Before, it's a little like chaos. It's hard to concentrate. I feel really stressed. really stressed.
During, I do it slow, shallow. really feel the pain. watch the blood slip out. it feels like art. do only so much. but be careful. clean everything. keep it clean. concentrate.
After, it wasn't enough, it's never enough. it's not pretty enough, it doesn't feel right. more. I need more. do it right.
Before: I feel dissaociated, of course. I feel Dead. I don't feel like I should, and I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way either. I feel alone, I feel sad, angry, moody, depressed, unhappy, upset, all the negative feelings put into one anxious pouch of emotion. I honestly want to commit the crime of ultimate self-hatred.
During: Still dissaociated. I don't feel the pain. Maybe a slight stinging, not enough to cry about, usually the emotional pain is the overbearing part of it all. I never cry when I abuse though, never. I watch the liquid pain travel down my skin, and it relaxes me, watching it fall. Like it's escaping with me, and it's happy too. It needs me, it wants me, it loves me, it adores me. Everything is perfect in that moment. I don't feel anything at all, I just see beauty. pure beauty. I'm not alone anymore.
After: I'm usually almost fully functional with reality. I clean up my beautiful wounds, and hide my tools. During, it's one of those moments where you don't have to worry about a damn thing, not a single fucking thing, and it's the greatest gift I could ever give to myself.
Before: Before I self-injure, i'm stressed or angry or depressed, and I'm anxious to get a few cuts in and relax. I usually rush to the most private place possible, slide my blade out of the back of my phone, and SI.
During: When I cut, at first it stings, but then it's replaced by another feeling. Have you ever seen someone throw a piece of paper? It's like that. I float and float, but eventually I land. Depending on how deep the cut is, I experience pure euphoria. All of my problems fade away into nothing and I'm happier than ever. That's how I feel when I cut.
After: After my high leaves though, I feel pretty normal (well, normal for me), albeit not so stressed.
it realy strange b4 i do it am angry upset etc during it is just so NUMB RELIEF EMPTY it is like i am not der in that body in that situation almost at peace with every thing but then the DARK THICK CLOUD comes down SO HEAVY SO FAST then BOOM it is bk to REALITY HIDE AWAY SO NO 1 CAN C SO NO 1 CAN ASK no 1 can make me feel bad no 1 can shout and cry make it worse. the worst bit is after wen the pain of healing comes and it hurts wen ur clothes rub on the cut and it jst not gud.female
Before I cut, there are always feelings of inadequacy, failure, rejection, depression... Sometimes I feel completely useless, other times I feel really lonely. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be anything like the person that I'd like to be. I get an urge to cut - it's not really a concious decision, I just feel like I need stress relief, and my feelings and thoughts stray pointedly close to the blade.
Then, in preparing for cutting - I can't do it without cleaning (and sterilising) the blade first - I feel calm, and peaceful. As if the fact that I'm seeking this relief is a good thing, and the knowledge that soon, I'll have something I can focus on, helps. Read more »
