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My life is not that bad. Im really lucky. This is what i have been told by various people my whole life. If this is true then why do i feel so miserable. Why do i want out so bad. Look back. What is your earliest memory?? Is it baking cookies with your grandma at christmas? Is it vacations with your family? A few weeks ago i relized that i dont remeber my childhood, the images that i have put into my head as "memories" Are just based on stories that i have been told by my mother and father. What am i blocking out? My mom was highly involed with drugs and drinking. We had visitations up untill i was the age of eight. after that i never heard from her. unless she was drunk of course. Every year on my brithday i would wait and wait and hope to hear something from her just to once again be dissapointed. Okay so lets fast forward a little bit to what my life is now. I am 16, i live with my daddy, my step brother, and my step mom. My stepmom and i never get along we are fighting constantally. I hate her guts. I dont know why but everytime i see her i just want to kill someone. I get so angry. She makes me feel like dirt. She never tells me when i look pretty, only when i look "skanky" she dosent let me be a teenager. I mean really im 16 and cant wear a god damn mini skirt, or short shorts or ANYTHING! she is always critizizing me. And she lectures me all the time and it just drives me crazy. when im home and my dads not its kinda of like im the odd girl out you know. Like my mom and brother have so much in common and then there is me. i feel alone, like im nothing. I feel like she is ashamed of me. I feel like my dad is to. that is the wrost feeling in the world. Okay pause... lets go back 2 years. It was Freshman year of highschool. I dont know why but that whole year i was slowly falling into a deep depression. One night it was about 1 in the morning and i was talking to my friends online. I was tearing open a diet coke can cause i dont know i was bored. thats when it happened. the can made a small cut in my thumb. It was that very instant that felt like i could breathe again. It was like an adrinaline rush a high. So without thinking i slowly moved the can to my wrist and it was all down hill from there. Yea it wasent bad only a few scratches nothing bad you know. It wasent untill after camp that summer that it started getting really really bad. One night i was looking in the drawer for the keys to the pool when i discovered my moms pocket knife. I ran upstairs with the keys and started using that to cut myself. Deeper and deeper... more and more. I would slice into my arms and legs, and just go at it fast. sophmore year started and i was determined to make things different... not fail out of school, and not be a total loser. did i mention that freshman year i also started having suvere panic attacks yeah... not fun. sophmore year started out great. But i got worse and wrose. what got better was my acting... the mask that i put on. I got better at hiding it. My mom and i would fight, and then she would make me go for a run to blow off some steam. i wouldnt go for a run, i would go chill behind this rock and go at my arm then sit there and cry as i watched it bleed. In this time period there were also suicide attempts, and starving myself. I was determined to be perfect and when i dont get there i punish myself. People ask me Why do people do that? Well whats easier to deal with mental pain or physical pain? My friend told the school about my suicide attempt and my dad said i was trurning into my mom, and that killed me insdie. He wanted to send me reform school. he wanted to send me away... still dose. get it they dont want me. It got to the point where i didnt even bother to hide it anymore. i would wear short sleves not even caring. Febuary 17 2009. My mom got into a car accidnet. She died on contact. I was in recovery for a while after that i relapsed and i am now in recovery. Every day it gets harder and harder. I am so depressed and all i want to do it cut but i cant. But i still do sometimes. I lost so many friends, by putting to much on them. I am getting a second chance at my new school but im scared of messing up. I just want things to be okay.