i started cutting because i felt like it was the only thing i could control, the only choice i could make for myself. recently, i've been into the hsrdcore, scenecore, emocore, music, and with it came a wanting for the style. basically, when i look in the mirror, i dont see  who i want to see. i wanted to dye my hair black, get extentions, and most of all .. snake bites. but NO! No no no no...no! thats out of the question. cant have people looking at your 15yr old daughter different than the rest of the world. then i wanted a hearse, no because it used to hold dead people, or because it was black. because it was cool, and my favorite character off degrassi :the next generation [eli] had one, and it looked bad ass. the rents went insane, almost grounded me. so now, i cut. i dont show of my scars or my cuts, i just like knowing that their where. knowing that it was my choice, and i did it.

i don't know. it seemed like a thing to do.  i only cut once (30 cuts one time).  i realized then that this is how i would die if i ever did it agian and (and soon) and that effectively stopped me.  but self hurting.  i've found other things and i never stop.  when i've found a new self hurt that appeared to lead to a rapid death, i found it easy to avoid it.  i feel like now, after 40 or so years that what has been happening all along is that i have some sort of other person controlling me and making me do all these things.  he says my suffering is his food and i am his farm.  he is proud of his work and how now i constantly produce abundant food for him.  he has been showing me how i will never be able to stop and this is how i will die - suffering.  this is why i started.  to be destroyed in the worst way, slowly for the sustenance and aesthetic pleasure of a being who must not exist.  because i know i don't hear voices.  i know the above sounds pretty crazy and that there are not many serious people who will agree with me that i am in some way possessed.