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My daughter is cutting & burning - what can I do?
Printer-friendly versionHello, my name is Jeff. My daughter of 14 is cutting herself with broken glass. Two weeks ago she burnt herself on her arms and thigh. She does have anger issues, her mother and I divorced 10 years ago and she moved the children 1,000 miles away from me. We are now 20 minutes away having recently moved closer to my children and my parents. She is an incredibly intelligent person, wonderful soft and gentle most of the time, but it has been clear that she has hurt for years. There may be other issues of which I am unaware. I know she says that she cannot speak with her mother because she doesn't listen. I am very worried, and over the burning I am angry because she said that she'd dropped a kettle while at our house, which we know is untrue because they're clearly cigarette burns that she needed surgery for. I thought she was seeking attention, might need psychiatric intervention, could be on drugs and myriad other thoughts until I started reading about the behaviour. Now I am more concerned. I know we cannot change other people, we have to accept people for who they are, we change when the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing. (Ask me, I drank myself into that position, until over 10 yrs ago I joined AA). It is her lies that bother me more than that she is cutting and burning herself. I can handle the notion that she could be injuring herself for whatever reason, but I would rather she be up-front about it when asked. Is self-injury also addictive? Is it done because there is suppressed emotion that cannot be dealt with in other ways? Are drugs involved? I ask this forum, rather than the medical forum per se because the voice of experience is the best opinion to listen to to really understand. What do I as father need to do and be for my child? I cannot save her from this behaviour, what needs to be in place for her to remedy it herself - if this is indeed required?
Most self-injurers attempt to hide the fact they self-injure and many will lie. That can be because of shame, because they don't want to admit they're self-injuring, because they're afraid of the consequences, etc.
It's not an addiction in the same way of alcohol which is both physically and psychologically addicting. Self-injury has the potential to be psychologically addicting.
People self-injure because they're trying to cope with certain emotions by eliminating or otherwise changing it through an act of self-injury, because they're trying to punish themselves, to dissociate or stop dissociating, etc.
I wouldn't say it's the same as drugs though it can help people not deal with their issues. I remember when the AA people came to the psychiatric hospital I was in and they emphasized that drugs lead to institutions, jail, or death which generally isn't the case for self-injurers, minus the institutions part.
What you can do is let her know that you are there for her are are willing to talk to her to help her through difficult times. When you find out that she has self-injured and has been hiding it don't focus on the fact that she's been lying because that generally will not lead her to want to trust you.
She needs to figure out why she's self-injuring and be willing to stop for herself. You can help but she needs to be willing to help herself first and foremost.
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