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Bisexuals among you?

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For the past few years I've been cutting myself in my fore-arm, creating a series of aligned cuts. The feeling of the texture of these recessed scars is beautiful, exciting and intoxicating to me. Recently, within a month, I came to realize being truly bisexual. I've had bisexual fantasies and desires in my past, but nothing close to this strong, overwhelming.

As a male, I've always been heterosexual, being attracted to women. Previously I've had bouts of attraction to the same sex, without any actual experience or emotion - just fantasy and longing for. Now I have huge emotions towards other males, while women (providing all emotion and lust I needed in the past) cause no emotion in me whatsoever today.

Bisexuality is for me a constantly shifting position with regards to the sex of attraction. I'm never attracted to both sexes at once. It's either guys or women. It may change suddenly. And each time you need to recreate you identity: You are not hetero, you are not gay... The general public will never understand you.

It's pain, it's anguish! It is a torture to need to constantly re-evaluate your own preference towards males and females, to constantly re-evaluate your identity. You're not hetero and you're not gay, although your preference at any one time may take any of those forms. In view of the general public, you're either a liar or nothing at all.

This pain! Today I listened to some music by Eurythmics and Annie Lennox. While listening, I cut a deep scar in my right fore-arm. I longed for a guy, a boyfriend, but did have no-one, not even closely resembling one around, loner as I am. The pain was much too great, so I rather transformed the mental pain into a physical one.

I've read about bisexuals being more prone to self-harm or suicide attempts than other hetero or homo-sexuals. Maybe this is true? I do not wonder if it's true, what I've gone through.

In a few days time I have one scar more, a one more merit of a battle with myself. I know I'll cherish it, but the emotional pain will still linger. I don't know when I will be at peace with myself!

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The Author

Creativity - Other Written Work published by 2 years ago ()

Comments

Kiba Kiba

Nothing wrong with being bisexual

1 year () (Permalink)

When I use to be in school everyone would make a big deal if you were gay, lesbian, or bisexual. I never saw what the big deal was about but I know I got made fun of a lot because I'm single, not looking, and excepting of all sexuality. I've never had a girlfriend, boyfriend, and I've never looked while most people my age are drooling on the prettiest people they see. Plus I have two friends online that are bisexual. Anyways it's your life so love whatever gender you want to! And remember true friends except you no matter what you do or who you love!  

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Anonymous (not verified)

I understand your

1 year () (Permalink)

I understand your feelings.

 

I'm bisexual or hetero-flexible as I prefer to say. I'm a woman and I'm in a committed relationship with a man, but I always think about my desires for women. I've never done more than kiss women, but I fantasize and dream. I feel guilty because, not only do I want to experiment beyond the heteronormative boundaries, I want to experiment outside of my relationship. I want to be a bisexual woman, but not lose my boyfriend.

I hurt myself because I should be just content and make my life easier. Just be straight. It makes more sense, but nooo..I have to make shit difficult for myself. I shouldn't want these atypical things, but I do. I have to punish myself for wanting. 

Regardless, I've never posted on a site like this before, but I like knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings, the struggles of defining sexuality, compounded with the need to self-injure. It helps. 

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PoisonFlowers PoisonFlowers

Having recently accepted the

2 years () (Permalink)

Having recently accepted the fluid nature of my sexuality, I know where you're coming from.The thing is, you shouldn't get caught up trying to make yourself "fit" into these rigid labels. If you feel a certain way, it's not because you're gay, straight, bi, pansexual or anything in between. Things are rarely that straightforward. It's because you're you.

Ahaha...this is ironic. I'm trying to give advice when I need to help myself. I'm pretty much a loner too.

I say that I've accepted this about myself, but there's still a part of me that recoils and is disgusted. I know that there's nothing wrong with it (I can happily demolish any excuse of an argument against homosexuality) and that it comes from my upbringing or whatever, but I still can't shake this feeling.

What you said about the cuts - I'm like that too. Or rather, I was. I've quit as of two days ago.

I hope you can find some peace of mind. By the way, have you heard the song "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park? Your second to last sentence reminded me of it. I've been listening to it a lot lately. No prizes for guessing why hehe.

I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m Forgiving What I’ve Done

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