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Ugh, not again. I promised never again. There goes another promise, the same promise, again. But it all happened so fast. Where did all this crap start in the first place?
It was after April 29th, 2006, I'm pretty sure. Some kid had tried to kill me by chocking me with a seat belt. It was very traumatizing. I was depressed all the time after that. Then i heard some person taking about how their sister dealt with depression. Cutting. 'Cutting? Like slicing your skin up cutting? How could anyone do that to them selves?' I thought. Then i got curious. What if that did actually help? I ended up trying it, and the weird thing was, I wasnt depressed at the time. It was only a small cut, a cm long. I used a pushpin and tired to be a little creative. The scar kinda looks like a backwards 1 now.
And when was the next time? What made me do it? Something told me that all my friends hated me and that my "boyfriend" at the time hated me as well. I didnt want to go on, I didnt want to hurt anyone anymore. That night ended with a lightning bolt carved into my wrist. I didnt hurt...till the next morning. I couldnt believe what I had done. The feelings from the day before were still there and worse. I was disgusted. I was going to end myself that night. God bless him. If i hadnt gotten on the computer that night and talked to him, I wouldnt be here. But still, what was done on my wrist was done. I promised to never again cut....
July rolled around and I was depressed again.... I was in love with him and he had rejected me twice. He had a girlfriend again and it was too painful to watch. I had to end that pain. That night ended with a J carved into my wrist. I told him what I had done a couple days later. I got the biggest lecture in the world. I promised to never cut again....
A few months later, I still loved him. He had just broke up with his girlfriend and now one of the girls I despise was after him. She rubbed it in my face that she liked him and was going to go out with him. I told her you shouldnt go out with someone if you know you're going to break up with them later. She didnt listen. I hated what was happening and coulnd take it. The next morning, I had a cut on my hand. I told him a few days later and he was mad. I didnt tell him the truth why I did it. I had made him mad enough already. I hated myself for it. But once again, I promised to never again cut....
Its the end of May and I've been doing just fine. Depression no longer has a place here. I dont know what went wrong though. I had a headache, I couldnt think straight. I was screaming at myself for letting bad thoughts in my head. I took a shower and my absentmindedness and whatever else it was took over. Next thing I knew, there was a razor on my leg. My mind was screaming, no not again, dont do this, But i went further. I went to my room. the night ended with a pepsi logo carved into my hip. I seriously dont know what brought me to do it. I've never regretted something so much in my life. I wish I had more control. But this time, I promised him, I will Never Again cut....