Famous Self-Injurers

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Many famous stars have come out with their stories of self-injury, some have recovered, some have not. Even though they are scrutinized by the media, they have had the courage to reveal their struggles. Below is a brief description of each celebrity, and a bit about their self-injury.

Note: This is NOT meant as an "idolization" of these celebrities. I neither condemn nor condone their actions.

Fiona Apple


Picture of Fiona AppleFiona Apple, famous singer/songwriter, was raped outside of her mother's apartment at the age of twelve. For years after her rape she would check her closets to make sure no one was hiding in the house and would be nervous around older men. And she still continues to have bad, violent dreams. During her teens and the months she spent making her album, Tidal, she suffered with an eating disorder. Frustrated at the misunderstanding by the media of her eating disorder she attempted to explain it in a 1998 Rolling Stone interview, "I definitely had an eating disorder. What was really frustrating for me was that everyone though I was anorexic, and I wasn't. I was really depressed and self-loathing. For me, it wasn't about being thin, it was about getting rid of the bait attached to my body. A lot of it came from the self-loathing that came from being raped at the point of developing my voluptuousness. I just thought that if you had a body and if you had anything on you that would be grabbed, it would be grabbed. So I did purposely get rid of it." As a result of her eating disorder Fiona became extremely thin but the media wrote off her thinness as an attempt to "fit in." After her "Criminal" video from her album, "Tidal," came out she began gaining weight on purpose. She wanted to show the world that she didn't care about being thin. In 1998 she said, "I mean, my plan is to gain enough weight that I can really be considered voluptuous, and do my 'First Taste' video. And I am preparing myself for what is going to happen. Because soon they will be saying that I'm fat. And it will hurt me."

When Fiona read her first bad review for Tidal she began scratching her left wrist with the fingernails of her right hand. She scratched all the way up her arm, there are still some dark patches on her wrists, where she dug the deepest. Fiona said, "I have a little bit of a problem with that. It's a common thing." When asked if it made her feel better she simply replied, "It just makes you feel." Fiona also sometimes bites her lips as hard as she can, sometimes until they bleed. "And it'll be bleeding, and I can't stop, because it almost feels so good when I bite my lip." Trying to explain her actions she said, "It was never, like, 'I am going to hurt myself and put myself in the hospital.' ...It is that I am going to give myself the pain that I need to feel to put the punctuation on this shit that's going inside."

Fiona would get frustrated and sad when she feel that people think she's "crazy." She says, "The most annoying thing for me to hear about myself is that I'm trying to make people have a pity party for me. Everything that I've gone through has been dramatized by the people who've written about it, not by me. I'm just saying, 'This happened to me, this happened to a lot of people.' Why should I hide shit? Why does that give people a bad opinion of me? It's a reality. A lot of people do it. Courtney Love pulled me aside at a party and showed me her marks."

Fiona Apple has become a happier and more confident individual since she talked so frankly about her past self-injury and eating disorder to Rolling Stone. Articles in several magazines and newspapers, including The Washington Post and USA Today, mention different new aspects of Fiona, such as her new take on life, a healthy weight gain and a new-found confidence in herself and her music. In a USA Today interview she said still gets upset when she reads a particularly bad article about herself or review of her music but does not mention any further self-injurious behavior as a result.

Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore has been removed from this page because only one brief sentence in a single article claimed that she self-injures. Further searches for more evidence of this have been inconclusive.

Brody Dalle


Picture of Brode DalleAustralian Brody Dalle, frontwoman of the Southern Californian punk-pop band The Distillers, was born in Fitzroy, Melbourne Australia on January 1, 1979. She is a woman both loathed and loved by those on the punk scene and is known for her powerful voice that has been likened to screaming.

As a teenager Brody used to write poetry about darker subjects, including rape and rage. Her biological father was kicked out of the home for physical abuse when she was a young girl and the man who her mother married helped aid in her feeling like an outsider in her own home. Frequent fights with her mother increased the feelings of alienation. She also felt like an outside at school. At age 15 her mother sent her to an all-girls Catholic school to try to get her to conform, basically to tame her, but it did not work well. 'For some reason my mom decided to send me there 'cause I was a young, wild, promiscuous teenager. [It was] pretty horrifying for me. I'm pro-choice and I was in Catholic schools where I couldn't debate about that. It wasn't acceptable 'cause we were 'children of God.' It was bullshit." Brody said in a SF Weekly article, "Around 13, I started getting really angry and hating my mom--I mean, really hating my mom. She hated me too. We ended up strangling each other in the kitchen. I was always an angry kid, so I started running away and doing [angry] teenage girl stuff--cutting myself, getting high, not going to school."

In the mid-'90s Brody started with a band, Sourpuss. She met her ex-husband, Tim Armstrong, during a gig at Australia's Somersault Festival. In 1997 she moved to Los Angeles with her husband and started The Distillers. They released their self-titled debut album. When their next album Sing Sing Death House was released Brody had found her voice and the music itself was raw and powerful. Social issues of all kinds were covered in the songs, including some of the personal issues she has dealt with in the past.

Brody talks about her childhood best friend in one of her songs. In LA Weekly she says, 'Gerti wasn't anorexic or bulimic, and she wasn't addicted to drugs, but she cut. Yeah, she cut herself. I've known girls who are anorexic, too. Someone real close to me now is anorexic, and it's just thrown her family into hell. It's so scary, so sad that some women feel that they have to starve themselves, and this woman I know, she knows she has a problem and she just can't stop. I see these girls, they're 14 years old, taller than me and weigh half what I weigh."

Brody tries to reach out to kids who are going through rough times, kids in need. While she has some themes of self-destruction in her music she no longer cuts herself.

"If I cut, I won't look like that
If I cut, If I cut,
I won't feel like this shit"

"Sick of It All," The Distillers

Johnny Depp

Picture of Johnny DeppJohnny Depp, an actor well known for his portrayal of eccentric characters in such movies as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Pirates of the Caribbean, was born in Owensboro, Kentucky in 1963. When he was young he was also know for his "bad boy" behavior. In a 1999 Avantgarde interview Johnny said, "As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too." Even today he still has feelings of insecurity about himself. In 1999 he said, "My self-image it still isn't that alright. No matter how famous I am, no matter how many people go to see my movies, I still have the idea that I'm that pale no-hoper that I used to be. A pale no-hoper that happens to be a little lucky now. Tomorrow it'll be all over, then I'll have to go back to selling pens again." During his teens he had drinking, smoking and doing drugs. There were episodes of petty theft and vandalism. He dropped out of high school at the age of sixteen so that he could concentrate on being a musician. He continued to have problems with drugs and drinking into his twenties.

Johnny has a series of seven or eight scars on his left forearm where he has cut himself with a knife on different occasions to commemorate various moments or rights of passage in his life. In a Talk magazine interview he said, "It was really just whatever [times when he hurt himself]--good times, bad times, it didn't matter. There was no ceremony. It wasn't like 'Okay, this just happened, I have to go hack a piece of my flesh off.'" In a 1993 Details magazine interview Johnny explained his self-injury, "My body is a journal in a way. It's like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist." Johnny has several tattoos, such as the one that says 'Wino Forever' (used to be 'Winona Forever" when he was dating the famous actress, Winona Ryder).

Johnny Depp now lives in France with his steady girlfriend (whom he considers his wife), Vanessa Paradis, and his daughter and son. He has quit doing drugs and no longer drinks heavily. In a 2001 Movie Star Magazine interview he talked about how he is currently the happiest he has ever been, "My upbringing made me as I am now. But I can become merry and happy at once. There were many years I was feeling at a loss about my life or how I grew up. I couldn't understand what is right or what is precious. At that time, I was so miserable and self-defeating. I was feeling angry with various things. My anger came up to the surface then. I don't say such tendency has disappeared. Even now there are anger and the dark side in myself. But it's the first time I've been so close to the light."

Richey Edwards

Picture of Richey EdwardsRichey James Edwards, a musician who was the celebrity most up front with his self-injurious behavior, was born on December 22, 1967. He grew up under his grandmother's care in Blackwood until he was thirteen because his parents could not afford to take care of him. He joined the band, "The Manic Street Preachers," after they had funded their first single, "Suicide Alley."

While in the band Richey suffered from deepening alcoholism and anorexia, he also went through long bouts of depression and insomnia, and self-injury. He had suffered from self-injury since he was a teenager. On May 15, 1991 Richey carved "4 Real" on his forearm with a razor blade. The wound required seventeen stitches, and was done while Richey was involved in a discussion with an NME Live Reviews Editor at the Time. The next day he called and apologized and explained his behavior, "I tried talking to Steve for an hour to explain ourselves [The Manic Street Preachers]...I didn't abuse him or insult him. I just cut myself. To show that we are no gimmick, that we are pissed off. That we are for real." By the end of 1993 he had started stubbing cigarettes out on his arm and was drinking heavily. Also, at an April 1994 concert in Bangkok, Thailand, he appeared with his chest slashed open by knives a fan had sent him. In July of 1994, after having been missing for forty-eight hours and drinking and self-injuring during this time, Richey entered a rehabilitation clinic and stayed ten weeks.

On February 1, 1995 leaves the Embassy Hotel he was staying at, stopped at his Cardiff apartment, and disappeared, leaving behind his passport and credit cards. He was reported missing and his abandoned car was found on the Severn Bridge, a place notorious for suicides. Police presumed he was dead by the time summer came around. People still wonder if Richey is still alive and occasionally there are "sightings" of him.

"When I cut myself I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annoying me suddenly seem so trivial because I'm concentrating on the pain. I'm not a person who can scream and shout so this is my only outlet. It's all done very logically."
(Siamese Animal Men - NME)

"It's about people who take their frustration out on everyone around them. I never raise my voice. Cutting myself or hurting myself is the way I deal with anger."
('Manic Frustration' - Kerrang!)

"I think it's quite common. It's on the increase. It's all about self-discipline. Like, self-obsession is connected completely with self-loathing, and it's the same with, um, if you've got a weight problem. It's all about... finding some worth in yourself, knowing that you've got the discipline to do it, and knowing that other people maybe can't do it. And it's also, I think, really connected to the fact that you almost feel, like, silent, you have no voice, you're mute, there's just no, you've got no option' Even if you could express yourself nobody would listen anyway' Things that go on inside you, there's no other way to get rid of them.

I mean, I've been in clinics where there's been lots of people who've cut themselves and abused themselves, physically and violently. It's pretty common, it's clichéd amongst people who do it that when they do it they don't actually feel any pain. You know, even when you're maybe having stitches in your body and things have been done to you, it doesn't matter. You're in a frame of mind where it really does not hurt.

You know, maybe a few days later you get a certain amount of pain as the skin starts to heal, but when you're in that frame of mind it's really natural. It's the only logical thing to do. Otherwise you feel you could almost do something to another person, and that is something that I would - again, like I said, I would never ever take it out on somebody else. Maybe the things I do, it's more concerned with the fact that I don't like myself very much, and so I would not expect anyone else to judge me that highly; so if I discipline myself I can feel relatively content with my mental state and my physical state. If I can balance those two then I feel OK, and I'm not really worried what people think about me. Because I judge myself harsher, and on more strict terms, than they ever could probably. I - I think. Mm."
(Villa 65 - Dutch Radio)

"Self abuse is anti-social, aggression still natural."
(Melody Maker)

"I eat and I dress and I wash and I still can say thank you
Puking - shaking - sinking I still stand for old ladies
Can't shout, can't scream, hurt myself to get pain out"
(Manic Street Preachers, 'Yes')

"Roses in the hospital
Stub cigarettes out on my arm
Roses in the hospital
Want to feel something of value
Roses in the hospital
Nothing really makes me happy
Roses in the hospital
Heroin is just too trendy

Roses in the hospital
Try to pull my finger nails out
Roses in the hospital
I want to cling to something soft
Roses in the hospital
Progressing like a constant war
Roses in the hospital
There's no one to feel ashamed for
)Manic Street Preachers, 'Roses in the Hospital')

"It's about people who hurt themselves in order to concentrate, or just to feel something."
(explanation of the song, 'Roses In The Hospital')

"Scratch my leg with a rusty nail, sadly it heals."
(Manic Street Preachers, 'Die in the Summertime')

"Get some pain and I feel alive - born to end
Close my eyes overdose on hell - born to end
Get run over by no direction - born to end
Breathing dead and I'm born to end - born to end
(Manic Street Preachers, 'Born To End')

Colin Farrell

Picture of Colin FarrellColin was born on May 31, 1976 in Castleknock, Dublin, Ireland. This famous actor has starred in a number of films and has gained quite a fan following. He has been named a bad boy in Hollywood because of his flippant attitude towards drink, drugs and sex.

Colin said to GQ of school, "I was terrible in school. I really didn't listen a day. I was just so uninterested. I had no grand master plan. I just never studied and didn't do homework, cheated in exams every chance I got. I just didn't give a fuck." He was the youngest of four children and had it easier than his older siblings. He took great advantage of this. Colin said that was the reason he "ended up fucking earlier, and drinking earlier, and doing drugs earlier." At age thirteen he had already been drinking and he has described two drinking episodes that resulted in vomiting and "the spins." He smoked his first spliff when he was fifteen and first took Ecstasy when he was sixteen. That was the start in experimenting with other drugs. He would lock the door of his bedroom and he would do speed, coke, ecstasy, or whatever other drug he had.

At sixteen, because over twenty boys at school looking to hurt him his parents moved him to Gormanston boarding school. Colin, who often fought in school, did not adhere to the school's strict discipline. He often skipped classes and would spend lunch drinking at a local pool hall. At seventeen he was expelled because he threw a supervisor against a wall and threatened him because the supervisor grabbed him.

As a teenager Colin tried to get into the entertainment world. He signed up for a local modeling agency and got small bits on television. One part was modeling a G-string on Irish television. He volunteered because, "That was a pill, you know. Two pills if you're buying off the right person..." Colin and a friend later tried to get to America but were unable to so they opted for Australia. He got his first role in a play but returned to Ireland only ten months into his stay. After his return from Australia he was drifting and was completely depressed. Later on he would feel that this difficulty was self-created. He stopped talking to siblings and eventually had a sort of breakdown in front of his mother. A doctor told him he had to stop the drugs so he stopped both the drugs and drinking at that time. The doctor put him on Librium and some Antabuse pills that would make him sick if he drank. He stopped drinking for eleven months.

In GQ Colin said of himself, "I'm a hair puller-outer." When he was thirteen or fourteen he tugged out the whole part of hair near his forehead, strand by strand. "What do you call it? Trichomania or something. There is some generic psychological term for it. I loved the sensation." He liked the little jabs of pain of the hair as it was pulled out. "Yeah, the little sensation. Just, yeah... right before it's left the follicle, right - that moment, right before it's left. And then the... duuukkkk. I just fucking love it."

Jessicka Fodera


Picture of Jessicka Fodera
Jessicka Fodera, a singer most known for her bands Jack off Jill and Scarling, was born on October 23, 1975. She grew up in Florida as an only child. As a three-year-old she was enrolled in a local Montessori school, there she did well in art and music. Fodera's mother later enrolled her in Horizon Elementary School's gifted program, where she excelled in theater, art, and creative writing. Fodera found the school's chorus group in middle school and found that she was as a good singer. She quickly became bored with the choir's stifling standards and, by the time she entered high school, Fodera was "immersed in music, Goth culture, gay iconography, and feminist literature". She would write the word "cunt" on her knuckles. When she was seventeen she decided to start her own band.

Fodera's first few attempts at a band were a failure but by 1991 she had joined the first incarnation of Jack Off Jill. In 1992 the band began opening for Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids. Jack Off Jill, made up of four women, became one of the most controversial underground bands during their time. Fodera would perform shocking on-stage antics, such as covering the audience with spit and blood and candy covered razors. In 1993 Marilyn Manson and Fodera were charged with misdemeanors after a concert in Jacksonville, Florida. Fodera began cutting herself on stage, which earned her the tile of "Patron saint of self injury".

In 1997 Jack off Jill signed with Risk Records and created the full-length Sexless Demons and Scars to the mainstream public. While Jack Off Jill met with growing success Fodera began to question her commitment to the band. She and band mate, Robin Moulder, were disagreeing on where to take the band and her mentor, Marilyn Manson, were no longer speaking. She later made up with Manson and became part of the Marilyn Manson / Monster Magnet / Hole tour after Hole left the tour prematurely. Jack Off Jill released their second full-length album, Clear Hearts Grey Flowers in 1999. In 2000 Jack Off Jill officially disbanded.

In 2002 Scarling was formed and in April, 2004 Scarling released their debut album, Sweet Heart Dealer. Their second album, So Long, Scarecrow, was released on August 23, 2005. Jessika still continues to play and tour with Scarling.

On her website Fodera says of her self-injury when asked "Why do you cut yourself so much?": "The question might be why did I cut myself so much? I initially started cutting myself at an early age out of frustration. Cutting tends to relieve anger. Many self-injurers like myself have enormous amounts of rage within and are sometimes afraid to express it outwardly, we injure ourselves as a way of venting these feelings without hurting others. When intense feelings built, I became overwhelmed and unable to deal with it. By causing pain, I could reduce the level of emotional stress to a bearable one. As a teenager it was an escape from the numbness many of those who self-injure say they do it in order to feel something, to know that they're still alive. You obtain a certain feeling of euphoria. Continuing abusive patterns later in life became more force of habit an adrenal rush on stage rather then a cry for help."

Kelly Holmes


Picture of Kelly HolmesKelly Holmes, an English athlete most known for her winning gold medals in the 800 meters and 1500 meters in the 2004 Summer Olympics, was born on April 19, 1970. Holmes attended Hugh Christie Comprehensive School in Tonbridge at the age of twelve. She started training for athletics and joined the Tonbridge Athletics Club. There she was coached by David Arnold and later won the English schools 1500 meter title at the junior and senior levels. Her hero at this time was British middle distance runner, Sebastian Coe. At age 18 Holmes joined the British Army as a lorry driver in the Women's Royal Army Corps. She was later transferred in 1992 to the Adjutant General's Corps as a physical trainer after the corps disbanded. During this time she also became British Army judo champion and in army athletic events once competed in the men's 800 meters because it was thought that to run in the women's event would be too embarrassing for other competitors. She competed in other events and won.

Holmes decided to become an athlete again after watching Lisa York complete in the 1992 Summer Olympics on television. She had competed against York previously and had won. For some time she kept her job in the army and also engaged in athletics until 1997 when increased funding allowed her to become a full time athlete.

Holmes won the English national 800 meters in 1993 and the 1500 meters in 1994. She won the gold in the 1500 meters at the 1994 Commonwealth Games. She also broke United Kingdom's 800 meter and 1000 meter record. Holmes did suffer several injuries through the course of her athletic career, which caused her to lose. At the 2002 Commonwealth Games in Manchester she won the 1500 meter gold and at the European Championships in Munich, Holmes won the bronze medal in the 800 meters.

In 2004 Holmes won in the 800 meter and 1500 meter Summer Olympics in Athens. She had arrived there without any of the injuries that had plagued her in earlier years and she became the seventh British woman to win an athletics gold and the first British woman to win two olympic gold medals. Holmes was made a Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire in the New Year's Honours List of 2004. The Queen presented her with the honor at Buckingham Palace on March 9, 2005. Holmes competed in her final race in the United Kingdom on August 21, 2005 and on December 6, 2005 Holmes announced her retirement from athletics, stating, "I actually knew in my heart and mind that it was the right choice and now I feel I can relax and be myself."

Holmes trained in 2003 for the 2004 Summer Olympics at a French training camp and suffered several leg injuries. She became depressed and began to cut herself with a pair of scissors. In a News of the World newspaper interview she stated, "I made one cut for every day that I had been injured." During this time period she had also considered suicide at least once and later sought help from a doctor, who diagnosed her with clinical depression. Anti-depressants would affect her performance so she used herbal serotonin tablets.

While training in 2003 for the 2004 Summer Olympics at a French training camp, Holmes suffered a number of leg injuries. Falling deep into depression, she began cutting her wrists and chest over a two-month period. "I made one cut for every day that I had been injured", Holmes stated in an interview with News of the World newspaper. At least once she considered suicide, stating in the same interview, "I even thought briefly, just for a moment, about pressing the scissors harder in my wrists." About her depression she said, "I thought I was cursed. It's the lowest I've ever, ever been." To draw away attention from the scars caused by her self-injury she would claim she had hurt herself while training.

In the British Sunday newspaper she told of her first self-injurious experience, "I'd locked myself in the bathroom and turned on the taps so nobody could hear me crying. That's when I saw a pair of scissors. I picked them up, opened them and started to cut my left arm. I made one cut for every day I'd been injured. With each one I felt I was punishing myself but at the same time I felt a sense of release that drove me to do it again and again. I knew deep inside that I wouldn't go any further. The whole episode was nothing more than a cry of despair."

In the same 2005 British Sunday newspaper interview she says, "Now I don't think I'll ever get to that stage again because I've achieved what I've always wanted. I strove to be the best and not give up on it."

Angelina Jolie


Picture of Angelina JolieAngelina Jolie, an actress who has won an Academy Award and starred in films such as "Girl Interrupted", "Tomb Raider," and "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" was born in 1975 to famous parents, both actors. She grew up in Los Angeles and studied at the Lee Strsberg Institute. She appeared in five student films for her filmmaker brother, James Haven Voight, as well as in music videos for the Rolling Stones, Meat Loaf, the Lemonheads, and Lenny Kravitz. Angelina had a short modeling career with Finesse Modeling Agency, in which she appeared in numerous fashion layouts. In 1996, at the age of twenty, she got married to Jonny Lee Miller, a British actor, while wearing a white shirt with her fiance's name written on it in her blood. The two got divorced two years later. In May 2000 she got married to Billy Bob Thornton.

In June 2001 Rolling Stone she said that during her very early teens she started "thinking about not wanting to be around. It was when the reality of life set in, the reality of surviving." Also, Angelina used to hurt herself during her early teens but stopped around the age of sixteen. She explained in a 2000 Maxim article, "You're young, you're crazy, you're in bed and you've got knives. So shit happens." But in 1999 Access Hollywood interview she explained it more in-depth, "I was..trying to feel something....I was looking at different things..thinking romantically about...about blood. I really hurt myself," and, "I was nearly in the hospital. I nearly cut my jugular vein." She also said in the same interview, "I was just....a kid. I was like 13, And, I was saying that it is not something that is cool. Its not cool. And I understand that it is a cry for help..."

In a 2000 Jane interview she said, "This person asked me about cutting myself when they saw a scar. I'm very open, but because of that, people think that they know everything about me, and, actually, they don't know anything. I say things that other people might go through. That's what artists should do - throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers for anything and see if people understand. But this person made the cutting sound interesting, like it was something I do now. [For the record, she did, but doesn't now, and doesn't endorse it.] And then I met somebody who said they'd seen movies of mine and then showed me where they had cut themselves. I had to explain, first off, not to do that. But it made me really fucking angry at the people who represent me in a way that would get that person to do that and show me. I don't understand why people would want to use something so damaging. It's like, let's make me look 'cool' and worry a lot of people in my family." Angelina has the Japanese symbol for "death" tattooed on her shoulder, and the Latin words, 'Quod me nutrit me destruit,' on her stomach, meaning "What nourishes me also destroys me."

Angelina Jolie no longer hurts herself as a way of coping but she freely admits to using knives during sex play. Article and interviews indicate that she is a much happier and more content individual than she was earlier in her life.

Alfred Kinsey


Picture of Alfred KinseyAlfred Charles Kinsey, most known for being the author of the first mass scientific survey of human sexual behavior in the United States, was born on June 23, 1894. He was the son of Alfred S. Kinsey, an engineering instructor at Stevens Institute of Technology. Kinsey - the son - went to Bowdoin College and graduated as a Bachelor of Science in 1916. Kinsey was an instructor in biology and zoology at Harvard, while working to get the Doctor of Science degree there. Beginning in 1920 became a specialist in plant and insect life and worked as an assistant professor in Indiana, later becoming a full professor of zoology in 1929. In 1942 he set up the Institute for Sex Research, Inc. with the help of Rockefeller Foundation funds. He began his famous statistical study of human sexual behavior in men and women in the United States.

Kinsey's first book, "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male", was published in 1948 to a mass of publicity. The book was 800 pages and sold about 500,000 copies at the price of $6.50. Discussion of the book and some of its shocking findings went on for several years in the media and books discussing Kinsey's book were written. Kinsey put all the royalties from the book back into his research. In 1953 the sequel, "Sexual Behavior in the Human Female", was published.

Kinsey and his scientific conclusions on sexuality were both attacked and defended. Some of these attackers included famous psychologists of the time, including Dr. Karl A. Menninger. Others were civics groups like the National Council of Women, and a committee of the House of Representatives. Kinsey claimed that religious groups pressured his sponsors to withdraw their support from his Institute for Sex Research. Two years before his death the Rockefeller Foundation, one of his major supporters, withdrew its aid and his institute was destined to close.

Kinsey was a sadomasochist and many people throw the word homosexual around when it comes to him, though not relevent when it comes to his deviancy from "normal" sexual practices. It's been said that he pushed his wife and fellow researchers a the Kinsey Institute into different types of sexual deviancy, which he filmed. He would compulsively try every type of sexual deviancy which he found.

It was not revealed until later that he had engaged in compulsive genital self-injury, including self-circumcision. In the 2005 movie Kinsey Kinsey self-injures in the bathroom after a loss of research funding. His fellow researchers and his biographers say that he had been self-injuring for years because of his sexual deviancy that had led him into all sorts of bizarre sex practices.

Courtney Love


Picture of Courtney LoveCourtney Love, outspoken and often times controversial singer and actress, was born in San Francisco in 1965. Her parents, who have been living a hippie lifestyle, bitterly divorced when Courtney was only five. As a child she was diagnosed as being autistic and went to therapy for several years. She went wild during her teenage years and was expelled from school at the age of fourteen for drinking alcohol, had many conflicts with teachers and had several minor shoplifting offenses. At the age of sixteen she dropped out of high school. Courtney formed her band, Hole, in 1989 with her friend, Eric Erlandsen. She married Kurt Cobain, the lead singer for Nirvana, in early 1992. Kurt killed himself in 1994. There was some controversy because there are rumors that Courtney killed him, she has denied it.

Courtney went through a period of self-injury; she would cut herself on stage." While talking about Kurt's overdoses in a 1995 SPIN interview she said, "Some people OD. I've never ODed, ever. I've gotten really fucking blasto, but instead of ODing, I chatter and start talking too much, screaming and running around naked and getting hysterical, cutting my arms, you know, crazy shit. Breaking windows. But I never have fallen on the floor blue."

She said in a 2000 SPIN interview, "I have many [self-destructive bones], and I've broken a bunch. I think self-destructiveness is given a really bad rap. I think that self-destructiveness can also mean self-reflection, can mean poetic sensibility, it can mean empathy, it can mean a hedonism and a libertarianism and a lack of judgement."

Marilyn Manson

Picture of Marilyn MansonMarilyn Manson was born in Canton, Ohio to Episcopalian parents, a smothering mother and a volatile father suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. As a child he was terrified of the apocalypse and the Antichrist, fears introduced by a grade-school teacher. Manson described himself as an adolescent "worm" with no self-esteem, surrounded by a dysfunctional family and hypocritical, emotionally abusive peers at school and church. As a teenager, Manson stole, and later experimented with black magic, drugs and rock music. Later, after he had formed his band, he would perform bizzare on-stage antics, abused drugs, self-injured, and did other self-destructive things.

Manson first cut himself when he was in the ninth grade during a class, he dug into his forearms with a penknife. Later in life he would cut himself on stage and scar his skin. He had about 450 scars at the publishing of his book, "Long Hard Road out of Hell." Some of his fans have, unfortunately, decided to imitate him. In particular, two girls would follow Manson and would carve the words "Marilyn" and "Manson" on each other's chests and would show up at the concert in the front row with blood from their wounds dripping down their tank tops.

In a 1997 Guitar School interview he stated that he had been hospitalized for depression and scarification [self-injury] but didn't comment further on that. In a 1998 Rolling Stone interview he answered some questions regarding his self-injury, both onstage and offstage. About self-injury he said, "I think that's all a form of wanting to let go, of wanting to get out," and, "It's not something easily described or understood." About the differences between his onstage self-injury and offstage self-injury he said, "I think onstage it was more me trying to show people my pain, and offstage it was just feeling it, period."

In a 1998 Jane interview he said, "I would put myself through a lot of physical pain with drugs or masochistic behavior. And that was something that transformed me, really. I find myself being a different person. Yet no therapy was involved. I've tried a couple of times, but I find that self-examination works better for me than trying to explain it to someone else."

Shirley Manson


Picture of Shirley MansonShirley Manson, the sexy, red-haired singer of Garbage, was an angry child. She was teased, tormented, and even beaten-up by her classmates because of her looks. Classmates called her names such as "posh," "bloodhound," and "frog-eyed" because of her red hair and green eyes. As she grew older she became unhappy and violent, and planned to drop out of high school when she turned sixteen. A certain teacher began ridiculing her until, "Until, I think, everyone in that school thought I was less than human. I felt ugly, weak, overwhelmed - I couldn't imagine being capable of doing anything. I certainly never thought I could be in a band. This was a dream it didn't even occur to me to dream about." (1998, Select Magazine) Shirley took up smoking, boys and drinking, she began using drugs on a regular basis during her late teens. In 1995, Shirley and her band released the self-titled, "Garbage," their debut album, which became an instant hit. The lyrics of her songs are well known for revealing her true emotions and feelings.

Shirley Manson has a low self-esteem and hates the way she looks. In a 1998 Select interview she said, "I feel disgusting. I could take a knife to my throat for the way I look. Can someone just put a bin or a bag or a fucking bomb on my head?" As a teenager her feelings of weakness and of being overwhelmed were manifested in cutting, she would snip the safety guards off Bic razors and would cut up her arms. When she was a teenager she used to carry a sharp object in the laces of her boots and would cut herself with it whenever she felt stressed, anxious or depressed; she hid the scars by wearing long pants and boots. She explained in a The Herald article the experience of self-injuring, "I wouldn't say that cutting was pleasurable, but there is a sense of euphoria that follows cutting yourself. The quick pinch of pain and the sight of blood snaps you back to the surface and you start to appreciate being alive."

Shirley Manson no longer self-injures but still feels the urge from time to time. In 1998 she almost relapsed during her European Tour, in which she felt homesick and tired of hearing the males in her group talk about women. She told The Herald about her near relapse, "I ran to my dressing room in a flood of tears. I hated myself all over again for not being thin enough or having a perfect body. It hurt so much that suddenly cutting started to make sense again." She took a penknife and was about to cut herself when a fellow band member walked in.

She has gone public with her past experiences because she feels the need to help others. She said, "I'm speaking out because I feel this problem is getting worse for some kids. I'm not an expert on this, but you have to talk to someone. I've seen kids with cigarette burns on their arms or gashes on their legs. It kills me, but hopefully my coming forward can help a little."

Lyrics from the song, Medication:

"Somebody get me out of here, I'm tearing at myself.
Nobody gives a damn about me, or anybody else..."

Princess Diana


Picture of Princess DianaDiana, Princess of Wales, was born on July 1, 1961 to the Viscount and Viscountess of Althorp. Diana's parents divorced when she was six, her mother leaving her father for another man. During the rest of her childhood she shuttled back and forth between two households. At age fourteen, she had described herself as hopeless and a poor student.

Diana began purging the night before her marriage to Prince Charles, having discovered that her fiance was in love with another woman. During her marriage she felt no control over her life, it was a repeat of the pain and betrayal of her childhood.

In a 1995 BBC television interview Diana revealed to the world that she was a self-injurer. She said that she had cut her arms and legs, explaining, "You have so much pain inside yourself that you try and hurt yourself on the outside because you want help." "Diana: Her True Story," a biography written on the princess said that Diana had thrown herself into a glass cabinet at Kensington palace at various times, slashed her wrists with a razor, and cut herself with the serrated edge of a lemon slicer. Once, during a heated argument with Prince Charles, she picked up a penknife and cut her chest and thighs. Her husband still scorned her, and thought she was faking her problems, that it was melodramatic attention seeking. During a fight on an airplane, Diana locked herself in the bathroom, cut her arms, and smeared the blood over the cabin walls and seats. Another time she threw herself down the stairs.

Diana died on August 31, 1997 in an automobile accident with her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed, while trying to evade the paparazzi. She was a courageous women, and gave further prominence to the problem of self-injury.

Christina Ricci


Picture of Christina Ricci
Christina Ricci, an actress since childhood, was born in Santa Monica, California to a lawyer-psychiatrist father and real estate agent mother in 1980. Her parents divorced when she was thirteen. She was discovered at the age of seven and a year later made her screen debut in Mermaids (1990), in which she played Cher's daughter. She showed herself to be a talented, adult actress in the movie, the Ice Storm, in which she played a sexually precocious fourteen-year-old. Christina, a compulsive talker and smoker, is known for her outspokenness on a large number of controversial topics.

In a US magazine interview Christina explained a small, smile-shaped scar on her hand. "I was trying to impress Gaby [Hoffmann, her best friend]. So I heated up a lighter and pressed it on my hand." She revealed other burn scars on her arms and said, "I wanted to see if I can handle pain. It's sort of an experiment to see if I can handle pain." In a SPIN magazine interview she revealed that she sometimes would put out cigarettes out on her arms. When asked if it hurts she replied, "No. You get this endorphin rush. You can actually faint from pain. It takes a second, a little sting, and then it's like you really don't feel anything. It's calming actually." In a 1998 Rolling Stone interview she explained where each scar came from. When she was angry about "not looking very good" Christina heated up a lighter and held it to her hand to impress some boys. Scratches on her forearms came from fingernails and soda tops. She explained, "It's like having a drink. But it's quicker. You know how your brain shuts down from pain? The pain would be so bad, it would force my body to slow down, and I wouldn't be as anxious. It made me calm." Christina also developed anorexia when she was fourteen but has since recovered. In a 1999 Mademoiselle interview she said, "In a way, I was trying to get rid of my breasts. Everyone my age wanted them, so it was like, whoo-ooo. Then I started hating them. And for all of my movies, I was supposed to be younger, so I'd have to strap them down."

When looking back on her self-injury the same interview Christina said, "when I was younger, I did self-mutilate. I'd be upset, so I'd do it, and it would calm me down. It's a horrible way to feel better. But there are two parts of your brain- one that really wants to destroy the other. And sometimes the idea of self-destruction is very romantic. I got over that."

Amy Studt


Picture of Amy StudtEnglish Amy Studt, singer, is from Bournemouto, England and was born in London on the 22nd of March, 1986. She has become a pop singer in the United Kingdon and has been compared to Avril Lavigne. She was discovered at the age of sixteen and went on to record a record, False Smiles.

Amy was bullied at school from an early age on before she became famous. In Bliss magazine she said, "When I was about 13, I was constantly bullied at my boarding school in Bournemouth. Girls would shout awful abuse at me in my dorm - to the point where I'd be curled up in a corner, sobbing. They'd call me a `sad loner' or `anorexic smurf'. I didn't have an eating problem, but I'm naturally skinny, and they knew I was sensitive about it. The abuse got me really depressed." The depression led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Amy was unable to concentrate on her schoolwork. Classmates and others, including teachers, though she was lazy. The stress caused headaches because of brain swelling and it took several months to diagnose. Even before that Amy had been unlucky. She had developed osteomyelitis, a bone disease that led her to be bedridden, at the age of twelve.

The bullying in her early teens led her to self-injure. Here is what she said about what happened:

The stress of the situation made me so ill i was stuck in a bed for days - but the abuse didn't stop. One time the bullies crept in to flick me with cold baked beans. I remember the day when the name-calling just got too much - I walked into the toilet, grabbed a pair of scissors and cut myself. I just wanted to replace one kind of pain with another - and i thought physical pain would be much easier to deal with. When I cut myself there was something to show for the hurt I was feeling. From then on I always cut myself when they started on me.

No-one knew about the cuts. I wore big jumpers all the time to cover my arms. I was devastated when my brother found out. One day we were putting up a birthday poster on a notice board and my sleeve slipped down revealing my scars. He grabbed my arm and said "what the smurf is that?" It was horrible, and I wouldn't talk about it.

My brother told my parents and close friends, but everyone just skirted round the subject. I hated the fact that people tip-toed around me, i kept thinking `just talk to me about it' but I guess it was really tough for everyone. I was embarrased too, because, let's face it, people think you're completely loopy if you're cutting yourself.

I self harmed for two years in total, even after moving schools and getting away from the bullies. I was feeling much happier but it was my boyfriend who eventually helped me stop. He could see from the scars what I was doing and one day he said `if you're doing it then I'm doing it as well' I did it one last time and he did it too. I was so apalled i didn't do it again.

I know now that self-harming is pointless and doesn't help. If you're being bullied, go and talk to someone you trust. Don't self harm because its not worth it. Chat to someone because if you keep it to yourself it just gets worse. Believe me... I know."

Amy is no longer bullied and her fame has caused past classmates to reconsider their view of her. Sincere or not they may be but she is no longer an outcast. She has overcome her self-destructive behavior and has become successful. Her songs, including "Just a Little Girl," got good radio play at the time of their release. The circumstances that led to her self-injurious behavior have been lifted.

Sid Vicious

Picture of Sid ViciousSid Vicious, aka John Simon Ritchie, was born in London, England on May 10, 1957. The legendary member of the Sex Pistols was known for his self-injury done live on stage and a popular and visible icon of the punk movement. He was raised by his mother, Anne Beverly, who was troubled and had a history of heroin abuse.

Sid became part of the Sex Pistols in February of 1977. He couldn't play music and usually had his amp turned down to near-zero because of this. It still did not matter. He was popular. He was a symbol of disaffected youth and the punk revolution. Photographer Dennis Morris said of Sid in a pictorial history of the band, Never Mind the Bollock's, "Deep down he was a shy person. I think he was frightened of the audiences.... Sometimes he showed no emotion at all."

By 1975 he had begun to self-injure. Sid later boasted that his body was covered in scars from self-inflicted cuts. It is also believed that around 1975 he also strangled a cat and assaulted a pensioner. Morris said of a meeting at McLaren's office after a tour, "Sid walked in with this knife stuck in his leg. We said 'Sid, you've got a knife in your leg'. He said 'uh, have I?' and pulled it out. He was so doped up all the time, especially on heroin, he never felt it."

Sid had a relationship with a very troubled woman, Nancy Spungen, who was the person who introduced him to heroin. She had abused drugs and had attempted suicide multiple times over the years. Their relationship has been described as codependent. Morris said, "When they were together he was like a kitten, but without her he would go crazy."

On tour in the USA in 1978 Sid was without Nancy and was increasingly agitated. Morris said, "[Sid] was erratic. No one knew why. It seemed he missed Nancy. Sometimes he wouldn't eat at all. He'd drink heavy and take lots of drugs." He self-injured on stage by slashing his chest and engaged in acts of violence on stage.

On October 12, 1978 Sid Vicious's girfriend, Nancy Spungen, was found dead in their room in a hotel in New York City. Sid had supposedly stabbed her to death. Ten days later Sid attempted suicide by repeatedly slashing his forearm with a knife and screaming, "I want to join Nancy, I didn't keep my part of the bargain," according to author Malcom Butt.

Sid died on February 2, 1979 of a heroin (which he obtained from his mother at a party because she feared he would be arrested buying drugs on the street) overdose while out on bail.

Amy Winehouse


Picture of Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse is a twenty-four-year-old Jewish girl from North London who is known for her drug abuse, relationship issues, and her crooning voice. Winehouse was born on September 23, 1983. She has been compared to Sid Vicious by Spin.com and is well-known for her song, "Rehab," which is an ode to her refusal to seek help for her drinking problem. Winehouse sports numerous pin-up girl tattoos and her drug and eating disorder problems have made her exceptionally thin. She is known for making drunken public appearances, including a time when she ran off the stage to vomit.

Winehouse's parents, Mitch and Janis, divorced when she was nine; she and her brother lived mainly with her mother in North London. When Amy was ten she and friend, Juliette Ashby, formed a rap duo called Sweet N' Sour after rap group, Salt-n-Pepa. Despite this she didn't plan on becoming a musician. She wanted to become a roller-skating waitress like the ones in American Grafitti. When she was twelve she enrolled in the Sylvia Young Theatre School but was kicked out at the age of fourteen for piercing her nose and her attitude. Winehouse recieved her first guitar at the age of thirteen and by the age of sixteen was singing professionally.

Blake Fielder-Civil and Amy Winehouse have had an intense on-again-off-again relationship which culminated in marriage on May 18, 2007. When the two were separated Winehouse wrong a series of heartbroken songs for her album, Back to Black. This album sealed her fame in the United Kingdom and made her known in the United States.

Winehouse's debut album, Frank, was released in 2003 and was nominated for the Mercury Prize. In 2007 she also won a BRIT Award for Best British Female Artist; she had also been nominated for Best British Album. Back to Black, was announced as one of the twelve albums on the 2007 list of Mercury Prize nominees; she was also nominated for three MTV Video Music Awards in 2007.

Winehouse has bulimia and has struggled with it since she's been a teenager and has also been known to take a series of hard drugs. In October 2006 she told the Daily Mirror that she had had "a little bit of anorexia, a little bit of bulimia. I'm not totally okay now, but I don't think any woman is and most men will agree." In a September 2007 article she was reported to have said she had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but refused to take medication. On August 8, 2007 she was admitted to University College Hospital in London after slipping into a drug-induced coma and the Vancouver Sun reported that she stayed at the Causeway treatment centre in Essex for five days.

There are rumors from tabloids that Winehouse has a past history with self-injury, with a cutting incident at the age of nine that she found painful. She reportedly said, "It's a funny thing, a morbid curiosity. I'm talking about when I was nine. What does that feel like? 'Ow, that fucking hurts.' It's probably the worst thing I've done," In Spin.com video Winehouse scrached her exposed midriff with a shard of broken mirror when posing for photographer Terry Richardson. In the same video her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, asked her, "What did you think about the broken glass?" Winehouse replied, "I wrote 'I love Blake' on my tummy." She lifted her shirt but the cuts were not visible on the video and said, "It's just chicken scratch," while she and Fielder-Civil laughed. Spin.com has reported that Winehouse and Fielder-Civil "have matching crisscross scars and scratches up and down their left arms," though it also said the marks are "presumably from a misbehaving house cat."

On August 23, 2007 Winehouse was seen stumbling the streets with her husband; she was bloody and bruised. It was reported she told blogger, Perez Hilton, "I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn't good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life." Her parents-in-law said, after the incident, to boycott her music and stop giving her awards.

All of her tour dates have been postponed until 2008.

Elizabeth Wurtzel


Picture of Elizabeth WurtzelElizabeth Wurtzel, author of "Prozac Nation" and "Bitch," was born on July 31, 1967, in the middle of the Summer of Love. Her parents divorced before she turned two, and her father would sleep through all her visits. Her mother was over-protective and usually unemployed. She describes herself as being a "golden girl" until she turned eleven, a time when she first broke down.

"When I was ten or eleven, I really cracked up, started hiding in the locker room at school, crying for hours, or walking around the corridors saying, Everything is plastic, we're all gonna die anyway, so why does anything matter? I'd read this phrase in a picture of some graffiti in a magazine article about punk rock, which I decided was definitely a great invention. When I stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped going to school, and started spending my time cutting my legs up with razor blades while listening to dumb rock music like Foreigner on a little Panasonic tape recorder, my parents agreed I needed psychiatric help. To make a very long and complicated story short, my mom found a therapist for me, my dad didn't like him and kept trying to sneak me off to others, I never got terribly effective treatment, my father refused to file an insurance claim for the psychiatrist I was seeing, and the whole scenario concluded with me as messed up as ever, but with all the adults involved suing one another. My mom sued my dad for unpaid alimony and child support, my psychiatrist sued my dad for unpaid bills, and after years of lawyers everywhere, my father finally fled to Florida when I was fourteen years old and did not turn up in my life again until my freshman year at Harvard."

Elizabeth was clinically depressed. During her college years she had a series of breakdowns and drug abuse. Finally, she attempted to kill herself in her psychiatrist's bathroom and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. She began taking Prozac, one of the first individuals to take Prozac. She told how it helped her, "Something just kind of changed in me...I became all right, safe in my own skin...One morning I woke up, and I really did want to live...The black wave, for the most part, is gone. On a good day, I don't even think about it any more."

Elizabeth wrote a memoir of her struggles with depression, "Prozac Nation," and a book that describes the history of manipulative female behavior, "Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women." She has written articles and for various newspapers and magazines. In 2000 she revealed that she had become addicted to Ritalin and cocaine during the years after "Prozac Nation," but had checked herself into a clinic where she became clean. In a Daily Telegraph article she said that she is no longer depressed but still has some anxieties.

Elizabeth Wurtzel described her cutting in much better words than I would be able to do:

"I guess the cutting began when I started to spend my lunch period hiding in the girls' locker room, scared to death of everybody around me. I would bring my functional black and silver Panasonic, meant for voice recording and not music, and I would listen intently to the scratchy sounds of the tapes I'd accumulated, mostly popular hard rock like Foreigner, which, trashy as it was, sounded like liberation to me. I'd sit there with my tape recorder, eating cottage cheese and pineapples from a stout thermos I brought from home (I was, by this time, also certain that I was fat), and it was a peaceful relief from having to deal with other people, whether they were teachers or friends. Every so often, I would sit in the locker room on the floor, leaning against the concrete wall while my tape recorder sat on the bench, and I would fantasize about going back to the person I had always been. The reverse transformation couldn't be that much of a leap. I could just try talking to people again. I could get the astonished look off my face, as if my eyes had just been exposed to a terrible glare. I could laugh a bit. I would imagine myself doing the things I once did, like playing tennis. Every so often I would make a decision, first thing in the morning as I headed out the door for the school bus, that I was going to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed that day; I would be friendly, I would smile, I would raise my hand in math class from time to time. I remember those days, because I could see how my friends got this look of relief on their faces. I would walk toward them, standing in a huddle in the blue-carpeted hall outside of the classroom, and they would half expect me to say something like 'Everything's plastic, we're all gonna die' and instead I would just say, Good Morning, And suddenly, their bodies would relax, their shoulders would drop comfortably, and sometimes they would even say, Oh wow, you're the old Lizzy again, kind of like a parent who has finally accepted that his oldest son has become a Shiite Muslim and is moving to Iran when, suddenly, the kid returns home and announces that he wants to go to law school after all. My friends, and my mother for that matter, would be relieved to find that I was more the me they wanted me to be. The trouble was, I thought this alternative persona I had adopted was just that: a put-on, a way of getting attention, a way of being different. And maybe when I first started walking around talking about plastic and death, maybe then it was an experiment. But after a while, the alternative me really just was me. Those days that I tried to be the little girl I was supposed to be drained me. I went home at night and cried for hours because so many people in my life expecting me to be a certain way was too much pressure, as if I'd been held against a wall and interrogated for hours, asked questions I couldn't quite answer any longer. I remember being in a panic one day at school when I realized that I could not even fake being the old Lizzy anymore. I had, indeed, metamorphosed into this nihilistic, unhappy girl. Just like Gregor Samsa waking up to find he'd become a six foot long roach, only in my case, I had invented the monster and now it was overtaking me. This was what I'd come to. This was what I'd be for the rest of my life. Things were bad now and would get worse later. They would. I had not heard the word depression yet, and would not for some time after that, but I felt something very wrong going on. I felt that I was wrong - my hair was wrong, my face was wrong, my personality was wrong - my God, my choice of flavors at the Haagan Dazs shop after school was wrong! How could I walk around with such pasty white skin, such dark, doleful eyes, such straight anemic hair, such round hips and such a small clinched waist? How could I let anybody see me this way? How could I expose other people to my person, to this bane to the world? I was one big mistake. And so, sitting in the locker room, petrified that I was doomed to spend my life hiding from people this way, I took my keys out of my knapsack. On the chain was a sharp nail clipper, which had a nail file attached to it. I rolled down my knee socks (we were required to wear skirts to school) and looked at my bare white legs. I hadn't really started shaving yet, only from time to time because my mother considered me too young, and I looked at the delicate peach fuzz, still soft and untainted. A perfect, clean canvas. So I took the nail file, found its sharp edge, and ran it across my lower leg, watching a red line of blood appear across my skin. I was surprised at how straight the line was and at how easy it was for me to hurt myself in this way. It was almost fun. I was always the sort to pick scabs and peel sunburned skin in sheets off my shoulders, always pestering my body. This was just the next step. And how much more satisfying it was to muck up my own body than relying on mosquitoes and walks in the country among thorny bushes to do it for me. I made a few more scratches, alternating between legs, this time moving the file more quickly, less cautiously. I did not, you see, want to kill myself. Not at that time, anyway. But I wanted to know that if need be, if the desperation got so terribly bad, I could inflict harm on my body. And I could. Knowing this gave me a sense of peace and power, so I started cutting up my legs all the time. Hiding the scars from my mother became a sport of its own. I collected razor blades, I bought a Swiss Army knife, I became fascinated with different kinds of sharp edges and the different cutting sensations they produced. I tried out different shapes - squares, triangles, pentagons, even an awkwardly carved heart, with a stab wound at its center, wanting to see if it hurt the way a real broken heart could hurt. I was amazed and pleased to find that it
didn't."

Note


Note: I researched and wrote these biographies. If you are so inclined to take them and use them on your own site (I encourage you to be creative but if you have to) then give credit to Gabrielle and a link back to http://self-injury.net/. Thank you.

Do you know of any other famous self-injurers? If so, please contact me through the form or famous@self-injury.net.

Credits


Works Cited




Comments

Trying to stop

I also self harm, burn, cut and graze myself. I've done this since I was in primary school and I'm now 37. Just been within the last 12 months that people close to me have found out I had always been able to hide it before or have a logical explanation for the injuries. I have just spent 3 months in a Mental Health Institution and still have not been able to break the habit. I self harm to try and erase memories of my childhood and to help me cope when things trigger me back to the past. I really want to stop this. I'm sick of lying to my son about my scars. Thank you for posting this information it does help me feel not so alone in the way I cope with things. I continue with the daily battle of resisting self harm and hopefully soon it will be a thing of the past.

Pain ...i cant get enough!

Im 15 yrs old i started cutting at 13 or 14 cant remember... in the school bathrooms>.>
I cant find any excuse to what im doing since my family is ok school is going just fine i have friends (great ones btw) and you could say my life is pretty nice..so why the hell do i cut?? maybe im just crazy...thats what i tell myself all the time.. i also break my bones, burn ,prick and pinch my skin, make bruises, once i tried to jump out of my window just to feel the glass cutting on my skin but i didnt do i in the end.
Also my friends at school know about it but they dont really care or maybe they dont know how to help.. i had a friend who SI herself too so we used to go to the school bathrooms and cut cut and cut al lot ha damn its so crazy... also my boyfriend discovered it when i had a lot of bandages around my arms since i had an 'episode' (when i cut myself more than 50 times in a row) haha so you can imagine the look of my arms at that time >.> ...but guess what he said?? he just said:- youre an EMO -and then he just turned around and left..but we kept dating (later we broke up).
So ..many people arund me know about it and they do nothing! its not that i want attention i want help! im fucking dying having suicide thoughts ect and this is my way of coping with it..a silent cry for help..yet NOBODY gives a damn..
When i told my best friend (who had anorexia) she was the one who understood me the most ..the day i told her we were chatting about her problems and i told her about it ,she was a bit hurt since i dint told her earlier, but ater we talked about if face to face and i showed her my scars and stuff i bet she thinks i a real emo now but she supports me just as i support her xD
Im labeled by all ppl an emo since i have sideswept bangs, wear emo stuf,f and i cut myself who knows maybe im really an emo?? haha
Well anyway im just crazy but i have been 'sober' from my drug about a month or so ..before i was 'sober' almost 6 months but i had an urge i couldnt resist..i get urges when i even think about it!after i cut myself i felt such a guilt that i decided id stop definitively! even so i think maybe im a masochist since i like pain so much, i feel so empty, yet i have no reason to be sad o depressed ... i feel just like this song:

Pain -three days grace-

"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all!

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand

This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"

k' ill just end it here ..this is getting long! haha well im doing my best to stop not because i want..just because of the scars since i dont want my family to find out since id be damned it they found out >.>
I wish you people the courage and will to stop this, cuz even if we know its wrong this is our drug our hold to life, but we have to stop it!
the best luck to all of you hope toy overcome it n__n
bye
if someone wants to talkmy msn is
susa_mayo@hotmail.com
say you re from SI.net

~hugz & love~
~lemon~

Dear Lemon

I came across this website looking for Fiona Apple lyrics and read your post. There are some definite red flags here! First, PLEASE do not feel compelled to find an "excuse" for your emotions. Sometimes there is no single "trigger" for self-destructive behavior, but rather a complex interaction between many different factors. I like to believe in free will. But I also think our feelings are affected by processes in the brain that are often beyond our control. Negative feelings can become habits! I was 19 when I developed severe depression, and my friends thought I was emo, or overreacting. From the outside I appeared to be "normal": supportive family, college sophomore on athletic scholarship, etc. But something inside my head kept telling me I was worthless, terrible, no good. I felt guilty for indulging these thoughts because I too had "no excuse." But after spending a week in a towel in my dorm room (I couldn't stand to be around people, in class or social settings), I realized I needed to speak to somebody outside my circle of family/friends--somebody who could be objective. And my counselor reassured me that depression wasn't my fault, and I had been smart to seek help.

I'm sorry this turned out to be a long post about...me. But please, DO NOT feel guilty. It's really important that you're recognizing self-destructive tendencies in yourself now, rather than having a big crisis down the road (when you're perhaps in college, or living on your own). You can manage this, but it will be difficult. It's a learning curve. You might have to speak with a counselor (school counselors are sworn to confidentiality!), or create a "game plan" for yourself to end what a habit you've rightly called an addiction. Also, rent the movie "Secretary" with Maggie Gyllenhaal--it treats the issue of self-harm with lots of humor and compassion. Just remember that you yourself are worthy of good health and happiness, even when voices of doubt crowd your head.

-ML

Emo?

i know what you mean about no body caring or nobody considering helping you. it just means that they dont know how to deal with it or they dont think its a big deal. i have to let you know as a self-injurer for 7 years, its something you need to stop as early as you can. it only gets harder the longer you do it. dont stop for other people, stop because YOU want to. i suggest going to see a therapist or counsellor, i know the idea can be a little scary but they really do help you figure out things your never thought were an issue before. try your best to get away from the things that trigger you to cut. i also suggest telling someone thats older than you because you will most certainly get a reaction out of them. which over parent you feel closest too would be the best person to tell. make sure that you tell them that when you cut yourself you're not trying to kill yourself (thats the hardest part for people to understand) you obviously want the help so you're going to have to take the step and find it. your friends wont be able to do anything for you. they may be there to tell you that they think its a bad idea but thats never going to be enough to make you want to stop. please try your best to stop before it gets worse and more addictive.

ps. Emo is not a lifestyle. its actually a kind of music so you can't BE "emo"

xoox
best of luck

jordanprincessai's picture

And it isn't short for

And it isn't short for "emotional" - it's emotive.  I'm not emo myself, but it pisses me off that the subculture has become one big bastardized stereotype.

~gracefully insane~

I used to self harm as well

The scientific explanation of cutting is that it releases endorphins to the brain causing a feeling of numbness to stimuli (the reason we don't usually feel pain in times of extreme trauma) because of a self loathing, or insecurity *perhaps by means of punishment*. The fatal flaw is that the numbness does not last for an extended ammount of time, this is why we tend to cut, burn, scratch, etc.; obsessively and become addicted. I believe the alternative to these addictions are simple. After seeing professional help such as a psychologist and a psychiatrist you can acquire an alternative to self mutilation such as an antidepressant, or a mood stabilizer. Many people oppose professional treatment because it's a dependency on medication, or makes them feel constantly numb, Allow me to illucidate an analogy: "Dependency, Numbness; Are these things not exactly the same things you experience with cutting? In addition it's a great deal safer."

i do it too.

I cut myself when I'm angry. It calms me down, and instead of focusing on what's upsetting me, I just think about not pushing too hard. Music used to work for that. I used to play the flute and concentrate on the notes until I calmed down, but since I've started school again, it's just become another reason to do it.. reading Johnny Depp's little biography thing made me feel a bit better though.. I dunno why.

I don't do it for attention. I don't even like talking about it. A friend asked if I did it like two weeks after I met her, (we had gotten pretty close, so I wasn't offended) and when I said no, she made me show her my arms. I just blew it off and told her I had to go, but not before she told me that she used to hurt herself too, and that if i wasn't going to stop then I should be careful. She saw the scars eventually.. -_-; I just don't want my roommate to see them.. ugh, I hate that I do it, I know I'm ruining myself..

Cutting at 49 years old

I started cutting when I was 9. I never felt loved or good enough, so it was my way of punishing myself for who I felt I wasn't. For years, I stopped doing it. Now, here I am at 49 years old, and back doing the same thing. It's the same feeling of not being good enough or being loved, that brings me to the point of wanting to punish myself. It's also a matter of feeling like I have no control over my life. It's like going back 40 years, and feeling the very same way I did when I was young. I have joined a faith-based recovery group in my very small community. And, although most of the people that go there are addicts or alcoholics, once I told them my reason for being there, there were others who felt comfortable enough to admit that they were cutters too. An addiction is an addiction, and cutting is no exception. It a matter of coping. Every day is a struggle. Every time I shave my legs, that razor is there to tempt me. It never goes away. I'm just working on finding a different way to deal with it, and to find a way to accept myself, and love who I am, and not let other's allow me to feel like a failure. Everyone needs someone to talk to, who understands what cutting is all about, since a lot of people have the idea that it is done just for attention (not true!). My goal, is to be able to bring this out in the open so it is not an addiction that is kept secret, and to be able to help others.

I can relate

After reading your post, I thought, "Wow, someone very similar to me!" I, too, am also almost 49 years old and still cutting. I started when I was 14 years old as a way of coping with depression and feelings of not being wanted or loved. I grew up in the home of an alcoholic father and enabling mother. I stopped cutting for years, replacing it with many other unhealthy things. Then about 3 years ago a situation with a friend made me start again. It was like it was lying dormant inside just waiting for the day when I needed it again. I have also joined a faith recovery group at a local church. It is a group for anybody with hurts, hang-ups, habits, (which includes all of us!). It listed addictions, so I went knowing that I might not fit in since I am a "cutter". I was just really desperate for support from others who understand and won't judge me for what I do. Each day is a struggle for sure, but I'm glad I reached out for help and someday I hope to help others too. Thank you for sharing!

always

i have been cutting for as long as i remember. my mother used to say, "it's your body, and nobody can tell you what to do with it". i couldn't beleve it when my parents found out and locked me in mental institutions for 6 years. after a while, cutting was all i could rely on. i never felt good enough. i hate who i am, how i look, and how i feel, and feel others see it. im now 24 and still feel not good enough. my fiencee thinks it is childish, and maybe it is. in AA they say you are only as old as you were when you took your first drink. i have tried going to other addiction meetings, but it hasn't helped. it's just always there, tempting.....sometimes too tempting. the only thing i have found that has helped is meditation, but nothing is as satisfying. not in the least. it's like visting an old friend that loves you for who you are, and will always be there.........always

Totally understand

I am 23 years old and have been cutting for over 11 years.. I totally understand the feeling of being an adult in your mid 20's and feeling like you're doing something so stupid, yet you can't control it. You need to sit down and have a long talk with your fiance about self injury and why people do it. There is tons of literature out there for family members to read so they can understand it better.

http://self-injury.net/information-recovery/family-and-friends <--- Is a great site for family and friends to read. It's sooo hard for outsiders to understand why we do what we do. Keep fighting and finding support from other self injurers who understand.. but be careful.. a lot of people will just encourage you further instead of trying to help you stop.

If you'd like to talk, post your email address. Make sure to do it separated out though, or else spammers will get ahold of it.. for example, write your email like.. emailaddress at yahoo.

I really wish you the best, know that you're not alone.

totally understand talk

I'm simmilar to you Im 22 and have harmed for 9 years only last week i spent the day in hospital where i realised i wasnt mental but i had lost my way I was cutting and trying 2 kill myself. It was too much and my messed up head tore my relationship with my boyfriend appart which was then the final straw.
Ive opend up to more people than ever this week but now im back at university and scared that despite how determined I am i might fail. the next time something bad happens will i cut again. Its easy when u feel ok but what happens when you are down again. However i realise its not just hurting myself but others around me.
Id like some ideas on what to do when i want to cut so hopefully one day the urge isnt there anymore.
lizzy 113 at hotmail.co.uk

Hair Pulling

Reading about Colin Ferrell really helps me to know if he can get through it i can do. Some ppl think tht hair pulling is some dumb bad habit like biting nails but its much harder to stop than u can imagine. I started pulling my hair in the 6th grade. I'm sure it was from the stress of something traumatic bt i cannot remember what happened. For 6 yrs i had no eyelashes, thin sparse eyebrows and a bald patch at the top of my head. I have on very reasently ( 4 mnths ago) managed to stop pullin lashes long enough for them to grow back, mostly. it took me 6 1/2 yrs bt i did it and it was EXTREMELY hard. The humilation and laughter made me depressed and i still battle with tht. I kno my fight with hair pulling is not over bt when i look in the mirror and see the first eyelashes ive had in 6 yrs i kno i can never go backwards. To evry1 battling with SI dont give up. One day things will be better. XOXOXO

And what's MY excuse?

I'm 44 years old, by far the oldest poster so far, yet here I am with the same problem. SI is not something I've done all my life either, I started 3 or 4 years ago. I'd gone through some really horrible things and the pain got to be so much I thought I would kill myself.....but I merely cut myself instead and almost instantly felt better. I have done this a few times since when my coping skills have failed me. I thought I was absolutely insane until I found stories of other people on the internet. I usually use a razor blade to cut, and I sterilize it beforehand, and I sterilize my cuts afterwards. For me its more like a surgical procedure than an act of drama. I have always confined my cuts to the tops of my legs where I can hide them, and the cuts are just enough to accomplish what I need to do...which is to kill my psychic pain. I don't do this all the time, but if I reach a point of overwhelming psychic pain, I know I will do it again. I think most everyone here knows exactly the kind of emotional pain I am talking about, too, no matter what your age. Our circumstances might be different, but the pain is the same. I would like to thank the author of this website for taking the time to create something like this, so people like me can find out there are others out there just like me. We're not alone.

Ok

Well, at least it's good to know I'm not the only adult with this problem. I cut in the same spots too. Man, I thought I was going crazy. It's good to have a place to talk about it.

Megan Fox

Megan fox did it too, look it up.

Gabrielle's picture

Thanks. I've been planning on

Thanks. I've been planning on writing something on her and Vincent Van Gogh (historical self-injury!) but have been lazy. I also recall somebody else sent me information on somebody else but then my computer had to be reformatted and I'm not sure I still have it. :(

i do it too

I was depressed from seeing the constant fighting between my parents vs sister, parents vs grandparents, and my sister verbally abusing me. She used to come home with the cops all the time, and being a straight A student it really took a toll on me. My parents were all over her so much, they forgot to take care of me and my brother.

I never had a close relationship with anyone in my family, and now that i was in a new school and all my friends were moving on, i was lonelier then ever.

I knew some kids cut to feel better, but i didnt quite understand. I tried it for the first time and did it again every few weeks afterwards.

Then i did it more often, and bled alot more. It felt great, the colour was beautiful, and i got to feel the rush of being alive. It was almost perfect.

Eventually my parents found out and i spent 8 hours in the emergency physciatric ward at the hospital. I was diagnosed with depression and they tried to get me help for a few weeks. But i quit my social worker, and they didnt do anything to stop me.

I started doing weed and cutting more and more often, until one summer i did it everyday . My body was covered in cuts welts and bruises. My mom got used to this, and she gave up on me soon enough.

I knew i wanted help, and knew the second my parents wanted to get me it id agree. But they didnt.

I understand now they really didnt care what happened to me, they were so tired of dealing with problems from my sister. They just wanted to be able to say they tried, but didnt care if they succeeded in helping me.

Meanwhile things got worse and worse. More weed, more blood. But nobody cared where i was going, so i continued going that way. Soon enough i tried meth. The trips started scaring me, i didnt like not having control of my body, but i couldnt get out of it because all my friends smoked and half of them dealed. So i just kept cutting, because then i did have control of my body, my feelings, my blood.

And id like to tell you a happy endng, but this is where i am now. Still smoking, still cutting. I dont know if ill ever quit either, but i want too. I guess if noones here to help me, im going to have to help myself. I wont be able to do it on my own, but im going to give it a try.

self harm

I know your hurting but cutting yourself isnt the way. You could try take up a sport or somthing to help you cope and if you dont like sports why not crafts or something because i had a friend who cut and it runed her life and she had to keep going into hospital and she still sees a counseler so please dont rune your life like she did

Twelve is the worst age to be for me...

I am 12. I am a cutter. I guess it just happened to be my way of expressing myself. I have a heart on my right thigh and just... Slits on my arms. I am teased nearly everyday for this. But I guess I have to see the light side of things now. I have two friends, my dad verbally abuses me, and I am in the first steps of becoming anorexic. I am afraid. The escape from the hell I must call life is through a shard of glass… and music. I know we all have a second escape. It's there. If a twelveyearold can find it, so can you. Find help please. I'm not saying that in a mean way like people say it to me. I'm saying it in a kind way, a friendly, pleading way. If you need to, move in with a straightedge friend. If they really love you, they will help you. Trust me. Please.

If you want a good story, go to www.twloha.com

--~--
Meagan

look me up on Twitter. @meggieggi.

#stopcuttingstartliving

not alone

wow i just turned 13 and i cut too. i feel bad for saying this but it's good to know im not alone. i get teased all the time at school and my dad has anger issues, my sister is bipolar, and my cousin molested me last year. i just wanted to say thanks for writing that.
and btw if you want to make your scares smaller use Maderma, its a medidcine that treats scares, i use it and mine are way smaller.
<3

I started cutting when I was

I started cutting when I was twelve too. I'm now 20 and still gazing and the open wounds on my arm.
Please PLEASE be careful. I've ruined my skin forever and it helps to talk about it

I started when I was 12 as

I started when I was 12 as well, and I'm 18 now. It's been off and on, right now on. One thing to everyone reading this: Be careful!

I, too, starting cutting when

I, too, starting cutting when I was twelve. God it feels like the worst age. I am 17 now, and still SI on occasion

Sweetie If you ever need to talk...

Twitter me.. I'm @LoluhhKitteh I've followed you on there...
I know what you're going through..
Message me x

Know How You Feel.

hay, im leah 16 years old and the cutting hasnt stopped for me. i was raped when i was 8...multiple times and no one could help me, and now i look back and wonder why i let him do it...i guess cuz i was really little...i didnt understand what he was really doing and it messed me up alot because i didnt know it was wrong when i went to skool, it made me seee things differently than other children. my parents are alcholics and my mom and dad both beat me. and my little brother (whos bigger in size and stronger) beats me up also, he doesnt mind if i tell him he made me bleed or if i cry because he almost broke a bone. and you know what? i cant stop. i cut. and i bleed. and i cut. and i bleed more. and no one around me knows exatly how i feel because there is no one around me exatly like me. but being teased and laughed at is not a new thing to me. maybe ill make a twitter nd add you =]

Never Your Fault

Sweetheart, you didn't let "him" do anything. You were a child. The moment the monster touched you, he took your choice away. Don't ever Ever EVER blame yourself. God loves you. He loves you so very very much that our brains can't even comprehend. Leah, I was raped when I was 9- nobody knows about it. My parents are clueless and my friends have no idea. It happened 15 years ago and I just started to deal with it 18 months ago. You go and pray everyday for strength. You cannot help the circumstances of what happened to you but you CAN help your reaction. I have been cutting too...for two years now. I need to stop and so do you but I know it is hard. I am praying for you. Please know you're not alone and that this isn't your fault.

LEAH,

you need to find someone that you trust and get the hell out of that house. i had to slip out in the middle of the night when i was 17 and go to the police station. please do this before you end up seriously hurt or worse.
xoxoxkristie

hey....

I'm 22 years old and I started cutting when I was thirteen. Back then, I thought that I would ALWAYS be that way. Now, I am healthy and although I still consider myself a cutter, it is so much better than it used to be. When you are a teenager, kids in school can be really mean and the way people treat you can really get to you. When you get older, you realize that those people don't matter. The way I see it is that it's good to be DIFFERENT. I don't want to fit in with the crowd. As far as things with your dad go...They arent always going to be that way. You just have to be strong for yourself until you get older and you can escape from it. Keep your head up. Break away from the self injury behaviors now. In the years to come, you arent going to want to look down and see scars all over your body. Your body is special. Stay strong. If you want you can email me at Tibby1016@aol.com

Tiffany

Boys make me suicidal.

When I first started it was back in 8th grade over a boy, of course. The cutting and burning just agreeded with me ever since. When I was younger it was mostly just craving words/designs into my things and flirting with it on my wrist. Which is still is but it just has become more serious and just more of it.
My mom eventually found out and flipped. She took me to house to deal with this and was getting me into therapy (I went before when I was even younger, like 8 for anger) and group therapy with other teens to get our emotions under controal. This didn't help at all I felt worse leaving then coming in. And after a few good months of this I begged my mom to never take me back and she said yes. And this was all maybe 2-3 years ago.
I never stopped even though my mom thought I did, I just got better at hiding it I guess. Which is odd because not unless my cuts are fresh I don't hide them, I dont care. If I have to deal with this for the rest of my life then I think you can stand looking at them. And its not that Im proud of them (not at all really) but this is what I do and if you don't like that its more than fine but ohwell its there. When people ask I give ridiculous answers EX:sharks bites, arm got caught in a rose bush, "what are you taking about scars, Pssshhhhh I see nothing" because its noones business but my own and thats the way I want this to always stay.
But once again Im back going to therapy because I had an "accident" where I cut too deep and they had to put me back together. As if it wasn't bad enough them parading my hysterical, shaking self in that embarrassing green sheet they give you to wear but I was told I had no choice but to go back to therapy. And thats where I am now. I have a veryvery nice lady but she wants too much, me to call her everyday, stop cutting - cold turkey, talk to myself and worst of all give her my journals and this was all told to me in our first talking.
I feel the worst because I see my mom (my mom has been there during all of this mostly good but you know shes still a mom, ha.) cry and I can't help it, I don't want help!! I don't want to tell people whats going on I can't I feel disgusting and exposed and all that makes me want to do is hurt more. I feel horrible for people that want the help and Im just here being spoiled with it but not accepting it. Im sorry.
I felt because I read every other post it wasn't fair if I said nothing.
P.S- I love Amy Winehouse she means soo much to me.

www.experienceproject.com

I read all of your stories and I find it kind of weird that even though I've been through a lot (mother w/schizophrenia comitted suicide, sister got sexually abused by dad's best friend, and I've been abused too in many ways mostly psych.) that I kept myself from cutting I tried once or twice but it just wasn't my thing and I sort of feel bad because all of you have to go through this and I get to be like this, I feel like I want to do something to myself , as if it's not fair, it's so weird (but I won't)

I would like to recommend the site
www.experienceproject.com
I'm a member there and you can find litterally thousands of people to talk to and there are so many topics involving self-injury like cutting or burning and things like that and there are so many people that understand you and have love for you even though they barely know you they want to help you and talk to you it is the most amazing thing I've ever gotten to know I am very thankful for that because even though I don't hurt myself on the outside there are a lot of things wrong with me , too.

But I hope it helps at least some of you and you can get a lot of advice on how you can help yourself and how you can deal with who you are

I suggest you try it :)

much love from V

All Because Of A Dare..

I started cutting in middle school. When I was about 12 or 13 years old. Me and a friend were talking about people we knew who cut themselves. And she says, "I bet you won't do it. I dare you cut yourself, Madi!"
And I did. With my dad's shaving razor.
It hurt at first, but then I cut again, and again, and again. And it started to feel like relief.
I was bullied alot in middle school and elementary school. And it hurt me alot when people said I was their friend and then the next day they bullied me, hit me, teased me, and called me names.
I hated myself. I never thought of myself as pretty, or skinny, or cool.
I was plain, average and mediocre.
From that point, and from then on, I cut. I cut alot. One day I was crying and cutting myself because I was so doped up on pills and vodka my mom walks in and there's blood all over the hallway.
"What is this? Let me see you arm!" my mom yelled at me. She was a cutter in her day too.
I freaked, and showed her. And she cleaned up my blood. and threw my razors away. I was then put into counselling and that didn't help either.
I fucked up. I got caught.
Eventually over time, my mom gave up on trying to help me. She threatened me, cried, got me help, talked to me, yelled at me, brought my family&friends into it (when like, half of my friends were cutting themselves at the time!) and nothing worked.
I think getting over this addiction is something you have to do for yourself, people can't really understand your deepest thoughts. Maybe relate, but not understand your own deep thoughts.
I am now 16, and in high school, and I still cut. I like it. It calms me down. I like the taste of the blood and the scars it leaves.
I'm disgnosed bipolar, ADD, and anxiety. Non-medicated.
And I've lost all hope to make myself happy. So fuck it.

I'm in the same situation

My parents divorced when i was 8... I never knew the reason why.
Till this year. My mom showed me E-mails where my dad had been talking to people. (girls and guys) My brother and I drove back to my dads house that night so upset. We almost crashed, because my brother could barely see through his tears. I wanted nothing more than to go back into the past and make my family stay together, but I know that's impossible. That's the part that kills me. I started cutting when i saw my friend Hunter in class slash all the way around her wrist. It looked like it hurt but she looked at me...hid her wrist and then smiled , with tears flowing down her cheeks. I said, "Hunter, I don't understand why you do that." she said,"It makes you feel, it helps you forget all the shit in the world." Later that night I came home and grabbed a safety pin. I made marks on my wrist and then cover then up with a hello kitty wrist band. My family didn't find out till dinner one night I had forgotten to put my wrist band back on after my shower. My step mom got up threw a knife down and said, "DO YOU WANNA CUT YOURSELF? HUH? COME ON! CUT!" I just cried. I had a panic attack in my room crying and screaming. She later came in my room and took me to the hospital. I got a psyciatric evalutation and was sent to a facility in Lychburg. I stayed there for 4 days. I was diagnosed with nothing but severe depression. I'm taking prozac now...and my life still fucking sucks. I hate the world...and the only reason is because people are assholes, fate is a bitch, and I hope every by God dies.

Emotionless

I can't remember how old I were when my parents divorced, but I can clearly remember it. I remember my dad and my mom frequently shouting at each other, and since my older sister propably was too afraid to interfere (we were both quite young) and my younger sister and brother were both just babies, I did my best to stop them from fighting. I tried my very hardest not to cry or get sad when the shouting got really out of hand or my efforts failed, but I kept trying. One day they both simply told me and my sister to come and talk in their bedroom, where they said they were going to divorce. My sister immedietly started crying, but I hardly had to make an effort not to cry because my face simply remained expressionless. I think there might have been more reasons, but the following years I gradually lost almost all of my facial expressions along with my childhood-friends. Maybe I was becoming dull to hang out with, but I still really wanted to stay friends, however I didn't make an effort at all.
I find it nearly impossible to express anger, sadness or even genuine happiness, so I have felt all these intense emotions building up ever since my parents divorced. I'm 18 now and it wasn't untill recently that I read a short novell about cutting and self-injury as a way to release pain and emotions and express yourself, and so I started cutting. It felt good. And I mean reaaally good. I feel relaxed and for a moment I don't feel my usual stress and anger at all.
My biggest concern however is if I were to be found out. My two younger siblings really look up to me, being a straight A student and taking care of them when we're alone and all, and I would hate to see how they would react if thay saw the scars on my wrist. Even though I realize I might be hurting the people around me I have no plans to stop cutting.

it doesn't magically disappear with age

i started cutting as a teen, like most people. i am now 38. i am bi polar and suffering from PTSD. because of the PTSD, i have found myself cutting again, which is something i have not done for 15 years. like an old song i love to replay over and over, the cutting and scratching seem to comfort me like nothing else can or ever will. i just got released from a 10 day stay in a private mental hospital because of the cutting, and i see my therepist weekly. i am hanging on by a thread. i crave the cut.

i am tired of the way cutting is linked only to teens. it is not something that magically disappears with age. not for me at least. and i am on pleny of great meds and i have to say that talking about it just makes me feel like horse shit, so i will cut or scratch more.

kudos to those of you that can and do stop. cheers to those of you that have only dabbled and grew out of it. that's great. and i really mean that.

the rest of us know the truth, which is simply that if you are truly suffering from this disorder, you'll take it to the grave with you. just like any other mental illness. you can get it under control, just like depression, or bi polar, but you will have to learn how to live with it.

i have suffered for almost 30 years now. i have 3 great kids, great family, etc. i have become very creative with the cover ups and lies. i wish it didn't have to be this way. i wish i could just be me. i am a cutter, and no it's not normal, but it is who i am.

It doesn't magically disappear

I get what you mean... I'm almost 32. Major Depressive Disorder... I'm not saying this is applies to everyone but I am better off when I don't talk. I was going to therapy once and sometimes twice a week. I only started to recover when I quit going to therapy... maybe you're the same way? If I do go I go for a very very specific reason, something that is taxing me right now and once I figure out how i'm going to deal, I get the hell out of there! I hope you find what you need. For me it was learning what I really needed and what I didn't... oh and a really good psychiatrist.

ruined

I'm 35, and I guess that means I've been cutting for...20 years. My scars are so bad that sometimes I think that must be all people see, and that that's all I'll ever be now. Like I'm (physically) ruined, and what's worse, I did it to myself.

On the other hand, I think nobody knows because nobody ever mentions it. How can that be? How can they not know? It's written all over my face, literally.

I'm Emily, I'm 18, and I've

I'm Emily, I'm 18, and I've cut myself for the past 5 years.
I remember the first time I ever cut... I was getting yelled at for something I didn't do and my parents were fighting, so I sat in my room bawling my eyes out and cutting.
After that it was a downward spiral.
For about 3 years straight I cut basically everyday.
I've been hospitalized for cuts and i've had two suicide attempts, one which I ODed and passed out on my bedroom floor, and one where I ODed and my friend happened to call and I was crying and I ended up telling them what I did, so they called my parents and my parents rushed me into the hospital.
I think that it did get better for me, and even when life deals you shit you have to accept it.
I absolutely love Brody Dalle and Jessicka Fodera, btw. They are two of my role models, as is Gerard Way.
I do not believe I ever self injured myself because it's 'cool'. There is nothing 'cool' about cutting yourself, and if you have self injured, it does not make you crazy.

I have hope for people who cut. I first handedly know how hard it is to get 'help'. I would never in my five years say a single word to anyone about any of this. If you're too scared to get help, there's nothing wrong with that. But don't believe that wasting yourself away on self inflictions is a lifestyle anyone wants.

I'm doing way better than I used to be. I cut myself on occassion, and even when I get the urge I can withstand it most of the time.

For me it just took time.

I do it too...

I started cutting my legs 4 years ago and I can't seem to stop. It makes me feel so good to feel something and distract myself, but my legs look horrible and sometimes I just wake up in the night and cut my legs a little bit. I know it is not good, but I hate myself, I hate my legs, I hate my fat, I hate my flesh and I hate all of the cruel people around me. They make me want to die, they treat me like I am just a dust bunny on their floor. Not wanted, completely ugly and not supposed to be there. I just wish I was dead. Anytime I get anything sharp I just poke at my skin till it bleeds, needles, safety pins, wires, metal, knives, razors or anything. I'm starting to think that I should really stop, but I can't. I think I'm addicted, can I stop?

You can stop...

I'm 16 and struggled with cutting. I've got over a 150 scars from it, each one another slice if beautiful relief. Eventually though, I managed to fight it off and while I still get the urge, I can maintain it. I've found for me it helps just to talk to other cutters bout it. If you need someone to talk to bout it then email me, jspease2@yahoo.com. Names Spease btw. Just take it one day at a time...it'll get there if you do that.

i just think it's fun...

im 16 ive been cutting for 3 years ive been caught twice and ive been put in counciling. i can not stop. it's not cause it's relief, i just like to do it. ive got 104 open cuts, some are scabbed over. i have 411 scars. i carved a name into my leg. i just think it's fun... it's not healthy being a cutter... but neither is weighing 109 lbs at my age... i cant stop. i dont want to stop... myboyfriendisavampire.alex@gmail.com ideas?

ive done it too..

You CAN stop. trust me. I usted to do it too. I still have urges to do it. People can be so cruel, I know. I understand. I usually feel like noone cares about me, noone really understands me or gets me, and i feel like theres no purpose for me. But I know for a fact that I can stop. It really is just pointless. It has no need. You can stop, you can stop, you can stop. I used to hate myself too.. I learned to like myself. Just be you, and love yourself. Yourself can be your own enemy, I would know.. So please stop okay? I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but you can do it. Maybe start off with doing it less, ay?

hey hunn same thing happens

hey hunn same thing happens to me. ive been cutting for 4 years now. an i sometimes feel like dying too. but the most important thing for u to do is get ur mind off it. i used to think that that was a stupid idea but just find something that makes u happy and stick with it. ok sweetie? i hope u start feeling a little better :)

I started

two months ago.
the guy i liked liked me, but he had to choose between me and this other guy [ im a girl, he was bi. ] i told him that going out with me would be the wrong choice. so i told to go for the other guy. That night i found my pocket knife and cut my self. It was horrible, i was so angry at how weak i was that i cried and cried. he asked me out a little while later when things with him and the other guy didnt work out. I was SO happy, and he was honestly my saviour. But then he broke up with me, and now we dont even speak. i lost the one person who was the best to me, were not even friends and it breaks my heart. So i started cutting the night when he broke up with me, i've been told thats its not that bad what he did, but my best friend stopped talking to me and became good friends with him after he broke up with me, and on top of that my mother has cancer, and no one tells me anything about how she is.

So tonight was the first night that i hadn't cut myself when i got home from school. I'm prouder and prouder of myself everyday, but i no how hard it will be. i dont hide my arms, and a few of my friends know.

also, what really helped me is there is a girl i know but am not good friends with that i started talking to, she cuts [ her third year now] and it really helps to get advice from some one whos been there, she tells me her tricks to STOP cutting and it really helps.

her advice that has helped me is that now i always wear a rubber band on my wrist, whenever i feel the need i just snap it a a few times. its still self inflicted pain, but i think its better than spilling my blood.

stay stong <3
p.s. im 14

just wondering~

any other handy tricks you would care to share?

the rubber band thing has really helped me. I started a little while ago. ive been suffering from depression for the past three years, and like 3 weeks ago i cut myself. i wasnt really thinking when i did it. i told one of my friends who has cut her self a few times in the past. it helps to talk to her. she told me to stop and i want to. but its really hard.

this may help....

i understand how you feel. i have been there and i know how scared you feel. here is somethings that helped me out i hope it can inspire you to find a way free of this way of thinking. when dealing with self injuerious behaviors u must treat and deal with them as an addicition. try figureing out what cuases you deisre to hurt ur self and where you think it comes from think about what it is that makes the act of harming your self ease ur emotional feelings or the root reasion you resort to cutting your self next become aware that this is a copeing mecxhinisum plain and simple. dont look at it as quiting cutting look at it as relaceing cutting with a more healtie behavior. look at the people around you and see how they cope with there worlds and think about what you could do and what healtie means to you. some things that worked for me is rubber bands that i would wear around my wrists and when i thought about cutting i pop myself over and over till the feeling passed or untill i foucused on something else. holding ice in your hands works to. it hurts but causes no damage and gives you time to think before haveing to act again. i ended up useing music to pull me out of my hell... i started cutting as a reaction to being assulted and raped and the lack of control i feel and to espress my misplaced angery and shame. i started a concert band and begain prforming classical music i learned to play meny differant insterments and after a while no longer thought about cutting. i took a long time and self control but it is possaible and something else to remimber is that it dose no one any good to beat ur self up over relaspes they happin life moves on and things gett better. the act of cutting wass once described to me as grabing an emotion of sadness that is flooting by like a cloud in the sky and pulling it down and holding on to it instead of letting it go by when you chose not to cut you are letting that emotion slide by and effect you for a shorter time instead of holding on and letting it consume you. think about it and ull see it holds truth. and one last thing.... dont let any one presure you in to stoping... the only way this is ganna work is if you ddedicate your self to this. it takes work and can make you feel discouraged but in the long run it is well worth it.... i wish you luck i hope this helps and keep your chin up and never stop fighting u cant do this BE POSITIVE it helps trust me

just wanted to let you know...

i am a 21 year old full time college studented and i have been cutting off and on for around about 8 years. i started as a reaction to being asulted and raped. i know from experance and from studying it that cutting and other acts of self injury are copeing mechinsums. in order to stop is to figure out where it comes from for you and try to understand why its these coping mechnisum u go for? once you have an understanding for that you can find other copeing mechinsums to use instead. my therapist told me once not to think of it as stoping the cutting think of it as finding a new way of dealing with life. no matter what dont let the presures of your frinends and family to stop make u feel overwhelmed or shamefull if you have a relapse... relasps happen cutting and the discontiuneance of cutting have to be treated and handled like an addiction because it is. look at the people in your life and see how they deal with there stress and figure out what you think is "healthie " mine new coping skill became music.... i joined a concert band and begain performinc classical music. i have learned to play 4 differant insturment i get a rush from hearing the music that im am createing and i feel pround to know that i can do that and not think of harming myself. find whats improtant to you and go from there rubber bands are a good start. holding ice in ur hand works well to... it hurts but wont cuase any damage and then you can mess with people useing your cold hands.... i found it to be pretty funnie. hope this helps and good luck and from someone who has been there and is still finding there way just know it will get ezer one day... keep your chin up and never stop fighting to free the happier healthier you

Jody

"Beaty From Pain"

I starting cutting when i was 12. i have been in five different psych wards, in three different states.
when i first started cutting my friends brushed me off, saying "you just want attention" after that i started isolating my self from everyone. it got to the point where i couldnt sleep unless i was cutting. after my first hopsital visit, i came back to school to find that two of my friends had been cutting to. when i found out i was hurt, who were they to say that i was doing it for attention when they started to do it. i asked them to stop that it was addicting. evenutally we started to hang out again, and it was like our own little secret. we would get high, drink, and cut. they eventually stopped and i couldnt, i tryed. i tryed the ice, rubber bands, taking a red pin and marking my arms, i wanted to stop but didnt know how. i moved when i was 15 with my grandparents. still cutting but i got so lonely i started to eat so much that i felt sick. then i started to throw up after i ate. after a few month i found i was struggling with cutting and an eating disorder. i felt lost with no friends. i was then shipped to my mom in another state. where i currently still cut on a daily basis, but i have took control of my eating.

..

i started cutting myself when i was eleven years old but it didnt really get bad until i was about 13
i was suicidal for a while, because of an abusive relationship i was in that got waaay out of hand
i also used to do a lot of destructive drugs
and its taken a while, but im finally starting to enjoy life again
now im 17 years old, and i still cut every once and a while, but its gotten much better.. and i dont do drugs so much anymore..
stay strong, because it usually gets better if you can stick it out :]

Self Injury

To me, it's a relief from emotional pain.
I started last year, and I've had issues with it on and off.
I HAVE to cut at least once a month, or I think about it way too much and I start getting depressed.
When I cut, the depression just fades away, but comes back. And then the cycle continues.
I haven't told anyone in months except for a certain friend who persuaded me to tell her.
I told her, but she didn't seem to care much, and that's why I don't like to tell people. I don't want to feel that sense of disappointment when they don't know what to say or they just don't care.