I started when I was 13. I was never "that" girl. The one that everyone always said hi to. The one every guy wanted to get with. I was that chubby girl. The last one that was always the last one running in gym .The one that couldn't find a single damn pair of jeans or shirt that fit just right. I was always able to control in until this pass summer. I cut every single day. I started to hit the gym for almost a whole month straight, lost 14 pounds. I was still unsatisfied. I got to addicted about my weight that I forgot about hiding my cuts. My brother found them and told my parents.
I self-injure- generally, I'm not an emotional person, I don't show my emotion as intensely on the outside than how intensely I feel on the inside. I believe people don't deserve to see how much or how bad I feel about something unless I choose differently. I don't like talking about my feelings, nor my problems either. Cutting lets me feel something intense, on the exterior (the blood, seeing it running down.. etc..) in my own space and time.
Although I have not cut for a period of time now, I still think about it. Once a self-abuser, always one. Even subconsciously, I haven't consciously thought about cutting in a very long time, but in my dreams, or when I'm doing drugs I think about doing it. I think about the blood, I think about the blade slicing and opening my flesh; like opening up my pain and releasing out of me. I don't want it anymore, I don't want to feel anything for anyone or anything anymore. The human mind disgusts and intrigues me at the same time. It tortures me, but interests me at the same time. I am forever trapped in the cycle of blood.
Circle of blood, walking through the fire, a never ending desire.
Life can get to be a bit much sometimes. When I'm overwhelmed, I feel like I'm going to explode. When I start getting bad grades or am having trouble understanding my class, I get so upset. It's like I beat myself up over every mistake. Once I'm so angry at myself, and so stressed about school, I have to let it all out. Bleeding is my release. It seems so messed up to everyone who sees my scars, but cutting is my coping mechanism.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could live to be 22 and happy and semi-normal. Especially living a life that was SI-free.
In hindsight I realized I hurt myself because I couldn't handle the weight of living. I felt like a slave. I felt condemned to carry my burdens alone the rest of my life, and SI was the best way I could cope. For my first 20 years of life, suffering seemed an inescapable reality. My trust in adults was broken at a young age, so I kept everything I was dealing with to myself. My self-esteem was destroyed from early on, and I felt worth less than a pile of dirt. I felt trapped by my circumstances and was losing myself every passing year.
I don't think there is anything wrong with SI in itself. SI became a vehicle to help me survive those years. It was a reflection of the suffering that I endured during at that time.
I noticed many people here are in their teens, and struggle with SI. Before you become an adult it is easy to feel trapped in your circumstances, because your whole life up to that point you haven't had any control of your own life. This can happen at any age, actually.
I'm 22, and the burden of living hasn't changed. Suffering is guaranteed in this world. But I'm better somehow because I endured it and have come to trust a small amount of people and God. As I shifted from my teenage years to adulthood I was given freedom by Christ, and in turn peace of mind. I don't have to carry my burdens alone anymore. Read more »
This is a question I ask myself every day. Until recently, an answer has never been clear. Control. We all live in a world where the chances of being in control are nonexistant. I can't control the weather, other people, death, among the many other things I would like to be in control of. People anger me easily. I've always been irritated by large crowds, and obnoxious teens. Welcome to high school. I wish I could control my sociopathic biology teacher, my obnoxious classmates who think I'm deaf, and my friends, who don't really understand. But mostly, I like controlling myself. I don't like being sad, or feeling alone. But I can't control that on my own. I like knowing I can hurt myself, or make myself happy, whenever I need to. I'm a self-diagnosed depressed teen with nothing to look forward to. The only variable I can control is my own emotions. And I express that through cutting. Does it hurt? Yes. But I like it. I like being in control of my own suffering. Do I regret my choices? Not at all.
