self-injury.net

Every now and then I have these strange dreams about razor blades.Once I had this dream where I was franticly walking around my house picking up razor blades off the floor and when I would pick some up more would appear.Then just the other night I had a dream that everytime I reached into my pocket,razor blades would fall out when I removed my hand and they would fall out into plain sight but no body would even notice.Also I've had dreams where I'm not wearing long sleeves and someone will always tell me to cover my arms before someone sees.Has any body else had dreams like these?

I thought I would take the time to discuss the events leading up to my resorting to self-injury.All throughout childhood and middle school,I never really expirienced much of anything.Even for most of high school,I was fine.I was never abused as a child in any way and actually I had a pretty decent and normal childhood.I'd have to say that everything started in my Senior year of high school.I started expiriencing moods of depression and I wrote alot of dark,depressing poems.And I suppose you could consider this self-injury since it basically was but I used to take this dull pocket knife I had and make scratches on my arm.They never bled but they did become puffy and redish before fading.

Then comes graduation night,which I like to call the catalyst for what's happening now.I was denied entry to my senior lock in,only because I didn't pay ahead of time.So I got angry,just went home after my grad ceremony.I spent the whole night listening to depressing music and writing dark poems,This depressive mood carried on until the first time that I cut myself.I obviously still struggle with it but it's an everyday battle I try my hardest to win.

I found this survey online and decided to do it.

Age: 21

Label yourself (prep,goth,druggie,weirdo, etc.): Anti-Social

How long have you been cutting?: I started when I was 19

Favorite tool?  razor blades

Where (place) do you cut? (school,home, etc.):  my bedroom,sometimes in the bathroom

Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists,forearms,& upper arms etc): yes,including my wrists

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?: Yes

Do you cut on your hands, neck, or face?: i have before,just on my hands though

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?: just my forearms

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?: last i counted there were 22 but i know there's alot more than that now

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?: No.

Do you have (diagnosed or not) Depression, and/or Bipolar/BPD?: Never been diagnosed with anything but I'm pretty sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Who knows you cut? My friend Holly and a christian pop singer I met and talked with last summer.

Have you ever been caught cutting? A few close calls but never actually been caught.

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel? Nope.

Did you have a good childhood? Yeah,it was just stress that caused me to turn to cutting

Why do you cut? Stress,loneliness,feeling not good enough

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?  No.

Do you want to stop cutting, but can’t because of addiction? Yes,I really wish I didn't cut.

Do you like cutting? Yes and no.I like the stinging feeling it gives me but I also wish I didn't do it.

How many times have you tried to complete suicide?  A few half-way attempts but never full on attempts.

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?  It's a way of coping,but it'll destroy your life and who you are.SoI'd say dpn't do it.
Do you like watching movies with Self-injury? Yes,but I approach them with caution as they can be very triggering.

Do you like looking at pictures of Self-injury? Yes but some make me sick and help me to realize that cutting is bad.

Do you sometimes envy other people? (non-self-injurers): Yes, because I wish I was them,cut and scar free.
 

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars? Yes. 

Do you want to die? if yes, Why? No."Tired of living,scared of dying"

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury? No.

What do you like to listen too while cutting? Sia,Bullet For My Valentine,anything depressing.

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting? No.

Do you dream about cutting? Yes,mainly about getting caught cutting.

Would you rather have a boyfriend/girlfriend that is also a cutter?  Doesn't matter but I would be afraid of scaring them away if they are a non-cutter.

What do you use to bandage your cuts after a session?  I usually just stop the bleeding with napkins and use bandaids when neccesary.

My parents are always asking me why I watch high school shows.And honestly,I watch them because it's something that keeps me happy.There's nothing I love to do more when I'm depressed than kicking back,watching Victorious and laughing my butt off.The other shows I love are Wizards of Waverly Place,iCarly,Shake It Up,Sonny With A Chance,Hannah Montana and Good Luck Charlie.They are funny and they often distract me when I feel like cutting.