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I cut because it is my way of escaping my pain. It is my way to know Im real, and alive, and still existant in this harsh world. I dont want to inflict violence upon others, so I inflict it upon myself. I hate myself. I was teased and tortured by other kids at school. No one liked me. Sometimes I would think I had gained a friend, but they would turn on me. Just some joke they decided to play on me. They would call me names, poke at me, hit me, pull my hair, tease me, say demeaning things in front of the whole class, etc. Things were no better at home. My dad left when I was young. My mom constantly critized me for not being able to do things right. For always messing up. Not living up to my potential. Not dressing right. Not sitting still. Not doing a lot of things right according to her. She calls me stupid, a failure, nothing, a worthless bum, a loser. She has way too high expectations of me. My sister is no better. Shes on my moms side. I used to be so scared of \n\nher. She'd always scream at me and hit me. I was always the problem and always to blame. I have a lot of reasons to SI. Im now soon to be 19 and still in high school. Im not even half-way finished with it. Ive been too busy being a drug addict and an alcoholic to realize I was throwing my life away. I ran away once, didnt help much. I tried to overdose and slit my wrists, never worked. Ive tried to hang myself, and Ive put a gun to my head. Life is hard sometimes. But I realized things DO get better. I was at the worst Id ever been. I never imagined someone could feel the way I did. I felt so completely empty. Devoid of all hope and sanity. I was hearing voices, cutting every day all day, hoping to die. My eyes were dead black spheres, empty and cold. Unloving, uncaring, unwilling, unwanting, undeserving. I was lonely and I could feel no longer. I had become completely numb. I would break down so many times throughout the day and just fall to the ground and start crying uncontrollably. I didnt want to do anything anymore. I stopped everything. I layed in bed and stared endlessly at my ceiling. I stopped eating, stopped going out, stopped laughing, stopped smiling, stopped talking, stopped moving..I just stopped. I didnt want to be anymore. I was just so sick of it. I guess all of this is why I cut. Because I feel so numb inside, so dead and empty, completely lonely. And cutting gives my body a jolt, a little feeling. It just lets me know Im still human, even when I think Im not. Even when Im slipping away, it still helps me to hold on for just a little bit longer. And even when I think Im dead (and Im convinced my soul died a long time ago), it helps to assure me Im still among the living. Life was given to us to live, some use it only to survive - now I believe thats a terrible waste. I try to live each day to its fullest now. I step on the pain inside. I use it as a boost. I try to learn from it and grow. Its hard and each day I struggle with not cutting myself. But all it takes is a little belief. Now..I believe....do you?