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    Draco Malfoy

    Quote from More, Now, Again by Elizabeth Wurtzel

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    • On the plane ride home, I understand that I have run out of reasons, that I have now moved on to excuses.

      That’s the difference between using and abusing: when you use drugs, they are indeed useful; they help you get through. By the time you are abusing, it’s just about the drugs; addiction is its own thing. I do drugs because I do drugs– doing drugs wants to make you do more drugs– and that’s what makes it an addiction. It feeds on itself, it is a closed system, it has no external logic at all. In that way, it’s like true love: at first you fall for the person because of this thing or that. There is a shopping list of reasons– he has an interesting job; he smiles like Tom Cruise; he is dapper like Cary Grant; he can teach you how to drive stick without losing his patience; when he looks at you, it’s like the world has stopped. But once you’re in love, you can’t remember how it got started or why: you are in love, you are lost in the person and the relationship, the relationship is its own reason.

      And when you break up, once again, you are back to the list. You are looking for someone with that same interesting job, someone who smiles like Tom Cruise, someone with Cary Grant’s dash, someone who is calm about teaching you to drive in the Target parking lot, someone who makes the world stop every time he looks at you. And it’s ridiculous, because no one else will ever have those exact qualities again. The next person you fall for will have a whole other roster of wonders– he’ll have eyes like Paul Newman’s, he’ll serenade you with his guitar, he’ll cook wonderful coq au vin, he’ll kiss you and you’ll see fireworks, or whatever– and you will realize those individual pieces that make you fall in love don’t matter at all. It’s the whole thing, it’s the entire feeling, it’s the big fat love in your heart– that’s what does it.

      So I could say I love cocaine because it makes me forget that I am waiting for some guy to call me. I can tell you I love speed because it lets me stay awake for days. I could claim that I love heroin because when I’m on it I just don’t care about anything at all. And it would be true, it would all be true. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I do drugs to do drugs. My loneliness, my self-pity, my romantic failures- those were all excellent reasons to pick up dope in the first place. But they don’t matter anymore. The world has gone on without me. Life has gone on without me. Things have changed. For all I know, I could be in New York, hang out with my friends and do good work, and fall in love- and not feel lonely at all. Who knows what my life would be like?

      The circumstances that got me started on my addiction no longer exist. I’m doing what I’m doing because I just can’t stop.

    • Categories Drugs Self,
    • Source Type Books > Memoirs
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