Soul Speak

I erupt in anger
as fiery streams of fury
flow from my lips
annihilating
everything in their path.

In the aftermath
a backlash
of self-loathing
threatens to spew out
the grounds of my wrath

and a small child
cowers in the corner...

(c) 2001 Susan Maree Jeavons

When you first read this poem, you may think that I have just verbally abused my child. You are almost right, but in this poem, I am the abuser and the abused, taking my pain and anger out on myself. Consequently, my inner child pays the price.

If you harm yourself by cutting, hitting, burning, scratching, or worse, or you abuse drugs or alcohol, you may be a self-injurer. Self-injury is a way to deal with emotional pain, tension, emptiness, depression, and more. Self-injury lets us feel in control of our own bodies. All self-injurers were not abused as children, but many were.

Many survivors experience self-injury in one way or another. Some of us are sexual abuse survivors. Our self-injury stems from the shame and guilt we felt as a result of experiencing both terror and normal sexual pleasure that we had no control over. Self-injury is our subconscious way of retaliating against a traitor body!

In one of my recent private chats for abuse survivors, the focus was on self-injury. Some survivors cut themselves, others abuse drugs, alcohol or food, and still others become their own worst enemies, adept at destructive self-contempt.

We then discussed reasons we thought might trigger this behavior. As children, if the person who betrayed us was a relative, we both loved and hated them. Some of us may have even experienced pleasure during the abuse, even though we were frightened. This normal sexual reaction in an abnormal situation was then associated with guilt and shame. When we experienced this normal sexual pleasure as adults, we began to loathe ourselves and punish ourselves for enjoying it. This may sound odd or sick to someone who has never been sexually abused by someone they love, but it is common among survivors.

Instead of stereotyping us or ignoring us, try to understand by walking a mile in our shoes.
Self-injury is not something survivors are proud of. They usually do not talk about their shameful secret. If you are a self-injurer, get help. Talk about it. You need support to learn to treat yourself with love and kindness.