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failure

Forgiveness?

My Dad is a Pastor.

The church as always wanted me to be some kind of "leader."  They think I'm such a strong person, and a good example. What if they knew I'm really weak?  What if they knew all the ways I have failed?

Over. and over again.

Sometimes, I try to pray about it. I don't blame God for the things that have happened. But I blame myself for not being strong enough. I did so many stupid things trying to just BE HAPPY. I hurt myself, because when I did, I felt like I WAS in control. I hurt others emotionally, because I still wanted to be in control of everything.

Everyone thinks I'm some amazing Christian. Even my family thinks I am.  I even thought I was strong. But I broke. Now I don't know how to forgive myself, even if other people can :(

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theatredancer Forgiveness? in Blog entry published by 3 weeks ago ()

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Hard truth

I pretend I know whats happening. I pretend I know where I'm going. I lie to myself everyday, telling myself I know the truth, only me, no one else will understand. But I'm wrong. I don't know whats happening, why its happening. I think I undersatnd why I hurt myself but not why I started. When did it become ok to have scars? To want pain? When did blood become nesessary?

I being to see through my lies. The ones I tell myself and the ones I tell to those close to me. " I can stop, it's nothing. I don't have a problem. I fell. I've stopped. I promise. I'm sorry."

The truth is it's been less than five days since I cut and I want to again but I can't because my friends will see, my friends will look. The truth Is I don't know where I am going except that I'm waiting to crash, for someone to stop me. Because, no matter what I say. I can't stop myself not because I'm not able to but because I don't want to. Even though I need to.

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Hard truth in Blog entry published by 9 months ago ()

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