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I want to beat your face in. Word vomit, unstoppable, and oh, it's all over me!
Your verbal kicks and hurled insults.
How DISGUSTING!!
'Get away from me!' I say, yell.
But she is ME and SHE can't go away.
And I am holding myself, trying not to fall apart as they ask endless questions. And I am AFRAID. But I am obedient, so I let you hold me, let you tell me it'll be okay.
And I bite my tongue to refrain from asking 'how' HOW?!?!
How will it be okay? And everyone is always, always asking, 'Are you okay?' And i want to say 'no' but I just shrug and nod, choking on that to letter word.
SILENCE!!!
Oh, but it's so loud, ringing in my ears. So I put on music, try yo ignore my angry sick stomach, and the pretty temptation's lovely calling.
But then I fold, tell you, and you call me, talk to me 'til the urge goes away, when really I'm longing to ask the entire time,
"PLEASE LET ME DO THIS ONCE!!"
But then it's sucked inside decay and I am breathing toxic fumes and I don't care because I AM A HUMAN DISEASE!.
And my chest constricts, I am convinced I can't breathe, and old words wrap their fingers around my throat. And i need a cigarette But i'm scared to move, and inside my head I'm yelling that I hurt, and I do, debris of sharpened memories haunting, stabbing into me.
And I want to starve all Imperfection, just to prove Him wrong.
Because he is yelling at me and hitting me and I am just a mistake he screams. To my face. I'm convinced I'm looking at the devil. And that image pulses changes and I am lying on my side, and he is pulling down my underwear, and then he's inside my ass and it hurts so bad, and I am crying, and he thinks I'm still asleep, because I'm scared to do anything but fall onto my stomache and hope to
MAKE IT STOP!
But he doesn't and then the memories keep playing. "Scene Changes"
I am in the explorer and we are talking, my body filled with dread, so I ask and he says if I want to and I don't, but I do, because I have to 'pay' for the cigarettes as if I stole them, when he was the one stealing from me. And his fingers are inside me and my face is blank, I'm trying to pretend this isn't happening to me, until I flip upside-down and his face is between my legs. And all I can think is betrayal, and how I HATE to come! And then I get up and it's his turn. And I am ashamed and disgusted.
DIRTY
VILE
STAINED
And I did it just for cigarettes.

But then I am lying naked on his bed, and he is giving me poses, taking pictures, and I smoke.
Oh, GOD! Go away now, please.
Must I keep writing these memories?? They can't, won't stop playing. We're watching porn, and I feel disgusted, but then i'm paying the price.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP FEELING THIS WAY?!?!?!?!
Stained, vile & violated. Sad. Sick. Filthy. FILTHY, FILTHY, FILTHY FILTHY!!!
But please, please help me, it's not even half the memories.
He calls me into his room to make me filthy one last time, and U strip, as does he and his dick is rubbing me and it feels disgusting and he asks me to tell him to FUCK ME, but I refuse. And I am sick to my stomach now.

And i just want to live and not be
HAUNTED
by these memories that steal from me every time. I want it to GO AWAY.
I don't want to be that girl.

I want to be FREE.
Undamaged-impossible?
Whole-me?
Saved- just help me, please!!

Word vomit, and it's all over me.
Clean up your mess, you should've known this was no place to spill your guts. But you did and there's blood on the floor, mingled with your disease, the words you speak.
There are mirrors on the ceiling, and half the time
YOU is ME, and I am SHE,
And I'm confused, so confused.
I want to cry but the tears won't come unless I'm in his arms. WHY??
I don't understand, Don't understand. I want to be innocent again. I shut my stupid eyes and wish some other world could take me away. But there is no other world but this one so I'm just going to sit here and stare, and breathe, and pretend your arms have taken me someplace else.