My former best friend... She gave me the idea, We were in sixth grade, so I started when I was twelve, in january '07. I was depressed and crying a lot, I guess you could say I was totally sick of crying, and not being able to figure out what was wrong. one night I was crying, and I had this pen clip, you know those things on the side of pens that hook them to something. It was metal and the edge was sharp, so I scratched my wrist with it. I did that for about a 3-4 days. I scratched my left wrist and the upper part of that same arm. I got caught when I went to the nurse because they were sore and people kept hitting that part of my arm. I was so pissed, I felt as though they did it on purpose to punish me for my stupid and selfish weakness, my need to feel pain of a different sort. My parents didn't notice until then. The nurse went to the school councelor and she made me call my parents, who in turn put me back in counceling. So started a losing battle, that I still struggle with... From the pen clip came scissors, since the councelor took the clip from me. I would even do it in school, if someone made me feel like an idiot. But after the councelor caught me I took to doing it at home... I told my parents I would stop but I never did. I would use these red-handled scissors, and cut my fingers, the place in between the first and second knuckles. Then, since I was really into candles and I had a lot of candles I would take needles or safety pins and held them to the flame and then burn my left wrist. I would often do several burns at once since they were small. I even used a spring from a broken pen once. They made little circles that I thought were pretty. In seventh grade, the next year, towards the end of the middle of the year a lot of kids started doing eraser burns. Being the curious girl that I am, I tried it. This friend of mine gave me a white rectangular eraser and in the classes we had together we would each do a burn. I have five on my left hand, and two on my ankel. I even have one on my hip. After I started smoking my SI turned to lighter burns and friction burns from those litle caps with holes in them that cover erasers on mechanical pencils. I did my first cigarette burn in october 08. Me and my friends went to one of their houses and we had some beer, and were messing around, dancing and grinding on her bathroom door to beyonce. We were at my friend cassie's house and she had some cigarettes so we lit up and the other friend that was there declined except for a few hits of cassie's. I asked them what they thought would happen if I put mine out on my arm, so they dared me to do it. I'm also not one to turn down a dare, so as my cigarette burned down closer to the filter I pressed it to my arm and held it there til it was cool. I peeled off the skin of the burn so it would scabbed over quicker... Now I've got a pretty circular scar amongst the u's from lighters, and the oblonged friction burns. My SI goes in cycles, I say I want to quit, and I will for awhile but then something major will happen followed by something else upsetting, and I'll do it again. I will say I do hate it, but I also love it. It's not something my mom can take from me. I recently started doing carvings. I take a metal pen, and heat it up with a lighter and carve something into my leg. I've done a circle and half a heart since the other half didn't burn in. I also have a lighter burn on my left leg, and a cigarette burn on my arm that I did after a fight and wrestling match with my mother two days ago. I've also used the middle part of a hair clip and slashed my arm with it, as well as carving fuck and a star into my arm at my ex-girlfriends house. The fuck carving and the star didn't scar, but the slash marks did. I'm not proud of my scars, at times they spell out my shame but at other times I think they show that I am a survivor of the shit I've gone through. They show my pain, my strength too in a way. I don't do this because I want to die. I'd rather burn to prevent just that, with burning you don't have to worry about going to deep like you do with cutting. But they get the job done. I also bite and chew on my lips. They're kind of scabbed right now. I use this site because I know others understand. I've been increasingly isolated, and in case I don't get the chance I'd like people to know, and learn my story.. Maybe it's not important, or maybe it's helped somehow by showing you you're not alone, and hell, you're not if there's sites like these.