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cutting has only once served as an intentional suicide attempt for me.
i dont associate hurting myself with killing myself,
despite what i might actually be doing,
and my usual attempt mechanism has been by overdosing.

but lately,
as i find myself desperate to escape from more than just the usual,
im seriously contemplating whether or not thats how im going to leave.
its all very easy for me to make a run down to luckys
to buy a bottle of pills
(especially since ive discovered that as a minor,
i can buy over the counter medication)
or to cheek the ones that are distributed to me twice daily
for psychological impairments, as they call it
but im beginning to wonder if i should resort to
the thing i love most
and give myself up to the blade.

i dont know.

i just posted in an indirect, non-confrontational manner
that i was proud of myself
for leaving my stitches in and staying safe and what not
but i am horribly self contradicting and have completely disregarded my accomplishments.

i will not make an effort to kill myself tonight,
as this is an ongoing battle
and ive attempted many more times then ive liked to.
but im struggling with the will to stay safe.

i know in the end,
im going to do what persists
so dont feel obligated to respond to this.
i dont want to make anyone feel like their advice was insignificant to me.

things are just hard.