Suicide appeared to me for the first time when I was ten. A friend attempted to commit suicide and I had no idea how to help. How could I? The second time suicide appeared itself was only so many years ago. My little cousin tried. And the worst part is... She is only eleven and has tried more than once. Then last year I had two friends try to commit suicide. One of them tried multiple times. That'...s not including the ones who have thought about it or self-harmed. And now I have more friends thinking about it. Am I mad? No. Am I heartbroken? Yes. But I understand. How? Because I have thought about it too. Way more than you might think. But I found a reason to live. So while some of you are in the darkest of places hold on for just a little bit longer. Look up to the sky, close your eyes and breathe. Go ahead and collapse to the ground. Cry as hard as you can. Scream at the world. But remember to leave your heart open.

Living in a house with two autistic people (three if you include me) isn't always a walk in the park. Especially since concepts have to be explained over and over again. My brother is severely autistic and I feel helpless because I can't fix him. We're going to be fifteen soon and he just started using full sentences. I hate hearing him cry at night, but I can't do anything to fix it.

"Use your words," my mom will say.
"I. I-I wwwant ride in car to store." He'll say.
"Alright, let me figure out where I'll get the money for that."

My typically developing brother will ask for something and my mom will say, "Sorry, sweetheart. We've got to eat, and I don't have the money for that."

I am so very careful not to ask for anything, because the money just isn't there. We don't get any assistance for my brother; and half of our county's population is abusing the welfare system. I hate seeing my mom cry. Because in that moment, I feel so powerless. I just sit there and hug her every time she cries.

"I'm a mother with three children and no education. And I can't work, either." My severely autistic brother is a full time job within itself. I knew we didn't have a lot of money, but I never knew we were this low into it. Taxes go up, my dad's pay goes down. It's like a fucking see-saw. She won't let me work until we move, but when we do she won't let me use it to help the family out. Read more »

I tried....I tried so hard, keepin in touch and all he did was ignore me, and not talk to me, and when he did, It was short answers. 

Stupid Love, Stupid Hopes </3

I havent heard from him since almost 2 weeks, I didnt even get a goodbye or a closesure! What a wuss!!!! No man just leaves like that. Very coward way to do. 

Im mad, Im disapointed, Im so sad and my heart is hurting.

Reality has hit, and I don’t like it. I’m not ready for what is to come. All the sudden, I don’t want this to happen.

I didn’t go to bed until four this morning, so needless to say I didn’t get up in time to go get my phone fixed. Oh well, my mom said she’d call the company. We went to the store for a little bit, and my Fibromyalgia came back. The next thing I knew, I couldn’t grip or hold anything with my hands and my arms were shaking. People stared as I dropped merchandise left and right. It looks like I’ll need to go back onto my sleep medication for a little while.

I overheard my mom’s conversation. She’s going to die soon. And I don’t know if I can go up there to visit and see her in the condition that she is in without breaking down. In fact, I don’t want to see her so ill. She. Is.Going.To.Die.

We’re also getting boxes soon and people are calling so they can help us move. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to leave what I know. I go back to therapy on May 7^th.

I’m triggered right now, so I think I should just stop typing for a little bit.