I started at first by beating my head off the wall as a child, then I moved to pulling out my hair. I remember this because my mom and dad where so embarassed to take me out so they starting shaving my hair and got my ears pierced because they were tired of people calling me a boy. Then it went to me washing my hands after everything I thouched. I would wash them so much that they would bleed and be raw. Then I started cutting myself at the age of 12. I still cut myself from time to time but not as much. As I'm in a profession that everyday I get burnt from welding and the cures the need to cut as much. And during all this I tried to seek help but when I tried to mention it as a teen they thought I was doing it for attention. As a adult I tried but they threatened to take my daughter away from me.
In my idealized world I would have liked to have a kind and understanding person help me through it...but I've encountered everything else but that, haha. I've had people that merely treat it like any other wound; that speak of "it" and "you" rather distantly. I've seen sarcastic people that joked a lot about it. I've seen therapists who was very serious and grave about it, probably reacting from their own fear. I've had others make a huge deal and played the guilt card. But I prefer the people that were calm and collected over the emotional ones. The reason know all this is because few years ago there was this huge intervention from many different people to help me...that's how I got to experience so many different personalities trying to "fix" me.
Yeah, one time. I was holding the knife, not really going to cut, just wanting to so bad... i was holding it on my leg so i could feel it (i seriously was not intending to actually cut though) and somehow i moved the wrong way without knowing it and accidentally stabbed myself in the leg with it. It wasn't that bad, though. I only needed two stitches. The dr. was incredibly cool. He asked me what happened, and all i said was "i cut myself," (knowing that he could see all the other scars, too - I have a lot of them), and he just stitched me up. But he talked to me like a normal human being. Not like i was stupid or flawed. And he didn't make me feel uncomfortable about it. The nurse i saw before him when i was being assessed at the emergency room was really cold, though. He seemed to not care at all. But, overall it wasn't horrible.
I've had to seek out medical attention a lot lately for my wounds. In general, the place I go has competent and professional staff (it is a center on a school campus) so there isn't an overtly negative reaction to treating me. But, it's easy for me to see which ones have the hardest time dealing with it/me. There is one doctor though who is outright condescending to me if I have to see her. The last time I went in she looked at me and said something to the effect of, "so you don't have any control over doing this to yourself?" Making it clear that she thought I did and was just choosing to be a nuisance. So, I left feeling even worse about myself then I did going in (which is pretty amazing--who knew I could sink so low) and I've decided that I won't seek treatment anymore unless there is blood spurting or a vein showing. I would rather put up with ugly scars than deal with that humiliation (and does she ask her fat patients whether they have any control when they binge on food?).
Stitches twice, and hospitalized for partial thickness burns once. The staff were actually kind of rude and very condescending to me. One nurse actually left the room when she found out that I had done it to myself, and they had to get another nurse to finish.
My name is Gabrielle and I am twenty-eight years old. I began to self-injure at age fifteen -- so nearly thirteen years -- minus a two year period. This website was made to let self-injurers know that they are not alone and to help their friends and family learn more about self-injury and how it affects their loved one.
