Articles: Suicidal Ideation and Self-Mutilation
By Kerry Dennis
What I will be doing here is telling secrets. If you are a multiple and you succumb to either or both of these "rituals", you may see yourself in my descriptions, but you may not like it. I call them rituals because that is what they are. A ritual is an activity, or series of actions developed by either an individual or a group of individuals to generate a specific result. The result, in most cases, is to get attention.
It is important to say here, that the need for attention is not something to just be brushed aside as inappropriate behavior or malingering. A need for attention almost always stems from family of origin and/or abuse issues and if rebuffed can lead to either violent or self destructive behavior. When an individual requires attention so desperately as to self mutilate or entertain thoughts of self destruction, that need requires an attentive response.
Now, most of the time, when one is self mutilating or considering destroying themselves, the thoughts that are going through their mind have more to do with "getting the bad out" or "stopping the pain" than they do with getting attention. Still, deep down, it is a cry for help, a plea for assistance.
Suicidal Ideation
Suicidal ideation is the last bastion of personal power for one who has been abused. When one experiences severe abuse, abuse that brings them in touch with the reality of death or the end of self, or self determinism, suicide is the last point at which they can say to themselves, "If I am to die anyway, or have become so damaged that life is no longer worth living, I at least have the power to take my own life." The thought of having such power, over and above the power of their abusers, the power of their pain, gives the individual strength. Sometimes it assists the abused individual in coping with the memories, the flash-backs, the sense of worthlessness that comes from a history of severe abuse.
Nevertheless, it also becomes a tool for control, long after the abuse has past. I remember using suicidal threats as a way of getting people to listen to me, to do as I asked, or to hammer home the need for them to feel sorry for me. I also found that using this tool gave me a "heady" feeling, a high if you will. That is because flirting with death gets the adrenalin flowing. This can become quite addictive, for adrenalin also causes the release of endorphins. These are chemicals produced by the brain that act on the central nervous system creating a sense of intoxication. Most street drugs are designed to mimic or trigger endorphins. This, in turn, generates a physical and psychological dependancy.
Therefore, using suicidal threats, and entertaining suicidal ideations can become addictive and an extremely difficult habit to break. The main problem with this is that this addiction, like most others, can be lethal. To be sure, while one is under the influence of endorphin intoxication, they often feel all powerful, invincible, and thus loose site of the reality of things. In this state one could, quite conceivably, kill themselves without really meaning to do so. Of course, when I was in that position, I worked very hard to convince myself that my death would be of little consequence. I had no idea that in doing such a thing, I would have become an abuser too, the very type of individual I hated so much.
Self-Mutilation
Self mutilation is self abuse. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. When one practices self mutilation, they are continuing the cycle of abuse, and they have become the abuser. Now, one of the reasons that I self-mutilated was first, to get the attention of someone, usually my therapist. Second, it was to "externalize my pain", so that others could see that I was truly hurting. For a long time, I carried my scars as "badges of courage" and as symbols of my pain. I also named some of my scars for individuals who I felt had harmed me or for those who I felt had let me down. Today, I think of them as reminders of my past insanity, and of how far I have come.
Self mutilation is also a form of control, and gives a sense of power to the one who indulges in it. It is also addictive, as it also generates the flow of adrenalin as well as the production of endorphins. Often abused individuals will self mutilate because the flow of endorphins mimics that sensation one feels when they are loved. This, in turn causes one to confuse abuse with love, self abuse with self love.
Many people wonder why an abused individual will constantly be drawn into relationships that are just as abusive as the one from which they left or were rescued from. The main reason is that it has become very difficult for the abused individual to distinguish between abuse and love until it is too late, until major, life threatening abuses occur. Abuse has been a way of life, it has been etched upon the core of their being, and so, often they gravitate to it, unconsciously, for it is familiar.
Self mutilation is born out of the same distortion. It is an attempt to regain the familiar, to "ground" in the only way they know how. Pain, with out a doubt, is a very "grounding" experience. It makes one feel alive, it gives a sense of self. When an abused individual is suffering flashbacks, it assists in bringing them back to the present.
Suicidal ideation and self mutilation are tools, developed by the severely abused to cope with past abuse, flashbacks and emotional pain. Nevertheless, there are healthier tools with which to meet these needs. I found those healthier tools within the 12 step program, and through working the steps. In my opinion, no amount of force or coercion would have stopped me from using those self destructive and self abusive tools until I was ready to find another way. I had to hit bottom. I had to come too close to ending my own life, in the process of using those tools, before I scared myself enough to decide to find another way. It may be different for others. Who knows, maybe one of them, in reading what I have written, may decide to seek a different path. I can only hope.
If you are a multiple, or you know a multiple who has hit bottom and would like to find healthier ways to cope with the pain of past abuse, check out our [L=http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Rhodes/9354/index.html]MDA website[EL]. Here you will find the IRC address of our MPD/DID Anonymous on-line meetings.
It is important to say here, that the need for attention is not something to just be brushed aside as inappropriate behavior or malingering. A need for attention almost always stems from family of origin and/or abuse issues and if rebuffed can lead to either violent or self destructive behavior. When an individual requires attention so desperately as to self mutilate or entertain thoughts of self destruction, that need requires an attentive response.
Now, most of the time, when one is self mutilating or considering destroying themselves, the thoughts that are going through their mind have more to do with "getting the bad out" or "stopping the pain" than they do with getting attention. Still, deep down, it is a cry for help, a plea for assistance.
Suicidal Ideation
Suicidal ideation is the last bastion of personal power for one who has been abused. When one experiences severe abuse, abuse that brings them in touch with the reality of death or the end of self, or self determinism, suicide is the last point at which they can say to themselves, "If I am to die anyway, or have become so damaged that life is no longer worth living, I at least have the power to take my own life." The thought of having such power, over and above the power of their abusers, the power of their pain, gives the individual strength. Sometimes it assists the abused individual in coping with the memories, the flash-backs, the sense of worthlessness that comes from a history of severe abuse.
Nevertheless, it also becomes a tool for control, long after the abuse has past. I remember using suicidal threats as a way of getting people to listen to me, to do as I asked, or to hammer home the need for them to feel sorry for me. I also found that using this tool gave me a "heady" feeling, a high if you will. That is because flirting with death gets the adrenalin flowing. This can become quite addictive, for adrenalin also causes the release of endorphins. These are chemicals produced by the brain that act on the central nervous system creating a sense of intoxication. Most street drugs are designed to mimic or trigger endorphins. This, in turn, generates a physical and psychological dependancy.
Therefore, using suicidal threats, and entertaining suicidal ideations can become addictive and an extremely difficult habit to break. The main problem with this is that this addiction, like most others, can be lethal. To be sure, while one is under the influence of endorphin intoxication, they often feel all powerful, invincible, and thus loose site of the reality of things. In this state one could, quite conceivably, kill themselves without really meaning to do so. Of course, when I was in that position, I worked very hard to convince myself that my death would be of little consequence. I had no idea that in doing such a thing, I would have become an abuser too, the very type of individual I hated so much.
Self-Mutilation
Self mutilation is self abuse. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. When one practices self mutilation, they are continuing the cycle of abuse, and they have become the abuser. Now, one of the reasons that I self-mutilated was first, to get the attention of someone, usually my therapist. Second, it was to "externalize my pain", so that others could see that I was truly hurting. For a long time, I carried my scars as "badges of courage" and as symbols of my pain. I also named some of my scars for individuals who I felt had harmed me or for those who I felt had let me down. Today, I think of them as reminders of my past insanity, and of how far I have come.
Self mutilation is also a form of control, and gives a sense of power to the one who indulges in it. It is also addictive, as it also generates the flow of adrenalin as well as the production of endorphins. Often abused individuals will self mutilate because the flow of endorphins mimics that sensation one feels when they are loved. This, in turn causes one to confuse abuse with love, self abuse with self love.
Many people wonder why an abused individual will constantly be drawn into relationships that are just as abusive as the one from which they left or were rescued from. The main reason is that it has become very difficult for the abused individual to distinguish between abuse and love until it is too late, until major, life threatening abuses occur. Abuse has been a way of life, it has been etched upon the core of their being, and so, often they gravitate to it, unconsciously, for it is familiar.
Self mutilation is born out of the same distortion. It is an attempt to regain the familiar, to "ground" in the only way they know how. Pain, with out a doubt, is a very "grounding" experience. It makes one feel alive, it gives a sense of self. When an abused individual is suffering flashbacks, it assists in bringing them back to the present.
Suicidal ideation and self mutilation are tools, developed by the severely abused to cope with past abuse, flashbacks and emotional pain. Nevertheless, there are healthier tools with which to meet these needs. I found those healthier tools within the 12 step program, and through working the steps. In my opinion, no amount of force or coercion would have stopped me from using those self destructive and self abusive tools until I was ready to find another way. I had to hit bottom. I had to come too close to ending my own life, in the process of using those tools, before I scared myself enough to decide to find another way. It may be different for others. Who knows, maybe one of them, in reading what I have written, may decide to seek a different path. I can only hope.
If you are a multiple, or you know a multiple who has hit bottom and would like to find healthier ways to cope with the pain of past abuse, check out our [L=http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Rhodes/9354/index.html]MDA website[EL]. Here you will find the IRC address of our MPD/DID Anonymous on-line meetings.