I bought three pitchers (two for tea, one for water) a few days ago and just now put them into the refrigerator.  Such a simple thing brought back such a memory.  I remembered staying at my mother's place, going into the refrigerator, grabbing a pitcher of tea, pouring a cup putting it back, and spending so much time putting it back.

The handle had to be facing straight out, the lid had to be turned ready to pour.  If not, if she couldn't find anything else to be mad about, she would get mad.  Genuinely mad.  Twenty minutes trying to put a pitcher of tea away.  So much tension.

I remember this now, and read her text jokingly asking if I'm too busy to call or reply to any of her recent messages.  I reply, "Very busy."  SENT.

So I thought that my last blog I did last week was going to be my last but I guess not. Kinda feel like I have to talk get this shit out guess after you read this you'll see why.

I'll start with Saturday night the night of prom. I was forced to go to it. So the dress I had to wear was two sizes to big I fixed it so it wouldn't fall off. I hide my scars with makeup and since I had cut my thigh the night before.

We took pictures I felt so small standing next to my 'little' brother and his best friend. Who I had to go with him which felt awkward since I've known him since he was in kindergarten. But standing next to my brother who is '5'10 and his friend on the other side of me who is '6'2' I think. Made me feel really small I know I'm I guess average height '5'5' though I don't know what people would call average.

After pictures we had to go out to eat I got a small salad the size of what looked to be a cup and ate only a small amount. Before the guys said something about it telling me I'm fat and that I'll pop if I eat more. I just sat there and waited until they were done with there shrimp pasta that was in huge ass bowls. When they finished they complained that they eat to much and I felt sick for having to watch them eat that much. But past dinner and before everything was alright I actually thought it would be a normal night. Read more »

Now i lay me down to sleep

i close my eyes and barely breathe

i drop the blade onto the ground

and then i barely make a sound

Silent and peacefull i will wait

for heaven to open up its golden gates

I promised someone very close to me that I wouldn't cut myself again, no matter how bad I was hurting.

My friends know I always keep my promises.

But this one is SO HARD to keep right now. When I feel all this so strongly, I just want it to flow out of me. I want to feel something else hurt. Something I can SEE.

:(