I am writing this at the age of 21 now, All my life things have been constantly getting screwed up. I remember when everything started course most people remember when the pain starts. Pain clings to a person a hell of a lot tighter then then any good thought feeling, or memory. My story began when I was nine or ten years old. I was living with both of my parents my older sister and older brother as well as my twin sister. We lived in a four bedroom house with neighbors on either side of us. the neighbors to the right of my house had been long time family friends. They were an older couple answered to the names of Steve and Lorraine.

So the trouble started in about 5th grade every morning my twin and I would go next door to their house and catch the bus to school b/c my rents left b4 it got there. Steve started over stepping his boundaries. He started off with comments towards my sister and I. on nights when we were made to sleep over there i remember waking up in the spare bed with him standing in the door way looking at us. He would says something like I bet you don't know how many kisses I stole from you last night. Slowly through out the year he got worse. Telling us he had pictures of us going to the bathroom, well for fear of being true every time i used the bathroom there, I would always make sure he wasn't hiding in the linen closet before i actually used the bathroom. Now the hatred for this guy grew stronger inside me with each passing day, as a result of this at the age of 10 my vocabulary towards him was quite colorful . His wife was no better, I went to her when Steve made a comment to me about trying to get up my shirt, and then "jokingly" pulled my shirt up slightly before i jerked away. I went to his wife and she was like he was kidding,well for my young age I was unaware that you don't joke with a child that way. Moving on.... after all of this took place he chilled out for a few days, It was so random and in the pit of my stomach it made about as much sense as the boom box on the kitchen floor that looked out of place. Well low and be hold I should have listened to my gut feeling. That ass hole taped my sister and I swearing at him, talk about a jerk move... He then took the tapes of us swearing at him and hid them, once he knew we couldn't get a hold of them he blackmailed us, as well as bribing us with candy. (the usual creeper trade mark.) With the hell this guy put me through you would think i would tell my parents, but after his wife not really caring I was left to think that my parents wouldn't believe me. So I just dealt with the pain, for the next year, nearing the end of my fifth grade year, was when things got bad, I had gotten off the bus and Steve was outside on his three wheeler, I was young and liked them, so i got on it with him. He took me for a ride out in the gravel pit behind our houses. When we were deep in the woods, i don't remember when but we changed seats and I was driving, we were in a field when he put his hand in between my legs, I remember trying to get off the three wheeler but he grabbed me by the hips and put me back down. i freaked out, I don't remember much after that, until I got home. I'm not sure why I can't remember but at this point in my life i don't really care.

onward and forward..... The details are a bit hazy up until about the day before sixth grade It was a normal day, Steve's wife had taken their grandson school shopping so my sister and I were being baby sat by Steve. I remember sitting in the kitchen watching TV, my sister was on the Porch watching TV and Steve was sleeping on the couch in the living room. Then for some reason My sister and I both got a weird feeling. We walked into the living room and tried to wake Steve up but had no luck, Then he started gasping for air, like he couldn't breath. I grabbed the phone and called my house where my brother was (he was old enough to be home alone) He answered and i said Kyle Steve is breathing funny, he came over and called 911 but it was too late. My sister and I at the age of 10 almost 11 watched this man die. A few weeks passed and the new school year was in full swing. My parents still did not know about the hell their daughters we reduced to. I figured he was dead the pain is over. Not even close. After Steve died, his wife started coming over EVERY night for dinner, being a close family friend i guess she felt that she could throw in her two cents every time I did something wrong. She messed with my head for three years, she didn't like the way I dressed or cleaned the kitchen or my bedroom. I was reduced to being put down everyday. until the summer before 9th grade. There were sometimes i stood up to her and tweaked on her, but i always got yelled at for it. So in about 7th or 8th grade I started cutting, I wasn't full into it, but I was doing it, I had a huge hatred for myself and Lorraine. With no power over her and my parents taking her side all the time, I was falling apart. My mom say my arm, and yelled at me. That was the concern I got from her. My dad stayed out of it. By the time 8th grade came and went, I was getting pushed to my limits, one summer day in the middle of aug. I got fed up and everything came out on Lorraine when she decided to tell me what to do yet again. I told her about everything her husband did, and she slapped me. Being as heated as I was laughed at her. She of course didn't believe me not surprising. After she found out, my parents were the next to find out there was no hiding it at this point. For the longest time I didn't think my parents believed me. My mother and I still have not had a full conversation about the situation. i'm 21 now. it's been 11 years, o and Lorraine still gets invited to family events by my parents.

So High school has come and gone and I still look back on it, I was a cutter, not hard core but I did it. The sensation from it is so amazing, if you are crying and you cut about 5 to 10 min later you feel so much better. So much better. I didn't however reach the lowest point of my life until this passed summer though. I had a friend last spring, He seemed a bit on the crazy side but we always had fun. Then my husband and I started having issues, and my friend got involved with telling me things I should do. Now with the mind set that I was in at the time everything that he was saying to me made sense. So the issues b/w my husband and I grew and i didn't know how to handle things. My "friend" at the time started getting pissed off at me, things got quite abusive, both physically and mentally. He would constantly tell me that I had nothing to live for. I wasn't allowed to drive my own truck, he was the only allowed to according to him, He almost killed us several times in that damn truck. hitting animals for the fun of it, ripping donuts in it, romping it sideways across his drive way at like 50 MPH. 105 in a 55 his thoughts at this time were going over tweaking the wheel and killing us both (he told me this) I couldn't stand it any more. I sat in my truck one night at the bottom of his driveway with a mixed bottle of seroquel in my hand. This bottle contained 200mg long lasting 100mg long lasting and 50mg short term pills of the sleeping anti psychotic. I thought about it for an hour, down the bottle leave the truck and just walk till i dropped. As you can tell that never happened as I'm writing this now. Another night we were sitting in my dad's shed chilling in front of a fire. We got talking and he told me everything that I had been thinking about, like he was reading it out of a book. I was so down on my self at this point I didn't want to be around anyone, I started sleeping in my truck and not eating,

This "friend" of mine then started playing sides so that when my husband and I split up I was left with nothing, I had nothing to offer him any more, I had no money and my husband took my truck. So for the entire summer i was alone. I didn't trust any one, I started cutting close to every day. If i was lacking a blade of any kind I would burn my arm. At this point I was living back at my parents house, and I was losing my mind, I felt so useless, and I felt like I was losing control of my life. I couldn't stop the thoughts in my head, I was a very angry depressed person.

Now the summer has passed my husband and I have worked things out, and my "friend" is no longer in my life. things are going great, they are not perfect and I tend to slip up and the thoughts and anger are still inside me, but I'm trying to work through it.