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I don't know. Ok. So my name is Alyssa and I'm 14. I'm in 8th grade. I'm normal. I have friends, I really do. My parents are educated, good parents. I have a little brother. I live in a nice house, in a small town. I play the flute in band. I love it. I hate math. I love History. I like to read. I go to church. I believe in God. I  go to basketball games. I have good days, I have bad days. I like little kids. I have dreams. I want to be a mom. And a teacher. Someday. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I get crushes, bad grades, and have glasses. I'm about as average as you can get. Oh yeah....sometimes I cut too.

I've never really had any major problems. Not like most of these stories. I mean, I fight with friends. Drama. But so does the whole rest of the 8th grade population. It's what happens. I know how to deal. But other then that, I don't have any real big problems. But that is what bothers me the most. When I think about how lucky I am, I feel stupid feeling this way. I have absoloutly no reason too.

I guess I should tell you my short story. So, I'm kind of a sissy cutter. I used to use glass, but not anymore. I threw it away in an attempt to stop. I use a small knife now. A thumbtack. Stuff like that. Stupid stuff. Stuff that gives me pain, but doesn't go deep enough to leave a scar.

I cut 3 times in 2009. In May, in August, and in October. I think. All I really know is 3. My best friends know about the first time. Only one knows about the first and second. No one knows about the 3rd. Or now. Because I've just started again. And just like last time, I don't know why.

Thats what my friends asked when I told them after a breakdown at camp last summer. "Why?" I told I really didn't know. I hated that.

I know 2 others who cut. One told me. She has reasons. She's had a tough time this year. But she also tells, like everyone when she does it. I think half of it is for attention. It took me 2 months to even tell my best friends. I don't do it for attention. Never. And the other person I found out today. He's got it tough too. But I haven't talked to him. He doesn't know I know. Everyone knows about him. And her. No one knows about me. I don't do it for attention.

So why? Why? Why? Why? There is no reason. I should be happpy. I am happy. Kinda. I get moody. Daily. I cry....over.....everything.....EVERYTHING. It's sad. But so does Megan. She doesn't cut. I always feel like I need to be perfect. My parents and friends and others always tell me how smart I am, how talented, how nice, what a good listener, good little church girl. HA. Ok. Whatever....is that it? I feel like everyone wants me to be perfect. Maybe. But not all of it. Cause lately I don't care anymore. Screw them. But I can't forget. But.....why else? I like the pain. No......not the pain. The relief. The control. I love the control. How it can hurt, bad. But only for a minute! Then it's gone. I like that.

My parents don't know. My parents will never know. I don't know what they would do. I don't want to put them through that. I can control it. I know I can. I have for a year. It's ok.

Suicide isn't a problem. I've thought about it, sure. But not seriously. I'd never have the guts. I'd never WANT to. Like I said, I have dreams. But I also have an outlet. Thats my cutting.

Today my friend told me she "didn't consider me emo". I scoffed and smirked and told her that there's a lot she doesn't know. She looked at me and asked if I was gonna tell her. I told her no. I can't tell anyone anymore. No one. Not even my best friend. She gets enough crap from me. She doesn't need  this. No....it'll be my secret. For now.

It's just....God. I am Christian. I am proud. I love church. But, this has to be against something, right?! I don't know. I really wish he would give me someone I knew could help me or something. But then I haven't really asked. I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I think that a lot. I feel bad. For cutting, for being unhappy, mood-swingy, and mean. I wish I could just explain it. Point to something and say "this is what makes me feel this way" but I can't. I feel stupid. I'm lucky. I should be happy. I keep hope that someday it'll all end. I mean, I know it will. But how? How? I'll see. I guess. I told myself I wouldn't cut this year as one of my New Years Resolutions. That didn't work out. It's only February. God, I hope 9th grade is better then 8th grade. Maybe I can learn to flow, stop worrying, and smile without trying. I am slowly but surely finding things, and people......espacially people.....that I AM happy around. No matter what. Maybe all this pain....it's going somewhere. I guess I'll see. I sure as hell hope so though. Cause I need to smile. Soon.