I used to rip my arms up pretty bad when things got to be more than I could bare. I stopped for a very long time, years even. I would get the urge but remembering the look I would get from my fiancee was enough to make me not do it. So I found other ways of punishing myself that he wouldn't see. Drinking, smoking, not eating for days, sitting with my back against the wall and smacking my head against it as hard as I could over and over until everything would turn black.

I haven't done any of those things in a few months after entering therapy but now I can feel myself sinking back into that horrible downward spiral. I don't want to see that look on his face ever again but I can't say with complete confidence that the thought of doing those things still don't enter my mind. When I get those disgusted looks it only makes me hate myself even more. I wonder if they realise that.