Fri, 2009-04-03 23:34 — GabriellePrinter-friendly version
It's been more difficult, mainly, because now the people I've told think I'm just openly masochistic. It's really frustrating, because I don't get any pleasure/sexual gratification from hurting MYSELF -- that only comes when a close friend/romantic interest is the one hurting me, and only to a certain amount of pain.
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femaile, 16 started this year
Both, really. I've only ever told one person.
Sometimes, I'm really glad I did, because i know she cares for me and supports me and wants me to overcome it. Yet at the same time, I wish i hadn't cuz when i do cut, i feel like im letting her down.
bit of both really.
i have some close friends who have used it against me and told people like my dance teacher and things when were talking about show costumes but then theres this one friend the truest kind of friend you can get .....shes making life more bearable....cause i know i can tell her when iv cut and she double checks them n would flip if they were TOO deep as shes been there before....but i think its hard becuase shes goin thru her own problems to have mine on top of her is too much sometimes so i dont tell her and its EXTREAMLY hard for me to hide it from her =/ but i want her to get better first .....I <3 u V.M a true friend
It Depends
It really depends on the person. I told my friend right after I started. She seems to be the one who didn't judge at all. I guess it's because she had told me her story just a few weeks before that. And, well, she helped me through a lot. I tell her everything because she doesn't judge me and won't tell anybody else. However, this past winter, at a retreat with my youth group and I told my d-group there (A group where girls and guys are separated and it's also separated by age; each group has a college person in it also). And anyway, I told them, and my d-leader had to tell somebody...you know, all that legal stuff. And then, I quit after that retreat for the most part. When we were coming back from the youth trip, we met my parents at a gas station, and my daddy took only me in and asked me if I ever cut myself OUT LOUD in front of people. I was so freaking embarassed. Anyway, I was a little shocked at first, then shook my head yes. Then he told me that I either lied, had only done it once, or did it all the time. And before he finished I told him it was MORE than once. And anyway, my dad didn't understand at all. I tried to explain it to him. He just doesn't understand the addictive power it had over me. My older sister was shocked. My mother just kind of ignored it and does so now. All my friends have been extremely supportive of me. Some of them have self-injured, so they understand. Others haven't, but they know someone who has. Or they don't understand at all, but they still support me. I've only done so a few times since December.
I haven't lost any friends because I only trust a few people who won't babble my life story to everyone. They also don't judge me, which is extremely important because judging is one thing I can't stand.
[Female, age 17, started SH 6 months ago]
I dont know mixed feelings really.
When i told my counsellor i felt better cause finally someone knew which really helped cause before i felt so alone and like i was going crazy.
And now, well i still feel alone and crazy compared to everyone around me, but just sometimes i feel a little better knowing im not completley alone.
same as before
I dont think my life has become more complicated, just just complicated in different areas, such as; friends, and trusting people to know the truth. These things didnt used to be an issue and nowm, obviously, they are.
infinately more difficult
i only told a few people that i trusted, and one of them told the school gossip, so i get ragged on all the time because of what i have to do to survive. it is hell. mum put me in counseling, so now i get checked on all the time, and if i accidentally drop a goblet or something (i rarely throw things) they check me and check my room to make sure i didnt take any of the glass. its not like im in a padded cell or anything. they just piss me off.
the worst part of it all is the look on my best friends face when he found out....
♥ Alice
I totally agree
I totally agree with you, i've only told a few people i trust but even then i feel like a poser for sharing my big dark secret. the thing is, ive actually gotten worse since i've told people because of the guilt i feel in burdening them with my deep dark secret. at school all the teachers walk around me like they're walking on broken glass, if i wag just one class the police are called and a full search is innitiated for me, even if i'm just smoking it up behind the gym with my friends. my entire house has been gone over by my mum and she's hidden everything with a hint of an edge, the stupid thing is i can just go buy more razors to dissasemble if i'm desperate. but im proud now because i've been clean for a week, and i'm managing to hide my pain from those around me more easily, i just say i'm sick.
my friends aren't all that help, two of them have self harmed in their lives and with my best friend we just compare scars and complement each other on how good they look. its a sick connection we share.
telling people was probably the worst thing i've done all year.
speaking of cutting, there's something i have to go do....
Myvanwy
Both Ways
Truthfully, it goes both ways. It's a nice form of accountability, but it gets really frustrating the way my family is contantly checking me and asking me how I'm doing. At my school, I've sort of become the poster child for SI, which is both awesome and has opened a lot of doors and educated many people, but obviously has many downfalls- I have lost friends because of it.
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