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About Me
"Don't be fooled by her beautiful smile. Inside she's breaking, she's fragile."
"How do you know I'm hurting if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body shows what words cannot explain."
Those quotes are me. I'm Cassie, I'm fourteen. I have Asperger's syndrome. That's mild functioning autism. My twin brother has severe autism. Here's our family expriment: Two fully vaccinated kids, and one who has never had vaccinations. Two autistic kids, one typically developing child. I don't give a damn who did what studies on autism in conjunction to vaccinations.
I have been cutting since I was ten years old. Cutting is my main form of self-harm. I also bruise, burn, break/sprain bones, and starve. My stomach, thighs, and legs are covered in self inflicted cuts and scars. I've spent years hiding behind a smile. I realized I'm not going to hide anymore, I don't have the energy.
I also have anorexia/ednos, five anxiety disorders, borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, and major depressive disorder. I probably have even more disorders, but I probably don't know about them. So, I'm crazy.
I'm extremley suicidal. I tried to take my life several times. The determination to kill myself has been stronger than ever.
I live with my parents, two brothers, and tons of pets! We joke sometimes and say we could charge admission for a zoo..I've lived in another country, and five other states. Well, almost six, but I haven't moved yet this time around.
I am a writer, trying very hard to get my writing published. If you look under creativity, most of my poems are there. Hopefully my computer never crashes, because most of my poems are online. I'm trying to transfer them into a journal, but I'm too lazy.
You know that smiley girl....the one who seems to have it prefect? WRONG. It's all about hiding my pain from everyone else. Around my friends though, I am the happiest and up beat of them all.
I hate it when I'm told that I hurt people. I'm the one who starves, cuts, cries, and gets anxiety attacks before anyone knows anything. I am not proud of it. I think of myself as a loser with it. People judge me though they don't know anything. I hate telling people about my problems, I try hard to hide them and not tell people, so I came on here to know I'm not alone.
Need to talk? I'm here to listen. Post a comment or PM me.
As my poem Broken Beyond Repair says,
"I live my life in constant doubt.
Suicide seems like the only way out.
I lost the battle, not the war.
Someday, recovery will come knocking at my door."
Interests
Writing (My work is in the long process of being published)
I'm a perfectionist
Reading
Music
Anything twloha or autism awareness
Helping people
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I want the heat that radiates off of cuts. |
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I'm craving the feeling of blood running down my skin. |
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Six weeks SH free. <3. |
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If you haven't already, listen to "Warrior" by Demi Lovato. That song is amazing. |
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I just gained my first full memory. It's earth shattering. I need the blade. I hate this. |
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I'm Trying My Hardest
Sometimes, I don't know if I want to get better; I guess I'm afraid of letting go, and learning what it is like to genuinely be happy. It's almost... |
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Thanks!!
I love to share my writing :) Everyone's comments means sooooo much to me! Thanks, guys. That's a true story, too |
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You're Welcome!
It was awesome. We did all of these cool tests and stuff. You're welcome. You always have us :) |
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Comments
The high school thing
8 months () (Permalink)I survived high school, but not with other students. I mostly struggled by myself, only with the help of a few friends (whom did not know about my depression and anxiety disorder). I flocked to my teachers. I grew closer with a couple and continue to go out for coffee with them. If you ever need any words of wisdom to help get through the day, let me know.
Shelby
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Thank you:) I started high school today and it sucked. So I took it out on myself. New cuts and the pain won't go away. I'm trying to get out of school for tomorrow, and ideas?
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@autismtwin
9 months () (Permalink)OMG girllllll ILove u ur my BFF if anyone Fucks with u I will hunt the down and they will have to deal with me but anyway like we just got off the phone and yea lol
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Hey, I replied to you but I
10 months () (Permalink)Hey, I replied to you but I think the site is acting up. I'll try again later
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Sorry, I am just getting on
10 months () (Permalink)Sorry, I am just getting on now because I lost my power in a bad storm. Jack got diagnosed when we were about two. My brother loves country music, he sings along. He does show love. He talks, but only when he wants something. He likes to joke, too. He started using full sentences and better vocabulary this year, and my mom had to pick me up because of my self-injury once. and he said, 'Cassie, don't cry.' Jack opened up to languages. Believe it or not, he taught himself german. He could know way more, but we won't ever figure that out because he can't tell us. He can do basic math, and tell the time on his own. He also reads very well. What about your son? People will never know what it is like to until they live with this. I plan to take care of him when I get older. I know what a hell it can be to live with someone like this, even though you love them dearly.
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twloha http://www.twloha.com/vision/
11 months () (Permalink)MISSION STATEMENT:
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
VISION:
The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.
We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.
You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.
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very inspiring! What state do
10 months () (Permalink)very inspiring! What state do you live in? or around?
Oh my gosh! I'm so proud of you, keep it up, be strong!
2 days ago