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Chapter three

“We’re going to start by introducing ourselves. Say your name, age, and why you’re here.”

There were moans across the room so I’m guessing this is not one of the most favorite activities.

The first girl who started had dark, curly hair. She had a lot of zits too. “I’m Sara, I’m fifteen, and I’m here because I tried to kill myself,” she says, looking down. My eyes automatically dropped to her wrists which were covered in the same white bandages as mine. Figures. This in-patient is all about the crazies. But I had to admit, some of these “crazies” were cute. The boy sitting next to me had the most gorgeous blue eyes; like diamonds. He also had a baby face with dirty blond hair. I saw little circular scars on his arms. I think they were from cigarettes. I would soon find out because he sat next to zit girl.

“My name is Jordan, I’m seventeen, and I’m here for drugs and self injury.”

Well, what do you know? Pretty boy does some self mutilating. I wonder if-

“Cassie?” the therapist said, interrupting my thoughts. “It’s your turn to go.”

“Ugh,” I said with a sigh, “so my name’s Cassie, I’m 16 and I’m here for failing the easiest suicide attempt ever and slicing myself up.”

Nobody moved. Even the air conditioning shut off. I looked over at Jordan and he was smiling.

The group therapist didn’t look happy. “It would be nice if you would take this seriously, but because you just got here, you get a free pass. Alright, next,” she said, motioning to the girl on my left.

Through the rest of the session I stayed quiet, taking quick glances around the room to see if people were looking at me. And I’m sure they were watching but I just never caught them.

I learned that Sarah is an anorexic and schizophrenic, Todd has bipolar and was abusive towards his girlfriend and Karen pulls out all her hair and bites her fingernails until the bleed. There aren’t that many kids here but everyone seems to belong except me. I only did a onetime thing and everyone else has been doing it for years.

            As the day passed I found it hard to cope with the fact that my parents actually left me in the hands of people that like to keep you drugged up. I felt hurt, betrayed. I felt worse knowing that James had found me on the bathroom floor covered in blood. Then there was the fact that everybody at school was probably talking about me. Basically, my life sucked.

            I needed some sort of escape.

            I needed the razor. But how would I get it? This place is locked down like a federal prison.

            I looked around my room trying to see if I could find something I could use to cut. My gaze focused in on a very tiny, but very sharp staple at the base of my bed.

            My heart began racing. Just like before.

            Come on Cassie, just do it already! Said the voice in my head. I checked the hall and made sure no one was in site and I slowly crossed the room to the staple. My hands shook when I picked it up. I tested the sharpness with my index finger. Sharp.

            I rolled up my sleeve and tore off the bandages. I looked for a place to cut where no one would notice. Well, it wasn’t too hard. My whole arm was covered in thin, red/black lines. Some looked as if they were bleeding earlier but it was hard to tell. There was just so many cuts. I loved it.

I placed the staple near the crease of my elbow and I dug it in until I could no longer bear the pain. My hands stopped shaking; my heart stopped racing.

            Everything stopped.

            Relief. Silence. Peace.

            I laughed. Nothing was funny, I was just so happy. So peaceful.

            “What are you doing?” boomed a deep voice.

            “Shit!” I said whirling around. It was Jordan.

            “Please don’t tell! I don’t know what came over me! Please!”

            “Slow down there. I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. I just wanted to know how it felt.”

            I love this boy.