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almost two years.
i'm a cutter. i've tried to quit, so many times. i just felt so guilty all the time. or i was scared. i told my friends, a couple months after i started. they, almost against my will, sent me to the social worker in my school. i was in 8th grade. i stopped for a while. cause i had somebody that i could tell stuff too. and he brainwashed me into thinking cutting is bad. so i stopped. then the end of the year came. and he was bailing out on me. changing schools the next year. my boyfriend was a stupid wanna-be emo, a fake depressed seeking attention. i loved him but left him because i was trying to take care of myself. i stopped my cutting, for a month. my parents knew the whole thing, social worker had told them that i was cutting before, he told them when i stopped, blablabla. the whole thing.
during the summer, i felt horrible inside. horrible. i just felt like shit. like i wasn't worth being there. cutting made me better. it made me someone. i wasn't just nothing anymore. i was something. i am something now. i'm a cutter.
summer past and i kept cutting. nobody knew that i had started again. my ex changed schools and i didnt talk to him after that day i dumped him. i was still very close with my other friend who knew that i used too but i couldn't tell her that i started again. then i found out i was bi. and i felt horrible. it didnt bother me i liked girls too but i felt that i didnt belong. because it wasn't one or the other. then i fell in love with that friend. but she had a boyfriend. and he had moved to australia, but they were still together. one night she slept over at my house and i found out she was bi too. we were giving each other massages and it turned into giving each other handjobs. i felt horrible after, cause i loved her and i knew that she only did that because she missed physical touch. i longed to kiss her but she never we never kissed. i think she didn't want to start something. the month that followed was awkward between us and that just made me feel worse. i kept cutting. i had bits and parts where i stopped, in fear she would find out or my parents would catch me. and ban me from cutting somehow. but i always came back too it.
i've just finished 9th grade. summer has just started again. and i still cut.
i don't even have anything to cut for anymore. i've given up on my friend and slightly fell back in love with my ex, couple months back. i used cut to forget him. to forget her. and it worked. so why give it up? i remember how i used to feel so guilty after cutting. i don't have that anymore. i cut. and i love it. i run my finger over my wound, get the blood. lick my finger and do it again. then it scabs and draws a scar.
i've been reading about cutting and SI (self injury) these last 2 days. a friend, well virtual friend from a message board, turned me on to a website and i read a lot. i saw quotes and real life stories. people who started cutting when they were 12, 14. 15. i started at 13. and they still cut today. they're 30, 35. 44. and are still cutters. it slightly scared me. i saw it as a vision on my future. i know im gonna be one of those who cut for a long time. just the way i feel when i do it. the way i feel when i don't do it. i need it, its part of me now.
this is just a fraction of my story. so many things. my parents who should divorce, fake a good marriage in front of everybody but me and my sister. just feeling so alone all the time. even when i'm surrounded. the way i hate myself. everything.
i need it now. i'm addicted. i know. i cant stop. its almost all i think about. but anyway, i don't have anything else better to think of. my friend tried to tell me that it was bad for me. when i came out (for the.. i dunno-eth time) about how i "started again", i don't get it. why is it bad. i won't die. ill just feel better?
is it a crime, is it disgusting, is it really sick to feel better?