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It seems like a small thing to some. What you ask? I am a cutter.  I think  about it everyday. I wear rubberbands  on my wrist to help with the urges. You think that is strange? Nope, it really helps me. I have had tons of bruising, but no cuts .  I have went a whole month. I am so proud of myself. I have an awsome  support system.  I have reliazed I need to be here. My past is dark and scary, but  with  strength and support my future looks  great. Somethings are ment to be, even though  we do not understand them. Are we ment to?  I do not know, I do not care.

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well wouldn’t you know it. i was do so well. it has been since june 16, 2009 since i have cut last, and i would ruin it all in just one second. in just one little instance i would waste away several months of me not giving in to all of the freaking urges that i had, and the time that i just need to do so in just one little second. you know i thought i was able to handle all the things that were bothering me, i thought that i was totally in control but apparently i wasn’t apparently i am not as strong as i thought i was.

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And I’m officially 20 years old today. I think it’s crazy how I feel like my life is going by quickly and that I already feel myself believing the best years of my life are gone. I mean, I know it’s not necessarily true, because I do have a whole life ahead of me. I’m ready to face the world, too. Finally haha. The thing about my birthday, though, that both depresses me and makes me feel kind of comforted is that it is the anniversary of the first time I started cutting. While I’ve suffered from various forms of self-injury, my cutting began on my 13th birthday. September 18th, 2002. It seems so strange that it all began 7 years ago, a few slices and my world was changed forever. I still remember the first time I did it. I was digging my nails into my wrist in English class one minute and the next I was home with my razorblade on the phone with a friend, hiding the fact that I was slicing my wrist up. Funny how one choice can affect the rest of your life, though. I do believe that cutting has made me stronger. Not the act of cutting itself, but the journey I’ve had because of it.

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today i went to a like a place where a “group” of children with problems would like chill amongst other crazy bitches…i did’nt like it, in fact i hated it i hate people knowing about my other life i hate not feeling like i dont have anything almost like im empty and shit. the worst part about it was when my mom and i talked to an psychiatrist and they asked what brought us here what was my problem. i thought we were just there to like talk to the fucking special doctors about my panic attacks, but oops my mom had other shit at the end she said” hey show the lady your arm” i was thinking like “fuck no”  but i did. n the lady was like she hurts her self it made me mad b/c i felt like they were both like thinking other shit like im was like totally crazy. and like they knew what my situation was but my mom new shit she did’nt no anything then they asked “why…why do you do it” ugh i didnt answer. n she went back to writing on her paper.my heart was like racing like literally pounding i could like feel something moving in my chess i was so scared, shocked, i wanted to cut. i wanted them to forget me cutting most importantly i wanted to forgett that they knew THEY KNEW!

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I think that my life is getting better. But on the other hand I havent been attending school at all for the past two weeks, because of me not wanting to be strong and just deal with the problems but the thing is im done fighting, i dont want to argue anymore. ugh . I just want it to be easy right now for once in my life…its just more simpler, even though nothing about me is simple. It’s just so agravating. Like I want to be things. I want to be succesful in life  But im happy. Im actually happy. I havent been cutting. There hasent been situations when I feel I haft to cut. It’s like i have hope. Life feels good. I feel so good. Im thinking it’s because of the prescription . haha  Anyhoo, I have hope that things will get better for me. Life isn’t going to hold back, Im going to live how I want. uhh. HIGHSCHOOL  Im probally making everything worst than it seems. But i just dont want to walk back in to that highschool. I can but don’t. I feel like ever since I’ve been taking my meds.

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High school sucks and women can be extremely cruel beings, incase anyone didn’t know already.

So I officially have no friends anymore and parents who seriously dislike me. I really thought I had hit the bottom but no fate had more in store for me. One of the girls that was there the night we got caught drinking decided to tell everyone in our grade about it. 
Fabulous. 
When I confronted her about it (and I was calm and did not accuse or raise my voice) she got all emotional and pretty much screamed in my face how I am such a bitch and ruined her life and made her do all that stuff that night. Well me being the school wide freak that I am obviously got the worse end and everyone became sympathetic to her. I honestly think i’ve been sneered at by every single girl in my grade. 

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Latest Blog Comments

Noose and Neck

I agree. I’d say that I’m going to hell too.

Gabrielle

I’m not a parent but I know people who have felt such guilt because of it. They want to want to be the perfect mother and wife but mental illness has kept them from it. There’s a parents thread on the forum… under the forum called Sex&Relationships (you need to logged into the forum to see it). Might be something that can...

Gabrielle

My father himself was emotionally abusive and there were ‘answers’ in my case. However, they always changed and there was blame placed on me and other people. Sometimes genuine guilt. My father is a difficult man, not reliable in emotional matters.

I think, if it’s hurting you then perhaps it’s best to not look for...

sabina sandman

wow powerful.totally can relate <3 xx

sabina sandman

hey friend

i can relate to how you feel if you ever need to vent drop me a message ) x