"Sometimes it's easier because if I feel bad I know I have some people that at least know what is going on[,] kind of that I can talk to, but sometimes its harder because friends will come up to me and tell me I need to be hospitalized and things like that and I can't handle it when people who just have no idea say things like that."



"It's hard to live with my SI because my boyfriend doesn't understand, and that frustrates me. Because of him, I try not to SI and that's what makes it so hard, I have to hold everything in until I explode and then SI anyway. What's the point? It's frustrating, and it's a vicious cycle."



"It's definitely been easier since I told people. Getting through the bad days has become easier. Jenny, my best friend, made me a ring that has "remember me, when this you see" carved in it, to remind me she's always with me and that I don't need to hurt myself."



"My boyfriend cried (and still does) and my friend just told me to stop or I would have to buy her a box of cookies (which I just had to laugh at) I felt guilt, but I also felt the need to do it, and that was stronger."



"Living with my SI hasn't really become easier or more difficult. It's mostly stayed the same. In some ways it has made it easier, in that I don't have to make up so many lies to the people who matter, but in others it has made it harder, because I feel all the more guilty for doing it."



"Much easier since my closest friends know, because now I can be "real" in front of them and not have to stuff my feelings down the way I have to do around everyone else."



"Telling now feels liberating in a sense, but also scary because I've never confronted this, I have always just accepted it as something I do when I'm stressed. But now I am beginning to wonder if there is really something wrong."



"Sometimes it's easier because I feel like if I feel REALLY bad there are people that I *can* call and talk to. Usually I would just feel guilty for calling them, but I know that I can do that. But it's more difficult because I often feel like I have to almost prove myself strong enough to handle things...like they don't need to be looking out for me all the time."



It has giving me the support i need like it was so hard for me to call someone when i was gonna cut for help and then i joined an internet group and met these amazing people that i have talked to for 2 years and actually went and met 5 of them and they are awesome. One is the same age as me and we are getting an apartment together. She has stopped cutting and i call her anytime i'm upset cuz she knows exactly what i'm talking about."



Since i've told, it's been harder in some ways, like having a few friends ditch me, and a few more start babying me like i'm gonna sneak off and do it all the time, but overall i think it got better after i did tell 'cause the fear of people finding out went away, and when people reacted in a not negative way, and were understanding (sort of) about it, i didn't feel so much shame about it. And a few of my friends are so much closer now. I can allow them to know me now, and i can talk to them because they already know my deep dark secret and haven't left me. It makes me feel safer with them knowing they're not gonna leave me.



I don't think it has changed much. i try to hid it from the people i told though... maybe they've forgotten about it. Sometimes i feel hurt that i can go to school covered in cuts (some of which are visible to them) and they don't notice or say anything (or help me which is what i suppose i secretly want them to do)....it makes me wonder if they care at all or not...which in turn makes me cut even worse.



"It's become even more difficult to live with because now I truly understand what a stigmatizing impact being perceived this way has and so not only do I have to deal with my own feelings of self hate but can also vividly factor in how others will see also."



"Since I have told, I think that my parents and sister look closer at my skin to check for scars. It really isn't more difficult to cut myself, just trying to hide the scars is the worst."



"It's been easier because I don't have to make up stupid lies that people know aren't true anyway. It's been harder because people now look at me differently, and I feel like I have a stigma."



"This time it's been easier. I called him a couple nights ago because I was home alone and wanted to stay away from the kitchen knives. I actually feel bad about having told him, because I'm voicing my fears about it to him, and while I have him to turn to, he can't turn to anyone if I worry him and there's nothing he can do. Living with my SI has been easier since I told, except that I realize how little he understands what I'm thinking."



"It's been easier, because I can call my friends instead of cutting. But if my parents found out, I think they would just freak. And they'd take away my pocket knife and all, and that would just make it worse, because I wouldn't have any outlet for my pain, and I'd end up killing myself. That's what happened when I tried to stop, I ended up writing suicide notes to my friends, I wanted to die, because I didn't let out my pain."



"In some ways it has been easier because i don't have to hide my scars, but it has been difficult because my husband promised me that he would have me committed if I did it again. I want to cut almost everyday, but I don't want to be separated from my children due to hospitalization. So I have an inner struggle/conflict almost everyday... cut or stay home with my kids?"



"when i first told it's was harder because my parents gave me a lot of crap. i knew they were concerned but they just kept bugging me about it and why i was doing it and sent me to a therapist and stuff... other than that it didn't change much, sometimes it was easier when i told a friend and realized we both did it and we were able to talk about it because we were going through it together... now i don't know, i guess i'd rather people didn't know but if they do find out i'm too emotionally worn down to care or do anything about it."

It's been more difficult, mainly, because now the people I've told think I'm just openly masochistic. It's really frustrating, because I don't get any pleasure/sexual gratification from hurting MYSELF -- that only comes when a close friend/romantic interest is the one hurting me, and only to a certain amount of pain.

[female, age 19, began to SI at age 16 at the latest, college student (full time)]

Oh my god! I wish I could go back to the day my dad found out and stop him from knowing!! He's made my life hell! He uses it against me every chance he gets. He's done nothing for my own good, only for his own. So yes, around some people it's harder, but other it's easier.

[female, age 15, began to SI at age 13, high school (freshman)]

I think if i didn't tell i'd be dead right now. I thought it would be a lot worse than it was. Of course the first few months were difficult cause people had to come to terms with it. But they're ok about it now and i feel a lot better that i don't have to lie to them anymore.

[female, age 16, began to SI at age 12, high school student]

HARDER!!!!! No doubt! It's harder to do it without someone getting upset, it's harder to hide when you know someone will know. It's harder because they always want to talk...they always want the "reason" why your wanting to ...and when it's the same reason as always they don't understand, even if it's different they can't understand. I DO NOT want to be critized when I am at that moment when I HAVE to cut. Guilting me just makes me angry and possibly dangerous in my judgement for cutting. I'm not saying they are soley responsible it's just that if I am triggered by something or I feel like I have to cut...any critizing will just echo in my head with alot of other bad things i.e.:"you're letting me down", "you don't want to make me happy...","what about how I feel", "you aren't thinking about anyone but yourself...", "You want to hurt yourself"...the list goes on. I'm not really hearing that person as one. If you call me selfish or fuss at me...even at 30 years old I am like a child being scorned I will dismiss you and say whatever it takes to get you to leave me alone. Someone that loves me and is trying to help can't get anywhere guilting me or yelling at me. They don't understand that the name calling or the scorning has been done until it's pointles. I've heard it all my life. Do they expect that because they love me I should be any diffrent to them? My husband says the point of yelling at me or saying something negative about my cutting is to shock me out of it. He honestly doesn't understand, to him if I cared about him I would feel hurt by what he has said to me. I will be shocked into reality so to speak. No! It doesn't work that way and just because it doesn't does not mean I don't love him. It just means that after years of hearing bad things...you kind of grow immune. I feel sorry for hurting him AFTER I cut, before that I feel sad or hurt by what he says.

I thought I would be accepted, afterall he said he would always help me and not guilt me if I still felt I had to cut. That's not true anymore.I thought things would be better I thought I would cut less...and I do cut alot less. However, I have the drive to do it worse when I do. I restrain myself from that but it is a huge desire. The duration between cutting is months...it use to be hours...then days, ect...The urge has not gone away in the least,my desire to please was just greater...but over time it's harder. A death of someone I loved three years ago is slowly sinking in over time. I grieve in odd ways and things that hurt me take years to affect me sometimes. I am capable of holding grudges secretly for years...if I can remember. I have a huge problem with memory. I lose important memories even till today. I don't know why.

[female, age 30, began to SI at age 16 or younger, mom of 5 and artist]