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i walk into the door to my house after more days of school full of torture. all the names being called, slicer girl, emo, freak people telling me to stop being an attention hore, no understanding. a day of more betrail of friends who black mail me. more days of head achs and pains in my stomic, and anouther day of stress of wonder what will happen tomarow.

No one is home today in the house, im all alone. i pull out my MP3 player and turn up the volume and put it back im my pocket. My cat gently rubs my leg wantting attention i ignor him to sad to care. insted i go to my room to fell safe with my heven...

I sit down on my bed and take out a box from a shelf...so innosint looking. I take the lid off and spread out the tools....4 razores 4 pencil shavores, 26 glass peces, a candle, matches, and my anti-depression pills. i scan the items looking for the least painfull wanting to start slow to feel my needs.... grabing the candle i light it with the matches. i hold up the match blow it out and hold it up to my arm untill the hot ambers cool then i through it to the ground. pulling the candle i put it on a side letting the hot wax drip slowly onto the skin where i put the match. it burned and let some pain of the day slip down with the wax. the wax dried i let it say there i blow out the candle and strip down and put everything down onto the wood floor....

i pull up a small peice of glass and scrach my arm to take the wax of, with each stroke i push deeper untill i have little dropps of blood on my arms. i keep scratching my body every where possible. not deep so i can have the plessure of wanting more. finaly i cover all of my body with scratches.. then with a bigger peice i stab my arms and legs hard letting pleasure of seeing blood overflow and finaly letting the feelings take over my mind putting me out of controle. I WANTED MORE!!! i grab the sharpest razor. and paused looking all over my year old scared body i thought it was beautiful unlike me...i didnt want to live in this relm anymore i wanted to be free to wander the earth without so much pain.

once again i cut slow but deep. drops of blood spill onto the floor and i carve the words love me hate me on my calf and let the blood drip. blood i discovered a lond time ago is my only friend it never leaves me to be alone its always there to calm you down and it will only go if you want it to or will come if you need help with your life. it was my only friend i love to see it.

crisem red flowing bright spill onto the floor seeking the light....

carving a heart into my arm i carve deep i can see the fat in my arm with the small white bubbles of fat before the blood spills over to cover the gash. i loved it, i never cut so deep, i wanted more...my floor was already drowning in blood but i didnt car i just wanted freedome of pain. i cut every where in tottal at least 500 cuts half of them deep and 4 of them so deep they were gushing blood...

soon my eyes became missed up eyes flowing with tears i knew i was going to die, because i was lossing my contiosness, i realised maby i didnt want to die, this was a mistake i never wanted this, that was the razor talking now im dieng and i cant do anything....now im leaving him the only one i love.....now i have to live in hell....my eyes close and i am dead

good by my love ill miss you im sorry i couldnt tell you...

(side note) the love person was my ex he was a really sweet guy i thought he was terrible at the time so i broke up with him but know i know it was my fault. now i cant talk to him because his mom hates me and i dont know why....i miss him and want him back but he will never know how much i miss him

i still love you chris

love you all on this sight too good luck in life <3