"Here are the main ones: (1) to see blood. It makes me feel like I'm alive, the blood itself is in some weird way like life itself. So, when I'm numb or overwhelmed, it helps soothe me. (2) for the scars. They make me feel like my pain is real, no one can dismiss actual proof like scars, the way people close to me have dismissed my problems and feelings. It's like battle scars: I can look at them and know that I HAVE been through something, and no one can tell me I'm lying. I hurt enough to injure myself-- that means I WAS in pain emotionally. (3) for the pain afterwards. For some reason it makes me feel alive, too. It gives me comfort. When I hate myself, touching the wound will help me feel like I've already been punished, and I'm allowed not to hate myself. When I'm numb' or feel completely "fake", I can use the pain to feel that there is something solid that won't change on me like my emotions and sense of self do."



"Helps me cope, works to bring me back from not knowing what's going on or feeling numb."



"Release of tension, so I don't have to deal with what is really going on inside me"



"I had felt really bad for a really long time when I started. I just had this urge to hurt myself, I wanted to feel pain. Then it just became a magic solution to any little problem."



"I cut myself as a way to deal with the pain and frustration in my life. I have no other outlet with which to express these emotions. I feel like I should add something about my health in this, too. I'm a sickly little girl. I don't ever get colds or minor illnesses. Oh, no. About twice a year, I get sick. I think I'm the only person in the world who's had mono four times. The past Jan/Feb I had mono, tonsillitis, strep, and an ear infection all at the same time. I even had to be intubated in the ER at one point. I also have a yet unidentified lymph disorder that's contributing to this. My spleen is nearly all scar tissue. On top of this, I have moderate scoliosis, so my back is in nearly constant pain. I think part of the reason I cut myself is that I'm so angry at my body for 'failing' me."



"I use it as a release for my anger- instead of punching a hole in the wall or possibly hurting others."



"It makes me feel relaxed and in charge of myself. The physical pain of hurting myself helps override emotional pain. Most of the time I do not realize I'm hurting myself until after I'm done."



"I cut to make myself feel better. I've gone thirteen months without cutting and am learning other ways to feel better."



"It relieves stress and tension, and it gives me a physical wound to tend to since I don't know how to see my emotional ones."



"I SI because it helps relieve my anger. I like to see my own blood dripping down and off my arms."



"It is a release. From everything. If my day sucks or I think I screwed something up - it can make it OK and I can stop beating myself up in the head about whatever I thought I did that was so terrible. Or, if I'm having a good day, I don't quite know what to do with that either. I guess it's how I feel things."



"I try to translate my inner pain to a more touchable one. My guilt and self-hatred sort of floats out with the blood, leaving me with relief and calm for once."



"Cos it releases the pain- physical pain is easier to cope and deal with. It is a constant reminder to me of the pain I'm in without constantly thinking about what's hurting me."



"Cause when I'm mad or sad or a weird feeling I don't know what to do so I cut and it's all better. Kind of."



"To get rid of my emotional pain, or at least numb it for a while, and because I'm scared that I hurt other people, so I hurt myself sometimes instead."



"There are many reasons why I do it. I do it to focus my attention from emotional pain to physical pain (it's easier to deal with). I do it because I'm angry, hate myself, feel like I need to punish myself, are stressed out, to bring on a dissociative episode or end one. Sometimes I do it just to prove to myself that I'm still real."



"When pain in my life becomes too much and I feel so alone, all I want is some form of release. I crave the idea of pain being able to be taken away from my emotional state, even if it means physical pain. By cutting myself the physical pain overrides the emotional pain and I don't have to deal with my family, my friends, the stress of having to be all around perfect, straight A girl. It's something for me, alone."



"I do it to punish myself and relieve myself of some of my guilt (about almost everything). I do it because it releases overwhelming emotional tension I find very confusing and impossible to deal with. I do it because it feels good and I love the pain."



"Sadly I believe it stems from the 36 years of emotional and physical abuse I endured at the hands of my hard core alcoholic Mother. As I have told my closest friends, that as terrible as the physical abuse was that she did to me, I could count on it to temporarily stop once in a while. But my deepest 'scars' are from the hideous emotional abuse I endured from her constant verbal assaults upon me."



"When I first started, it was just a game. I did it to gross my friends out, and two of us would have 'competitions.' When I went into High School, I started doing it more often, and now it has become my way of handling stress, depression, self hate, anger...anything that is overwhelming and I don't know how to deal with."



"Mostly I do it when I'm upset, but sometimes I catch myself, or others will catch me while I'm just lost in thought or something is emotionally disturbing me."



"To distract myself from what i'm thinking or what i'm feeling or remembering, whatever. Sometimes to make myself dissociate (yes I know what that word means), and sometimes to make myself come back to reality. Sometimes i do it to punish myself for sins (i'm not real religious but i believe in God and i hate myself when i do major stuff like if i fantasized about some guy i liked or watched a sex scene in a movie). Sometimes, especially when i first started SI, it was to show people how much I was hurting inside, so they would help me, make me feel better. Sometimes I use it to even out my moods (I'm not bipolar, but every once in a while i do get a little bit manic- but more often i'm depressed). I don't use it for that terribly often. a lot of times when i cut, i feel like whatever sin or badness that was in me is leaking out through the cut i made, like the blood washes it out of me and i'm clean(er) again. But the main reason is that it makes me numb. I don't really feel too much emotion for a while after cutting (except sad but i can deal with that- i just can't deal with fear or frustration, those types of emotions)"



"It was hard for me to express my emotions in any other way than self injury. I felt too selfish to talk about myself so instead i lived in my own hell. My body became my voice, pleading for help."



"When I was around the age of 5, I used to try and make myself sick and purposely not eat because I had done something wrong and therefore was not perfect. I always had to be perfect and when I screwed something up, I had to pay for it. When I was 10, I sunk into a depression. My father was verbally abusive and didn't help my self-image at all. I absolutely hated myself and was constantly wishing something bad would happen to kill the monster that I was. I wasn't suicidal when I first cut. I was 11 and my father had just got finished telling me how stupid and worthless I was. I took a knife and went into my room and made several barely there cuts on my leg. Afterwards, I was calm. A year later, I told my best friend I did that and she thought i was the biggest freak. In 8th grade, I was at a really low time and was constantly looking for a way out. Everything turned into a reason I should kill myself. Freshman year wasn't any better and I started cutting on a regular basis. I felt I was ugly and horrible and didn't deserve to live. I had made several suicide plans but never got to the point of carrying them out. I felt it was better to cut because I was only hurting myself and not others. I could never do that. Also, when I cut, I didn't dwell on the problem. It helped me get over it. It also gave me a sense of power. I could take all this pain. After awhile, I had a fascination with the blood. I had never heard of this behavior, so I thought I was insane. I mean, what kind of person would do this to themselves? This wasn't normal. So I would have lots of shame and wear long sleeves to cover up the cuts. I met Michele at the end of freshman year. I noticed the cuts on her arms and we ended up becoming good friends. We understood each other. The beginning of sophomore year, the cutting slowed down and I only had a couple incidents towards the end of sophomore year. The beginning of junior year, I had a strange fascination with the pain (although I hardly felt it) and was feeling extreme self-loathing and the cutting increased greatly. Within 2 weeks, I had about 100 new cuts on my left leg. About two weeks ago, somebody turned me into the counseling office at the school. My parents were called and were quite angry about the whole situation. My father threatened to put me in a mental institution. My mother was just so hurt and I feel horrible for having hurt her like that. I never wanted to hurt anyone and that is why I cut myself; to avoid hurting others."



"Cutting came from curiosity. i spent a great deal of my late high school and early college years trying to be as others saw me (probably hoping to please them and, in turn, be loved). but finally, i gave in, accepted having emotions and stopped trying to be "acceptable". through this turning point i became ridiculously curious about everything. i became anorexic, still am. i tried throwing up about five times. one day i tried self-cutting. it lasted for a brief period, it actually happened as a result of my eating disorder. i added cutting to my list of things to do when hungry (hoping it would be a sort of wake-up call and snap me back into reality so that i could continue my "crusade towards emaciation." i remembered reading about self-cutting, and finally tried it with a piece of a broken place. i remember it didn't hurt so much. the blood made me feel some sort of accomplishment. when it started going deep enough to cause blood, i definitely felt some sort of "ah yes, keep going"-feeling. it was like power. mind over matter. the cuts were like another little secret between me and myself. i think it made me feel closer to me. but the best part of the whole thing was watching the scars heal. i think that served as some sort of assurance that i'm "healing" in some way. looking at them throughout the day also helped me remember that i do feel. it was also definitely some sort of scream for acknowledgment, to be tended to, though i never showed them to anyone. in a way, the cuts helped me love myself, they were visual proof that i am a mess. for as long as i can remember i always wanted to be alone and a mess. be careful what you wish for..."



"I really don't know how to answer this, but I'll try. I am in so much emotional and physical pain. I've never been very social, because we moved around a lot, and so I would and still do purposely make myself the outcast so I'll have no friends to leave. I am raped. My mother and step-father hit me. I feel like there is a black core on the inside of me. All my pain has been stuffed down into the raging inferno of the dark abyss that is my soul. I can't take the pain. y physical pain helps me deal with, control, and handle my emotional pain. It gives me a way to release all the pressures and tensions I have in my life. A way to get rid of all my feelings of rage and helplessness and everything else."



"Why *did* I SI? To feel in control and help myself feel stronger by being able to tolerate pain, to punish myself for whatever sins I imagined myself guilty of most notably revolving around not being able to please other people."



"SI makes me feel real. Its like "i have the scars and can prove that i really do feel like this, i'm not pretending or attention seeking, it's for real." The scars make me feel pround, like i have a secret that no one can take away. i can do this to myself and not one can stop me. i like to see my blood, (this seems disgusting and masochistic even to me), but i can't explain why i like it. SI is bittersweet..."



"It started just out of the idea that I should because I wasn't quite right in the head. I was (and still am) too self-conscious and depressed about everything. I am too hateful and bitter. I hate everything, including SI, sometimes. But I found that SI is quite addicting. I found that it is beautiful. It is like art. I love the taste of blood..the look of it..and the feel of it. I love the process, almost a ritual. I love the rush of adrenaline that builds up. I love the feeling that everything that I can't let out is bleeding out of me..it's almost poetic. I get so angry and hateful sometimes that I don't know how to let out my deep frustration and then after it is just such a relief to me. It calms me down."



"I don't so much any more.....but I did it because I was so tormented on the inside that I had to let it out somehow, and through my skin seemed as good a place as any. Feeling the external pain helped the internal pain to melt away for a little while - it was like all the bad feelings were washed away with the blood, and I was clean."



"When my body hurts it allows me to forget how much my heart hurts. I guess cutting my arms and legs and burning myself with cigarettes is a distraction from the emptiness and loneliness I feel."



"There's lots of reasons. It gives me control, and when I cut I feel like because I can handle that pain, I can handle my emotional pain. I feel like I need a reason or an excuse to feel the emotional pain that I do, and having scars I gave myself gives me a reason for my irrational depression. I like the way it feels, when the razor slices open my skin... and I just have this irrational desire to see my own blood."



"When I'm put in a situation where I'd want to scream, but can't because of where I'm at and the people I'm around, hurting myself releases the tension in the same way as screaming or hurting others would, except it's quieter and less noticeable. If something upsets me at school, for instance, I can cut my wrist or dig my fingernails into my hand without anyone knowing what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. I also like the scars. They remind me of what I've been through, all of the emotions and mistakes I've made. It's like "wearing a journal." However, probably the biggest reason I SI is because I hate my "external" self. I'm content with who I am on the inside, but I feel like my body's this big, ugly mask, hiding who I really am, and keeping others from wanting to get to know me. I hate myself with a passion, and I feel disconnected in a way, like there are two separate parts of me. I often want to destroy my body... to mutilate it in any way that I can."



To release all of the anger and pain kept in me. It relaxes me, I feel somewhat normal after I SI. I love the feeling during and after, it seems to feel almost orgasmic.

Stereotypical as this may sound, it helps me cope. At first, it was just to control the random, intense periods of depression/self-loathing/sadness I'd feel. That's still one reason I SI, but another one has popped up: I get frustrated and angry, and I've started to develop a temper. I don't want to risk EVER taking my anger out on someone else physically--I don't think I would, but isn't it better to not take that chance, and just hurt myself?

[female, age 19, began to SI at age 16 at the latest, college student (full time)]

I self-injure(d) because it's always been the highest pleasure for myself, pure ecstasy, it makes me feel as good as possible, it's perfect if done correctly. Perfect self-injure (highest pleasure) for me would consist of 3 main parts 1) making myself suffer 2) watching my blood flow 3) trying to bear the pain that seems to be impossible to bear.

I self-injure(d) not because my life is so grey and I don't have anything else to do, not because I am unhappy about my life, not because I'm crying for help or seeking attention, nor I hate my body or my whole self. But yes, I am self-destructive, and it's not a paradox, it's how the harmony is built: there's no life without death, there's no will to live without will to destroy myself and die. I like myself, but I'd like to destroy myself at the same time, because the whole personality is composed of opposites, and I'm not trying to fight the self-destructive part. I like pleasure, and I like suffering, and there's no pleasure without suffering. And as I realise it, suffering turns into pleasure, it becomes highest pleasure when the dark side of my soul feasts upon the reasonable, "pro-life" part, and then there's no suffering anymore, just endless exstasy, euphoria.

Note: I separated "dark side" from all the rest of myself just to make it easier to understand, because both parts are participating in creating the pleasure, and they are actually just two manifestations of the whole, two different sides of the I.

P.S. I've never seen masochism mentioned on self-injury pages, because it is supposed to be suffering that brings you pleasure, but only if received from other person, so it doesn't fit with SELF-injury. For me self-injury is (sado-)masochism within myself, within those imaginary two parts of the I, and it is prevailing of the "dark side" and submission of the will to live.

[female, age 18, began to think of SI at age 6 and can't remember when she began to SI, high school student]

I really don't know. At first I only did it when I was really stressed, depressed or in panic. Not very often. The last month I've done it every day, mostly "to get it done with", I know I have to, so I might as well do it so I can go on to make other things, like studying. Some days I've tried not to, just to see what happens, but it just end up worse that way.

[female, age 19, began to SI at age 18, University student]

When I was younger (12 or 13) it was mainly because I was angry with people, but didn't know how to communicate my anger. I would get upset, but not wanting to lash out at others, I would attack myself instead. I began to struggle with depression and anxiety throughout the following years, and I realized that self-injury was a way to feel "better". I would think of suicide, but not wanting to actually kill myself, I realized that physically harming myself was an easier solution. I would feel completely empty and consumed by these painful emotions - self-injury gave me something REAL and tangeable to feel... gave me something other than emotional pain to experience.

[female, age 19, began to SI at age 12, first year university student]

--My family makes me feel like I deserve it. --I receive so much emotional pain I can't deal with it; physical pain is so much each to deal with, I cut enough so that the physical overpowers the emotional. --Physical pain gives me a sense of control. when you're hurting inside, you feel lost, confused, etc. when you're cutting, you can say, ok, my arm hurts right here, I know that if I put a bandage on it, it will be better and the pain will stop. --I hate hypocritical people who say we SI for attention. I can't speak for everyone, but I definitely do not want attention!!! I got reported and my SI was investigated by my mom, doctor, counselor etc. That is NOT the kind of attention I would ever want, and I would never be so desperate for it that I would even want negative attention like that. **I do to my body what's been done to my soul**

[female, age 17, began to SI at age 14, HS student]

Now?... I'm addicted.

I started before I had any knowledge of what self harm was or even that such a thing existed... I was physically abused as a child and whenever I felt strong emotion (positive or negative) I would feel suffocated and out of control... so I would hit my head against walls, and so on, to make my brain work again...

After a while I found whenever I stopped self harming I would feel uncontrollable emotional conflict and turbulence, I would shake and sweat, feel disorientated and sick, I'd lose concentration, be unable to sleep and I'd either resort to self harm again or I would placate myself with certain drugs and alcohol.

[female, age 16, began to SI at age 6, College Student]

Self injury is like a mirror to me. There are many depths and perspectives to the reasons I hurt myself. First and most importent, its a way to focuse on something other than the mental pain I'm going through at that time. Its a way to dissapear inside myself, and not have to worry or think about anything else but the physical pain and the blood brought on by self injury. It's a way to wear my pain on the outside, and express my history of ups and downs on my body, where I cant forget it.

[female, age 14, began to SI at age 11, High School student]

Well, i did it for the first time in 11 months last night. I did/do it when i felt that there was no other option. When i was too dissociated to think clearly, to talk about my feelings (be it to my boyfriend, best friend, or diary). Sometimes it'd be when i was angry at my father, which i turned in on myself. Other times it was because i was bored. Or restless. Or just needing to feel at all. It's infinitely easier to deal with physical pain than emotional. You can say "Right arm. Pain. There's a cut. Put a kleenex on it. That's right. See, the pain's all gone. Good girl." You can't do that when you have no idea what's going on inside of you to make you feel the way you do.

[female, age 16, began to SI at age 9, high school student]

I cut because it is my way of escaping my pain. It is my way to know Im real, and alive, and still existant in this harsh world. I dont want to inflict violence upon others, so I inflict it upon myself. I hate myself. I was teased and tortured by other kids at school. No one liked me. Sometimes I would think I had gained a friend, but they would turn on me. Just some joke they decided to play on me. They would call me names, poke at me, hit me, pull my hair, tease me, say demeaning things in front of the whole class, etc. Things were no better at home. My dad left when I was young. My mom constantly critized me for not being able to do things right. For always messing up. Not living up to my potential. Not dressing right. Not sitting still. Not doing a lot of things right according to her. She calls me stupid, a failure, nothing, a worthless bum, a loser. She has way too high expectations of me. My sister is no better. Shes on my moms side. I used to be so scared of

her. She'd always scream at me and hit me. I was always the problem and always to blame. I have a lot of reasons to SI. Im now soon to be 19 and still in high school. Im not even half-way finished with it. Ive been too busy being a drug addict and an alcoholic to realize I was throwing my life away. I ran away once, didnt help much. I tried to overdose and slit my wrists, never worked. Ive tried to hang myself, and Ive put a gun to my head. Life is hard sometimes. But I realized things DO get better. I was at the worst Id ever been. I never imagined someone could feel the way I did. I felt so completely empty. Devoid of all hope and sanity. I was hearing voices, cutting every day all day, hoping to die. My eyes were dead black spheres, empty and cold. Unloving, uncaring, unwilling, unwanting, undeserving. I was lonely and I could feel no longer. I had become completely numb. I would break down so many times throughout the day and just fall to the ground and start crying uncontrollably. I didnt want to do anything anymore. I stopped everything. I layed in bed and stared endlessly at my ceiling. I stopped eating, stopped going out, stopped laughing, stopped smiling, stopped talking, stopped moving..I just stopped. I didnt want to be anymore. I was just so sick of it. I guess all of this is why I cut. Because I feel so numb inside, so dead and empty, completely lonely. And cutting gives my body a jolt, a little feeling. It just lets me know Im still human, even when I think Im not. Even when Im slipping away, it still helps me to hold on for just a little bit longer. And even when I think Im dead (and Im convinced my soul died a long time ago), it helps to assure me Im still among the living. Life was given to us to live, some use it only to survive - now I believe thats a terrible waste. I try to live each day to its fullest now. I step on the pain inside. I use it as a boost. I try to learn from it and grow. Its hard and each day I struggle with not cutting myself. But all it takes is a little belief. Now..I believe....do you?

[female, age 18, began to SI at age 6]

It started out with me wanting to hurt my mother, wanting her to know how much she was hurting me. I wasn't raised to ever talk about my feelings, so I don't know how to do it. It's sorta like a covered pot with water in it on high heat. Eventually the pot will boil over. When I got angry or frustrated or sad, I had to let my feelings out, so I would cut myself. Sometimes I use it as a punishment, like, "I can't believe I made a C on that Physics quiz. I am so fucking stupid. I have to cut. I hate myself. I'll never get right, I'll never get anything right." Sometimes I do it to feel alive, not to feel empty and disconnected. Sometimes I think that if I can just cut out the badness in me, the sickness, and get it out of my skin, then I'll be okay. Then I'll be purged and clean. I crave the feeling of it, the sight, the experience, the power. It's so addictive, that even if I haven't done it for weeks or months, I can imagine perfectly what it would feel like.

[female, age 20, began to SI at age 7]

It's sort of automatic now... But I guess that, inside I hurt so badly that I'd rather feel ANYTHING than what's inside. It's too much for one person to sit through, and the sharpness of a blade through my skin brings my mind away from the overwhelming HURT on the inside. External pain is much easier to deal with. SHARP pain is easier to deal with. I mean, would you rather have a stomach ache where it gets so bad you're about to hurl, OR get slapped? Sharp pain is so much better.

[female, age 26, began to SI at around age 13, high school]

I have a hard time putting thoughts and feelings into words.

I guess I do it because it feels good. Of course physical pain doesn't always feel good but when I inflict it apon myself knowingly, willingly, I am prepared and I want it. Sometimes I do it to calm me down when I'm in such a rage or fit of sadness that I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't remember where I heard this but someone wrote or said something along the lines of, "It's like a release. All the tension, pain, sadness, anger, fustration, whatever that's eating you up inside is let out of through you're blood. Everything seeps out of your wound."

I swear sometimes pain feels good.

Sometimes I do it because I have this urge to see my bloode. To break skin. To do it for the sake of doing it. I'm used to it. I like the feel of crimson running down my skin or a slight sharp sting of inflicting a wound. It's always fascinating. Creating a new scar on my gallery of a body.

I truly swear to god LOATHE myself. I do not discriminate, I hate everyone. My old keychain. I do in a way hate everyone but no one comes close to me. I have so many flaws and I know what most of them are but I can't or at least won't change. I'm sick and disgusted by myself.

I don't know. It's hard to say. There's many reasons and some just cannot be explained.

[female, age 15, began to SI at age 13]

I don't feel okay about myself. I don't feel okay about the way I interact with others. I feel ugly and disgusting and awkward and anoying. I don't know what I am. I can't stand myself. I hate waking up and not being able to be something different than I am. I feel guilty for most everything in my life. I always find a way to screw up. It releases the guilt a little. It helps me to deal with emotions. It helps me to make them real. To express them. I feel I'm better after releasing them.

[female, age 16, began to SI at age 13]