life prior to this moment was spent feeling hurt.
Like all of the abuse that others perpetrated upon me was my fault.
That part of me needed my pain to be seen. Acknowledged.
And if someone spotted the horrors of my past that had splayed upon my skin, that somehow the grotesque feelings and images inside of my mind that those monsters eternally etched and painted there for eternity were finally be acknowledged for the ugliness that they truly were.
That isn't quite how any of that ever played out.
Suddenly, they weren't the monster, I was.
I needed to bring myself into reality, and the only way that any of it felt real was in that one razorsharp moment.
It centered, rounded and protected me. It was the only safety I had, the pain that I could control.
The pain that I could stop at any moment.
I am glad that this space still exists, because it is the only space I have ever felt safe to ever express my truth in.
I am still finding my way through the darkness.
But each day I confront my demons, more light passes through my spirit. Read more »