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“What? They… I… No…” Shock was the only word that came close to describing the feeling. “Yes, I’m sorry. I figured you’d find out eventually and if I told you it might not be as bad. Kali? Kalina!”
She means for the best… and it’s not her fault anyway. She just told me about it… Still, the urge to murder Dannie was not fading because of logic. Kali grabbed her hands tightly and sat down firmly. Not her fault, not her fault, not her fault… The words repeated in her head over and over and over like a mantra.
“Kali, you should go home… You don't look okay. Come on, here are your shoes…” Danielle's voice rang through Kali's head meaning nothing. Her mind was gone. She felt Dannie slip her shoes on. She felt her legs get up and move her out the door. Dannie led Kali across the street to her house, brought her in the door, up the stairs, and into her room. “Now look, Kalina, you can't overreact… but I understand how bad this is… Please talk to me if you need to.”
Kalina nodded, wishing Dannie would go away. She couldn’t feel anything. Words wouldn’t even come to her, she couldn’t tell Danielle to leave. She felt powerless. Eventually Dannie did leave, once she realized that Kali wasn’t responding. “Call me if you need to. Just… I hope you’re okay.” Dannie slipped out the door, leaving Kali with her own thoughts.
How could she? How could they? I trusted him… I trusted her… I don’t know why this had to happen, especially right now, when I’m feeling depressed anyway…. She laid back on the bed, feeling silent tears run down her face. It must be something about me… something that would make them do that! No, no, that sounds stupid… but why else would they, then?
Kali rolled over onto her side and turned the lamp on. There was that card from him, and the notes from her. Why hadn’t she seen it before? It was going to be ugly tomorrow. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She still felt numb, and it kind of felt good. She’d rather feel numb than have it all come tumbling down on her.
She was shaking wildly now, sobbing. nobody was home, so she could cry her heart out and nobody would hear. Her face felt hot, she was drowning in her own depression, their lies, his smiles, her whispers, her emotions…
She ran to the bathroom, avoiding the mirror. She’d always hated how she looked when she was crying. She bent to the sink and splashed cold water on her face. It felt good, but didn’t focus her or bring her out of her misery. She leaned against the wall, tears dripping on the floor around her.
Sinking down to the floor, she wrapped her arms around her knees. The little shining puddles of tears glinted in the dim light of the bathroom. Then something else glinted, something metallic, something silver and small. She focused her eyes. A safety pin.
She’d read about this before, and seen it on some of her friends. She knew people sometimes hurt themselves for some reason, if they were depressed. She’d never considered it before, she’d thought it was terrible, but now she realized the feelings behind the action. Why not? Why not just once? If it’ll help… I’ll do it.
Blindly, she reached for the little silver object. She opened it, and the sharp tip glinted. I ought to sterilize it first… But she couldn’t wait. Quickly, she drew the point across her arm.
She never realized pain could feel good. It felt like rain after a drought, or ice cream after starvation. It felt horrible and wonderful and angry and beautiful and ugly and lovely and painful and amazing. Then she realized, it’s not ever going to be the same again. And she realized it would never be “just once.”
The sharp point ran across her skin again and again, and when she ran out of room on that arm, she pulled up her skirt and ran it across her leg. Red lines were forming, and the ones she’d pressed harder on were bleeding a little… she loved it all. Finally, she could feel, and she felt angry.
How dare they?! I trusted them! My best friend! How could she betray me that way! I ought to make their lives miserable. And him, my boyfriend. I almost loved him, I trusted him certainly. How could HE do that? I have to believe it. Dannie wouldn’t lie to me… but it’s so hard to believe. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
The sound of the door opening brought her back to reality. Her mom’s voice called, “Kali! I’m home!” Kali glanced at her arm, all the angry red lines, and rushed to her room to put on a sweater before her mom saw. She realized that she’d have to wear long sleeves for a while, until the scratches faded.
“I’m upstairs!” she called, and her mother’s face appeared in the stairwell. “Honey, you’ve been crying, haven’t you?” she asked, concerned. Kali moved away, saying, “I’m fine.” But she wasn’t. She locked herself in her room, drowning her feelings in music and drawing, sketching the damage to her arm, reveling in this new form of release.
Later, Dannie came over, to check on Kali. At the knock, Kali opened the door, and remembered to push her sleeve back down at the last minute. “Hey, Kali, are you feeling better?” Kali turned away, scrambling to close her sketchbook, and said, “I’m fine.” That was what she would have to say from now on. It was far from the truth, but that’s what she had to do. That was her new motto: “I’m fine.”