I self-injure- generally, I'm not an emotional person, I don't show my emotion as intensely on the outside than how intensely I feel on the inside. I believe people don't deserve to see how much or how bad I feel about something unless I choose differently. I don't like talking about my feelings, nor my problems either. Cutting lets me feel something intense, on the exterior (the blood, seeing it running down.. etc..) in my own space and time.
Although I have not cut for a period of time now, I still think about it. Once a self-abuser, always one. Even subconsciously, I haven't consciously thought about cutting in a very long time, but in my dreams, or when I'm doing drugs I think about doing it. I think about the blood, I think about the blade slicing and opening my flesh; like opening up my pain and releasing out of me. I don't want it anymore, I don't want to feel anything for anyone or anything anymore. The human mind disgusts and intrigues me at the same time. It tortures me, but interests me at the same time. I am forever trapped in the cycle of blood.
Circle of blood, walking through the fire, a never ending desire.
I used to do it regularly, daily, several times a day when I was young. I'm almost 40 now and I'm feeling the need to start it back again-- I guess I self injure for control, for release, to let the anger loose maybe. It's hard to say. I have self injured in the past year several times and prior to that, it had been many years since I had done so.
My name is Gabrielle and I am twenty-eight years old. I began to self-injure at age fifteen -- so nearly thirteen years minus a two year period. This website is one about self-injury (self-harm), made to let self-injurers know that they are not alone and to help their friends and family learn more about self-injury and how it affects their loved one.
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