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Do you have a worst fear? And I don’t mean like bugs or the dark or even getting killed by an evil doll, I mean the kind that when you think of it you want to throw up. The kind that makes you want to start running and never stop, it’s the worst kind of fear…the kind that may come true. Well I have a fear like that, it’s that my secret will get out. If my secret was told to or found out by the wrong person my life would be over. My secret is that I cut, a lot.

The worst people to find out would be my parents, they would commit me. They would think they were doing good but the outcome would be the complete opposite. Once I go to a mental institution I know I am never coming out.I am not crazy, my life is though. And the people at a psychiatric hospital can’t do anything about that, so what’s the point? And plus, I like cutting. I don’t want to die so it’s not like they would be saving a life.

My school finding out would be the next worse, and that happened…sorta. I have been question about cutting in the past and I hate it. I hate all the people who think it’s their job to “fix” me. All the pressing teachers, nurses, and therapists drive me crazy. They don’t even have a reason to think I cut, all my scars are on the very top of my thighs so I can wear tank tops and shorts like everyone else in the summer. The only reason they think I am such a nutcase is because I am “morbid”. So what if I like horror movies, the only reason they care is because I am a girl and if it was a boy that liked horror movies they wouldn’t give a shit. But, there was a teacher I trusted with my secret. She was the only one I felt would understand, I felt like she wouldn’t treat me like a freak and go report me to the principal. And she didn’t. But, she started to get worried. She suggested I “talk to someone” about my problems, now I know we have all heard that line before. And with that I freaked out, my mind started racing, what if she told somebody? What if right after that class on her lunch break she would get the principal and school psychiatrist together and tell them everything I have ever told her? The room seeming to disappear, I started to get dizzy. I felt light headed as if I was going to pass out. I suddenly realized what I had to do, I had to back out of that situation. I had to pretend everything was ok, even though it wasn’t and she knew that. But, she left me alone. She didn’t want to be like all the other prying people.

I don’t think she will tell, but if she does I will just lie again. I am good at it. Oh and did I mention I haven’t cut for over 5 weeks? So it won’t be a lie, just not the whole truth. But, I wish she hadn’t done that to me, because now I always have to act happy in front of her. And I don’t want to do that. I wanted to have someone who knew I was having a shitty day and understood and didn’t ask questions or “suggest” things. But, I guess I will never have that. And it’s ok because I have the person I am in love with, Nikki. Even if she doesn’t know…