It was a Wednesday…Wednesday March 12 2014.
I imagine it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. If I could feel it, I also imagine it would be very happy. Maybe, someday, if I wait long enough and try hard enough, I could be very happy too. Maybe if someone could love me, then I could love me too.
It had almost been two months since we’ve talked to you. Two months ago, you were beginning to forget us and our relation to you. That’s what this disease is. You’ve lost more circulation in the last two months, more rapidly than ever before. You can die at anytime, but it looks like it won’t be too long before you’re gone. Before my world stops spinning. Apparently you’re always cold and your limbs are really bad. Doctor’s said that you’re too weak to make it through any surgery; that you wouldn’t make it out alive.
I had this feeling for couple of days or even 2-3 weeks. It comes like after 6 PM around bed time and sometimes I just feel like crying my eyes out or to even hurt myself. It just hurts so much inside. I cant really describe what kind of feeling it is. Like anxiety but not exactly like it. I think I have to go and get some pills my doctor gave to me for awhile ago I just never went and got them…I just cant go on like this.
A slightly modified version of a recent journal entry:
Until very recently, I’d never really had a reason for why I did it (situationally, it was clear, but I’m talking about a general it will fall into this broad category 95% of the time type of reason). What my friend asked me all that time ago in September has never left my head. That question is “why?” “I don’t know” is all I could say.
So, I lost my job. I’m a little strapped for cash until Friday. Then, I have another paycheck, a large tax return, etc. Anyway, my sister decides it’s okay if I pick up some food on her. I’ll leave it to your imagination, but I’ll say she’s not even paying for the stuff. Nothing illegal going on, though.
What to do, what to do? Can’t sleep, mind is racing, and my back is killing me. I have so many scars that I can’t self-harm anymore and I am so stressed out I’m literally ripping my hair out. My back has made me house bound for a year and nothing has worked even though I have tried everything. I have weighed the pros and cons of living and dying many times but the only thing that keeps me alive is a few family members and friends. I feel close to where I was 4 months ago when I was barely saved from my first suicide attempt. What to do, what to do?
I was, moments ago, thinking about heating a pan on the stove - empty - to torture myself with. On a whim - in a daydream - I put the pan to my naked back cold. Cold works. Far less damaging and the shock of contact felt right. If you - like me - are a burner, try touching yourself with cold objects instead to put off the cravings. Going to go turn on the ice maker. Got another idea. I’m so happy I’m not going to pick up any new scars tonight.
I know its hard to stop cutting i still havent stopped but you should all know your all beautiful in your own way no matter what anyone says just remember that