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Well... I'm not sure how to start, and I don't want this to sound like I have the worst life imaginable, because I know there's far worse. I guess i'll start with who I am now, and then go on to what made me that way.

i'm fourteen, and I've harmed myself for two years. I burn, and some times I cut, but I mostly burn. i like the way it hurts worse and scars more than the superficial cuts I do. I smoke, and have for nearly as long as I've hurt myself. I've been to one stress center and have been in counseling for four, maybe five or six years. My mother is looking into sending me to an intensive treatment center until I graduate school, because she doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I've got four burns at the moment and my mom knows. We fight a lot, sometimes I feel like she hates me, but then again I know she doesn't. Her birthday is tomorrow.

At age four my first stepfather started to molest me, and did so until I was nine... He also physically, and mentally/emotionally, abused my sister and I... It's from him that I get my negative thoughts about myself. He's in prison now, Will be for pretty much the rest of his life.
In September of 2007, My second step-father started to molest me. In return he would give me cigarettes, and get me out of some groundings. He also took naked photos of me, and saved them onto our computer. In October 2008 when we moved to a new house, a picture that was a cut and paste of my head onto a naked body was found, and that got police involved and they took our computer and found the actual pictures of me naked, that he had took. I told about the molestation to my counselor and she in turn told my mom who told the detectives. He'll be in prison for two years, not nearly long enough.
I like to say I have no father, and I don't. He left before I was born, him and my mom were never married, and he was a drug-addict. He's been in and out of my life ever since, and recently he's been kicked out of life for good by my mother, he was using me to get to her...

I write, and read a lot. Writing is my passion and my outlet for when I don't want to take it out on my arms, or legs. I burn when I fell guilty or angry at myself, or just to not be numb... I remind myself of everything my first stepfather has told me. I'm trying, and that's all I can say. Sometimes at three in the morning I want to die, I get so lonely, and I make so many mistakes and feel like everyone would be better without me... But then my friend Brad will sneak over and we'll talk and fuck and he'll leave, but I won't feel so alone. I know there's someone in arms length who cares... But maybe a half hour after he leaves I remember my ex, whom I'm no longer allowed to see, and I feel inescapably alone all over again. At this moment, he is the love of my life.

I'm the farthest from perfect, I push away so many of the people who try to help me, and cling to all the wrong people, But I am TRYING. I feel pain, and every other emotion, but it alll just gets so distant, and I can't find my way.
So... By the way, i'm Marissa, i'm fourteen, and this is some of my story.