"Before: nagging thoughts about how I have to do it, I'm trash if I don't. Self hate. Hating everyone and everything. Feeling raw and exposed to a world that is way too much for me to handle. Nervous, exhausted,angry, all at once. Suffocating.
During: Nothing. Sometimes I'm happy, but mostly nothing. Since now I do feel the pain and can't ignore it like before, I turn the TV on so that I'll have something else to focus on. I feel like the body I'm hurting is nothing but a tool, nothing to do with me,and I "work" on it slowly and in a very cold manner.
After: used to feel shame and fear, and some realization of what I had done. Not anymore,though. I tend to be a little depressed for a couple days, but I'm never sorry. I know it's sick but I never regret doing it. I don't feel like I was hurting myself really, because the body and me are different and almost apart."



"An important thing for me, is in the days following, to be able to put my hand to my wrist or whatever and feel the results of my emotions. I like having the reminder of whatever it is that's driving me to tear up my body. I like to be able to press down on the bruise again and know that what I felt was real."





"Before, there's so much built up frustration. There's the internal battle of "God, please don't let me cut myself" and "You know you'll feel better when you do." Once I've given in, I'm just focused on what I'm doing. Afterwards is when I become dissociated. I clean the wounds up and bandage them carefully, but all the while feel 'outside' of myself.



"Before I SI I feel stressed and overwhelmed. During I feel excited and calmer. After I feel completely calm and collected. I also get feelings that I know it is wrong to hurt myself but I continue to SI anyway."



"Before I feel like screaming and hurting something, anything.Once I start, it's like I slip into this daze and when I snap out of it and I'm done, sometimes I don't feel any better and I do it more, but sometimes I can go to sleep easier knowing I've bled."



"Depressed. I almost killed myself in '95 and now if those feelings come back for a moment I hurt myself. I generally enjoy doing it, I hate my body and wish I could scar it up, so I almost never have done as much as I would have liked but when I stop I no longer feel depressed. It is relaxing and fun. When I punch myself I laugh."



"Before I SI my head is all spiny and disorientated, I start talking to myself. While I'm slicing I start to talk to my utensils and ask myself questions, 'Oh, do I really want to end my life?' After I'm done I don't feel guilt or any remorse but I feel happy, like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of me."



"Before- like I have to do it to go on with my day. Sometimes for no reason. During- I like it. After- I like to be able to see what I have done, so I do my arms a lot. I like to feel it when someone unknowingly grabs my arm and it hurts or I bump it. A day or so later I wish they weren't there and feel like a pathetic loser."



"Before, I feel really depressed and overwhelmed. During, I feel better and for a couple of minutes after I feel better, but eventually I just feel worse than I did in the first place."



"It's a building process. My emotions build up to the point where I can't handle them anymore and then I start thinking about SI, I anticipate the blade or my lighter. While I SI I feel peaceful and at ease. It's like I'm taking a time-out from reality. After I'm done I lay back and enjoy the ride(I usually dissociate myself when I SI).



"Before I would feel out of control, like I was failing everyone.I would get panicky and scared. During all I could think about was the blood and skin being cut. I just wanted the release. I craved it. After I would feel better for a little bit and then cry myself to sleep, I was so disappointed in myself. I knew what I was doing was wrong."



"Before...like I'm lost. I can't breathe, I'm shaking, crying, I feel like I'm on fire, my insides are all knotted, I feel like I'm going to explode. During its a desperation for peace, afterwards is an eerie calm then guilt."



"Well, I usually do it when I'm angry. So before I do it, I'm always really aggravated and worked up. Sometimes, I feel better afterwards,but sometimes, if I'm not happy with the cut, I don't, and then I just feel angry about that too."



"Before I feel building super intense hatred and rage toward myself and I huge need to punish myself. During, I just keep repeating over and over, "I hate you" and other hateful verbiage directed towards myself alone. Afterward, my intense feelings of hate have definitely slacked somewhat.But since I usually only stop beating myself out of exhaustion, sadly a lot of my self hate is still right there on the surface ready to build up again."



"Before I SI, I almost always feel sort of dizzy with the world,like I can't focus, out of control. I feel anxious and nervous and angry and scared and tired and just sort of out of control, like I said. During I'm very calm and "rational" (as rational as self-injury can be, I suppose) and collected. Afterwards I just feel tired. I almost always go to sleep immediately afterwards, I guess like a weight has been lifted, and my mind has been settled so that sleep is possible again."



"Before: I feel angry, scared, hurt (by someone else), frustrated with myself for not being in control of something in my life, anxious (about anything- school, work, home life, etc.). or remembering how i felt in the past when i was abused or other instances when i felt small, weak, not able to protect myself from the people who have hurt me.
While i'm cutting: I feel satisfied with having punished myself. Or i feel relieved of tensions.
After: I feel guilty and upset with myself for having given in to it again- that starts the cycle all over again if i let it: i cut, feel guilty, cut because i feel guilty, and there it goes its a cycle. I feel scared sometimes that people will see the fresh cuts and think i'm weak or fragile or crazy. Scared that they might be afraid of me because of it. That they might talk behind my back, that sort of thing. Now its mostly just about my sister and brother and what if they found out?"



"BEFORE: I'm very angsty, upset, angry with myself and others. I feel like nothing is going to get better unless i cut, and cutting is all i can think about until i do it.
DURING: I feel dissociated and calm. All my problems leave and i forget everything bad, i just focus on me and my pain and getting rid of it...cutting.
AFTER: I feel calm, but then i feel guilt and anger as well. Guilt because i know SI is wrong and bad for me, but it's necessary for me to feel again. Anger because sometimes i can't cut enough and i can't get enough blood, then i blame myself and think that i'm so useless i can't even hurt myself properly!"



"Before, there's a war in my head between the part of me that wants to be normal and the part that wants to see blood, so I feel agitated and irritable. Sometimes I feel depressed as well, but not always. During, I'm very methodical and I concentrate on feeling the pain. I'm also very careful not to bleed on the carpet or anything. After, I get very calm and relaxed and I feel like I'm stronger for having hurt myself. It's almost like I bled/burned out all my impurities and toxins, and now I'm going to be ok until they build up again. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world..."



"Before I cut I feel like things are racing out of control--I'm either feeling too much and am overwhelmed or I'm feeling nothing and am overwhelmed. During the act I feel calm and drowsy-like (like being pleasantly buzzed). Immediately afterwards I feel more focused and very tranquil--until I start "logically" analyzing the fact that I've had a relapse and then the cycle of self hate begins again."



"Before - I feel absolutely terrified. Frantic. I shake and tremble and cry and moan. I hit my legs or pinch myself so as to try to stop the urges to cut. I feel desperate.
During - I don't feel anything. It's like I go somewhere else totally. I stop breathing, my vision and hearing goes almost completely away. It takes all of my concentration just to keep the razor in the right place.
After - I feel calm, almost euphoric. I feel fuzzy, warm, and content. I lay and breathe heavily in my bed, taking the feeling in because I know it's not going to last. Then I normally go to sleep, or just listen to music..."



"Before I just feel like I need to, and I usually don't understand why, it's just like an addiction, and I need it to feel better...
During, I just concentrate on the act, and letting out the pain. Sometimes I feel angry at people or myself or things that happened during the day.
After, I feel comforted, and then I feel ashamed, mainly because I know my best friend (the only one that knows) will be mad at me when she finds out."



"Before I feel out-of-control, hopeless, overwhelmed and as if I am drowning in myself which at the time equals pain. Right before i do it though i also feel a sense of relief because I am going to do it... I am anticipating the release. During the time I burn myself I feel dissociated. I feel out of body. I also feel concentrated and completely hone in on the act often getting lost in it. After I feel sad and lost. I feel confusion. I feel disappointed with myself because afterwards everything about me is "normal" again. I feel shame at over-reacting."

Right before I SI, I feel nervous, sort of tingly, anxious... and eager, in a strange, horrible way. Once the need, the drive, hits me, I have to do it, even if it means making up a stupid excuse to get away. During... I feel so much better. I know that it's horrible, and it probably isn't healthy, but it's the best way of coping I've found. I don't have to explain myself to anyone while I'm hurting myself. It's this great relief with no guilt--no guilt while it's happening, at least. And after... I feel guilty sometimes, but not because I think I'm doing anything wrong, per se. I just know that if my Mom realized what I'm doing, she'd feel horrible and blame herself, when this ISN'T HER FAULT. Other times I worry, because I want to be a teacher one day. I know that my SI won't affect how I interact with students, or my ability to help them learn. I'm just terrified that my SI will keep me from getting a job -- teaching is all I really want to do, and I don't want to lose it, but I'll never get certification and a degree if I don't have a coping method for daily life.

[female, age 19, began to SI at age 16 at the latest, college student (full time)]

All three are pleasant, but in different way.

Before: I am haunted by the visions of the future and past actions. Usually, when I feel like self-injure mood again, I wait till I really do it, and the waiting period usually lasts 2 days. During those 2 days I'm possessed by all kinds of dark fantasies, beginning with self-injure, torture visions and ending with dreaming of ending my life as grim as possible, committing the most painful suicide ever and experiencing the longest death agony ever.

During: trying to concentrate on suffering 100% while cutting deep and watching blood flow. Collecting all my willpower to bear more pain. Tasting my own blood. Ecstasy, euphoria, rising of the secret powers, secret energy from within myself.

After: relaxation, watching the scars, repeating all the details of the action in my mind all over again, dreaming of doing it again, dreaming of killing myself.

[female, age 18, began to think of SI at age 6 and can't remember when she began to SI, high school student]

if im feeling very pent up and frustrated, like im going to explode or scream i tend to cut. i like the feeling of taking it out on my body and the actual feeling of something physically leaving me (the blood). Other times, i dont feel pent up at all, i just feel dead and deeply sad. it's those cases when i will brand myself with hot metal. I hold it against my skin and for that time there is just nothing in my world at all except for that intense pain. it just washes everything else away. and then... if i can press it there long enough, it kind of breaks through and it doesnt hurt anymore. then there's just nothing. nothing at all, and its blissful.

[female, age 18, began to SI at age 12, university student]

Before it's like I'm in a tunnel, I can't concentrate on anything and I'm a bit nervous. During i still feel like I'm not really doing it, it's not really where I am, like a dream or something. When the pain comes and I have to deal with the more practical things, like stopping the blood and clean up it becomes more real and afterwards I can go on and do whatever I want.

[female, age 19, began to SI at age 18, University student]

Before I SI I'm usually in a very blank state of mind. Whatever emotion I'm experiencing that is causing me to want to SI usually just takes over and causes me to not be able to focus on anything else. I get very anxious if I can't SI when I feel that I want to... if I have to wait I begin to panic and usually get extremely irrational.

During SI I feel relief. It's just a sudden feeling of relief - like letting go of a lot of tension...

Directly after SI I usually feel very good. After several minutes or hours, I begin to regret it and feel guilty. I usually then panic about how to hide whatever scar I've created and have to calm myself down again. At times this panic has led to more SI...

[female, age 19, began to SI at age 12, first year university student]

Before I SI, I am usually confused and disoriented, and I don't know what to do or how to handle my problems. I also tend to feel severely depressed, and I don't think I will ever get better. During the time that I SI, my mind stops racing when I see the blood, and feel the pain. I feel calmer and in control. After I SI, I am usually relaxed and a little pleased that I can finally think straight. But if I have gone a while without SI-ing, and then I cut again, I might feel a little upset that I went for so long without cutting and then blew it.

[female, age 16, began to SI at age 14, high school student]

Before I cut, I seem normal on the outside but my mind has been racing a little. I'll get really blah while I'm getting ready. When it's happening, I'm really focused, making sure every cut is perfect and as deep as I need it. Afterwards, I'm calm. I'll smile a bit and be really nice to my brother who I don't really get along with any other time.

[female, age 15, began to SI at age 13, high school (freshman)]

Before I SI I feel frustrated, angry, sad, depressed; I feel as if my head is about to explode, as if I might explode right then and there. During my SI I feel the pain, and I feel my emotional pain slowly slipping away within the physical. I feel angry at the fact that it takes these cuts to feel better and that it was another person who drove me to my razor-friend again,and so I cut more, deeper. Afterwards I feel calm, better, relieved. I only feel a fraction of the intensity of the initial emotions, and I bandage up the cuts. I lie down and then cry the rest out, but it's the crying, the part -after- the cut when I want to die the most.

[female, age 15, began to SI at age 13, high school student]

before, i am always very emotionally clogged. i dont cut unless i have to. i write off all my feelings or i talk them out. but if there are no words, no tears for the pain im feeling...i cut to feel the pain in a different way and to get rid of the fog over my mind. usually the pain during the cutting will make me cry the tears i had wanted to cry but couldn't, then comes the emotions through the tears and things feel much better.

[female, age 14, began to SI at age 12, student]

Before I have sessions of self harm I can feel almost anthing, I do not self mutilate to escape one certain emotion, but to stop the craving... and that can surface whenever it wants, regardless of whether I am happy, sad, or otherwise.

While indulging in self mutilating acts I feel pure and everything about the world is good. I feel detached and separated, unrestrained and free... just pure, white…clean.

Afterwards I feel hollow, lost in a sort of calm intoxication I can't escape, I feel drowned within my own emptiness... afterwards I feel dirty again.

[female, age 16, began to SI at age 6, College Student]

Before I can feel anywhere from depressed to euphoric, though immediately before I usually feel depressed, near collapse, but restless at the same time, a boiling feeling that I need to get something out of my system, and I need to cut, the same kind of craving I'd get for a cigarette. During I am very deliberate, and become more calm as I proceed. If I feel any intense pain or draw a lot of blood, I feel very good, relieved, and proud of myself, in control. After, I feel satisfied, but at the same time ashamed. Frequently when I'm done I get online and look at sites about cutting, and feel torn about what I'm doing, but it's not as though it ever breaks the cycle.

[female, age 20, began to SI at age 13 or so (cutting very recent), College student]

Before, I am overwhelmed with very strong feeling of depression, anger, sadness, or self-loathing. I am out of hand, probably crying, and unable to keep all the feeling inside me anymore. During the self-injury, I began to feel rushed, and eager to cut deep and bleed before I am caught. However I definitely have began the calming cycle already, so I began to turn inward, enjoying the pain and relief it brings me. After I self injure, I am in a state of numbness, and tranquility. I have already completel turned inward, focusing all my attention on the pain and blood, and have began to rest inside myself. All feelings of anger, depression and self-loathing have minimized, if not disappeared.

[female, age 14, began to SI at age 11, High School student]