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anxiety

Stages of distress...

I don't even have the nerve to write up a list. From 10-1 in a month. I get a great contract job, it expires, but I do such great work that I am called up for an interview upstairs. I get that job, and 3 days into training, I get sick. Supposedly with pneumonia. My leg has been slightly sore since November... it gets worse with the pneumonia, so I spend 2 days at the clinic and am sent to the ER to get tested for a blood clot since leg pain and chest pain/breathing problems go hand in hand. Results are negative. Can't work for 10 days. Pain gets worse, and after 3 different tests, 4 hospital visits, and a month off work and now I'm in crutches the pain is so severe.  Read more »

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backdexberry Stages of distress... in Blog entry published by 3 months ago ()

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Make it stop! (Triggering-Suicide)

I'm so frusterated I can't even talk right. The anger and sadness is just whirling through my head. I'm not the strong person I appear to be. I'm falling apart as each day passes. I can't take it anymore. I want to spend one last special moment with everyone who is close to me as if I'm saying my final farewell.

I can imagine my funeral. I'd make everyone wear colorful pretty things-not black. My cousins and friends would be in denial. My autistic brother wouldn't register that I'm dead. My teachers and fellow classmates could care less. I could imagine the ceremony starting, and my eight year old cousin screaming out for me. I'm scared of hurting everyone else, but nothing compares to the pain I feel now. My newly born cousin wouldn't ever remember me, she'd grow up saying,"Oh yeah I had a cousin but I don't remember her because she killed herself when I was a baby."

People think suicide is selfish, but I argue differently. What about the pain that suicidal people feel? Classmates were making fun of suicide today. I hate going to sleep because I hate waking up to this hell day after day as I continue to get deeper in this hole. We're all going to die anyway, so why not save the pain and do it now? I believe if an individual doesn't want to continue their life, then they should have the right to put an end to their missery. Read more »

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autismtwin Make it stop! (Triggering-Suicide) in Blog entry published by 6 months ago ()

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No where else to turn

I have a question for you out there to see if any one may have an idea of what is going on with me. I will tell you what happend and how I felt and maybe you can help.

The other day things did not go as planned. The day before all my planns got cancelled and then that day things didn't go as expected. I was excited about getting out of work early that day and spending time with my family. But then work didn't go the way i'd invisioned it. and then my dad was late picking me up. I get really anxious when i have to wait at work to get picked up. By the time he got there i was so upset i was practically in tears. I no longer had any interest in grocery shopping nor did i really want to hang out with my family at the movies as planned. I was like a little kid tiwsting and moaning in my seat - i felt like i was going to jump out of my skin. Thankfully i was with them and not at home cuz at that point there is no doubt in my mind i would of self injured. it took a while but by the time it was movie time i had gotten over it.

My question is what would cause this intense reaction? is it ocd about not having things go my way, or was i anxious about things not happening as planned and having to wait at work, am i afriad of being abandoned at work - the longer i wait maybe they aren't coming?

I know i get axnious when people are running late, or if im running later, or if i am in a store that is about to close I can go in there (for fear i'll get locked in? idk) Read more »

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No where else to turn in Blog entry published by 9 months ago ()

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