Breadcrumbs:
[female, age 19, began to SI at age 17]
To distract myself from what i'm thinking or what i'm feeling or remembering, whatever. Sometimes to make myself dissociate (yes I know what that word means), and sometimes to make myself come back to reality. Sometimes i do it to punish myself for sins (i'm not real religious but i believe in God and i hate myself when i do major stuff like if i fantasized about some guy i liked or watched a sex scene in a movie). Sometimes, especially when i first started SI, it was to show people how much I was hurting inside, so they would help me, make me feel better. Sometimes I use it to even out my moods (I'm not bipolar, but every once in a while i do get a little bit manic- but more often i'm depressed). I don't use it for that terribly often. a lot of times when i cut, i feel like whatever sin or badness that was in me is leaking out through the cut i made, like the blood washes it out of me and i'm clean(er) again. But the main reason is that it makes me numb. I don't really feel too much emotion for a while after cutting (except sad but i can deal with that- i just can't deal with fear or frustration, those types of emotions)

Comments
living diary
2 years () (Permalink)I've always hated keeping a diary because I'm afraid someone might read it. When I cut I write words, symbols, or phrases that kinda mark certain points in my life. I started because the emotional pain was too much and physical pain helped me to forget it. Now, I'm just a morbid tattoo artist, using a blade and blood to create my art.
Comment Links:
Post new comment