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Wow, I haven’t written a blog in a really, REALLY long time. Sorry about that. Anyway, the real point of this blog.
Today I was kinda just sitting on the couch listening to music when the song “Girl With Golden Eyes” came on my computer. I haven’t actually listened to the words of it but today I did. One point of the song begins to list the what the singer went through when he went through withdrawal. On the 7th day he says “I’m finally clean” or something to that effect. That got me to thinking about what another singer in a band said, which was “if you’ve never been messed up with stuff like that, it has almost an element of romance to it. And once you’re messed up, you don’t actually see anything wrong anymore, but everyone else can see it.” I started to compare that to my life and I thought about some of the things I’ve thought about my SI. I’ve thought that I would lose a part of me. I’d lose what makes me me. What makes me different. Today I realized that I’m “messed up” as that singer called it. I’ve gotten too far into this, and it scares me. I’m not sure how I would stop, or how I would feel if I did. I’m not sure I actually could stop on my own. I’ve realized that I’ve fallen into the trap of SI, and I’m not sure how to get out. I can say one thing, it truly does appear romantic to the clean, if you will, eye. But, I’m going to say this right now. It’s not, it never is, was, or will be. It’s all and illusion to cover a sick world full of tricks, smoke and mirrors. I know you all get that, or if you haven’t gotten to that point yet, you’ll get it soon enough. This is more a message to anyone who hasn’t done anything yet, or only tried it once or twice. This is my warning to you. Don’t do it. It’s not worth the constant struggle the heartache, the urges, the secrecy, the fear, the anger, or all the pain it’ll cause. The “good” that comes out of it is smothered by all the horrible things that it causes. If you’ve been through this, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, heed my warning, Don’t start, it’s nothing like it’s cracked up to be.
Alrighty, well, thank you for listening to me rant about being scared and such. If you know any way to help stop this, or really just wanna talk, send me a message or if I’m online, chat with me. Bye bye for now, talk to you all soon.
You can’t always be strong.
Tonight’s where I lost it.
My strenght failed me, I fell into tears, and my old ways.
I couldn’t take this never ending pain, that’s constantly eating away at me.
II lost the fight.
The fight between myself and my emotion.
The fight between myself and my pain.
The fight between myself and my blade.
I have no idea how long I can keep this up…
There must be some way, to stop feeling.
To stop feeling pain, and every terrible thing.
Even if it’s only for a little while.
There must be a way…
Do you know the way?
“Why’d you do that?” Or, “How could you do that?” Questions we get asked all the time if people see our scars, or cuts, or markings of any sort, and they’ve figured out the truth. So, what do you tell them? Spill the beans? Or just make up some story, “Oh, um, long story, and you would only get it if you’ve done this” kind of thing?
I just tell people that I’m overwhelmed, cover myself, and walk away.
But, how are you supposed to deal with that? I mean, no one really would understand unless they’ve self-injured.
For now, lets just call them, um, SI virgins, sure, why not?
SI virgins don’t really understand the pressure, and the taking-under kind of feeling you get when you don’t self harm.
They don’t understand that release, that beauty that we can see through it.
Pain scares them, while pain comforts us.
Blood grosses them out, while blood frees us.
So, how do you answer the question, “Why’d you do that?” or “How could you?!”
I just walk away.