Recently Browsing 0 members
No registered users viewing this page.
Two years I've been in recovery from self-harm.
I don't think I can last another day honestly. More recently, every time I've been getting angry or upset, I just want to hurt myself all over again. Well that would be two years wasted!! I can't stop the thoughts. I can't. They're literally consuming my brain more and more everyday. Just waking up is a struggle. Sleeping is even a chore for me now. I just want to hurt myself so badly because at least before when I did that, I didn't feel depressed or pain. When I used to hurt myself, I felt invigorated and a lot happier. I don't get it. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't therapy help? Nothing helps me anymore!!! I am so afraid I'll relapse. I can't do it though. I've worked so hard to get here. I just don't think I can take it anymore though. I want--- no, I need to hurt myself.
Please, help me.
I don't know what to do.
Okay i've never shared any of these before except with a really close friend of mine. They're just ramblings I guess but I like them and I'm not sure if they'll better the world or anything but I liked them enough to write them and not delete everything. They're kind of based on real life events but there's no names. It's just the emotions I've bottled up coming out in the form of long ramblings and where am I going with this? Just.. leave feedback if you want to.
Today seemed to be getting worse by the minute.
For years he’d been waiting for her, and now that those years were almost over she’d never be his. When he got to know her, she was 13 and he was 14. They were in the same grade. He turned 15, she turned 14, and they became friends. He hung out with her, got drunk with her, went to class with her, laughed with her and slowly fell in love with her. He never meant to fall in love with her, it just happened. But she was young, and pretty, and then she suddenly had a boyfriend when she was 14, a boyfriend who treated her like a princess and who was older, and he was furious whenever she talked about him, but he hid that feeling by teasing her about it. And then she told him she’d broken up with the guy, whenever they saw each other they only got high, and he only wanted to have sex whilst she wanted to talk about the meaningful stuff in life. And he wanted to scream so do I but he couldn’t because just couldn’t.
So he told himself he’d wait with her, for her, until she turned 17, because he knew he’d met the person he’d want to be with for the rest of his life, because it was the thing to do, but he didn’t want to scare her or take her innocence away. And all this time she treated him like a friend, and thought not the worst but not the best of him either. He’d been ‘friends with benefits’ with one of her best friends until he realised he was falling for her so deeply, but he knew that she knew, and whenever he saw her he wanted to tell her he didn’t have feelings for that girl, but his mouth was glued together. She’d had another boyfriend, for a short while, had sex with him, and then dumped him too. She was only 15 at the time. By then they were such close friends she told him stuff like that, and he congratulated her and teased her about it, but his insides were burning and he wanted to throw up. She hugged him and called him a great friend and he realised that if she could ever trust him the way she’d trusted that guy, he had to change his ways. So he changed it all, did it all for her, ended all of his romantic relationships with girls, and he was left with friends. Then his best friend told him that she’d told him, at that one party a year ago, whilst she was extremely drunk, that she thought she liked him, him, but that she’d realised he wasn’t boyfriend material. His desire to change had never been so strong. He became the best version of himself thanks to her, changed his hairstyle and his attitude, started studying, started loving life again and started talking about his problems and his experiences. And she encouraged him, supported him and was there for him every step of the way, but never the way he wanted her to be there for him. He craved that deep emotional connection that all the couples around him seemed to have, but she had such a connection with so many people on so many different levels.
He watched her grow, and saw how she developed from a shy, awkward girl with low self-esteem to a beautiful young woman who was admired by all and who did no harm to anyone. She was a goddess, she was the very image of perfection, and now he was about to lose it all.
It was their last school year. He was turning 18, she was turning 17, and he finally wanted to take her in his arms and hold her forever. Then that guy had to repeat a year and she became friends with him very quickly, and told her friends no one had ever listened to her that well, that no one had ever understood the way he did. They kissed at parties and it wasn’t even a drunk kind of kissing it was a kind of kissing that made the stars explode and that made people turn heads. He asked her out and they went to a restaurant and he told her that even though she was two years younger, age was just a number and that he loved her for her soul. Then today they appeared in school holding hands, and he’d never seen her so happy or care-free as when she was in that boy’s arms, but he knew that he could make her feel at least a thousand times better, but then she told him that she thought that guy was the one and that the sex was great, but that they could also talk about everything under the sun. She told him again that he was a really great friend for putting up with all of her boy trouble, but that he didn’t have to put up with it anymore since she’d found a really good guy who’d take care of her. He smiled and hugged her and told her he was happy for her but he wanted to cry and tell her she was his and that the moon himself had told him that they were supposed to walk the world together. She was the galaxy and he was a meagre planet but he wanted to give her everything he had to offer.
“Are you OK?” she asked, hand on his arm.
“Yeah I’m good.” he said, not looking her directly in the eyes.
“Is this about me being together with him? It’s not going to change our friendship you shouldn’t worry about that.” She looked at him, concerned. He hated seeing her in distress.
“Don’t worry about it sunshine, I’m just working through some stuff.” He smiled reassuringly.
“Well I’m here if you wanna talk.” She patted on his leg then stood up, and went back to where she originally was before they talked, Chris’s arms. He clenched his fists and turned to talk to his friends, hiding the pain that was everywhere.
They’d had their ups and downs especially at the beginning of their friendship. She thought he was an asshole sometimes and he wasn’t good at talking about his feelings but he still liked to look out for her and she loved him in a sisterly sort of way after she realised she could never like him like that. He regretted everything he’d ever said to her before he’d realised he liked her in a not-friend way. He wanted her, she was an essential part of his existence and he felt like a sailor man lost at sea.
There was another party at the house of one of her friends. Going to parties together had become a tradition after tenth grade. Her parents let her run free, she was the black sheep of the family anyway, but everyone in her grade admired and loved her, and they were her family. He was her family, but he didn’t want to be her family, he wanted to be the one she’d introduce to her family as the one.
They’d drink together with their friends beforehand then turn up to the party extremely tipsy. She never had a hangover and never puked, no matter how much she drunk, but he always had a headache after every party. She would dance and run outside and he would look at her, her lips looking the colour of strawberries and her hair smelling of fresh flowers and watermelon. But then it was the summer of 2017 and they went on vacation with their friend group to a warm country and they took shots and laughed and she kissed that guy on the beach whilst he was looking from the balcony and he wanted to strangle the guy but he couldn’t and then she told him it was just a silly summer fling and that she was still looking for that one guy and he wanted to take her head in between his hands and kiss her forehead and tell her to stop looking because he was right here.
There was that one party he never went to somewhere at the end of the tenth grade but she did go with her friends and she sent him drunk voice recordings then apologized the next morning. He laughed then asked her if she was okay now and she told him how she had coffee at four a.m. in the morning then decided to drink rum and that it was possibly the best decision of her life. He saw pictures of her at that party, dancing with a thousand and one people and talking to everyone and sleeping at 5 a.m. And then she told him that she had treated life like a game of chess for the past years because chess is pure analysis and no feelings and if you don’t feel anything life can’t hurt you so she’d been numb her entire life. But then she said she was so incredibly happy from the top of her head to her toes, and that every breath she took tasted like rainbows. And he wanted to give her every single ray of sunlight he saw because she deserved the warmth and the happiness.
Then one time she called him up in the middle of the night crying because the pain had come back and she couldn’t hide it behind her numbness anymore and the infinite black hole in her chest was sucking up her entire existence and he came to her house and held her and slowly pressed her soul back together
He’d wanted to give her the stars but he hadn’t realised that he couldn’t, because she was the stars.
And now she didn’t need him anymore because she’d found a guy that was the stars to someone, just like she was the stars to him, but stars belonged up in the sky together and not down on earth with the mere humans but still his love for her was so great that it consumed him entirely but he could only watch, he realised that now. He watched and watched and realised that a love like that wasn’t for people like him but she was so extremely happy that somewhere deep inside of him he could also be a little happy, but it was a bitter happiness because his heart ached everywhere he went, as do the hearts of millions of others.
By Draco Malfoy
But you’re a bag of warm fluid
You’re the corpse in the class
You walk so near to your locker
You lay so low in the grass
Did you get that coat from the principal?
Did you get that bruise on the bus?
You should wash your hair more
You should look more like us.
i had a dream that i was fine
i wasn't crazy
i was divine
-- lana del rey