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My entire life I've been self-harming. As long as I can remember anyway... When I was six, I would pour salt on my arm and then place an ice cube on top to burn myself. I would use erasers and rub my skin raw. I would cut little pieces out of my hand with safety scissors...Eventually, I progressed into cutting. My favorite place is my left inner forearm but after a while, people started to notice it there. I never really felt shame about it until then. I liked doing it. I thought they looked like they belonged on my arm. My mom was really confused for a while but eventually did her homework and knew exactly what I was doing to myself. Thus began the first stint of counseling for me at nine years old. After YEARS of scarring myself on every part of my body, I finally was able to stop cutting at 17 for 1 year and 4 months... I didn't self harm once in that whole time. But one day, just a bit after my 18th birthday, I couldn't stop thinking about it at work. I couldn't control myself. I spent my entire shift planning on exactly what I would use, where I would cut, and exactly what I would need to do it safely... I had deluded myself into thinking that it would be okay if I just did it one last time... I loved the rush of making a plan to self harm. After work, I drove to drugstore, bought a pack of razor blades and a box of bandaids and hurried home to lock myself into my bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and laid out all of my 'tools'. I exposed my left thigh and ran my fingers across all the raised scarring from all those years and picked up a blade. It felt like the very first time. White hot.
My boyfriend at the time, who was 30, saw the fresh cuts one night and he punched me 4 or 5 times hard on the side of my face. I was shocked and hurt and sad and an absolute mess but promised him I'd never cut myself again. The next day, I woke up to see my face black and purple and blue all over. I remember my first thought being that I liked how I looked with a bruise much more than how I looked with infected stinging cuts. Bruises like that are a constant dull pain. Very different from cutting. I fell in love with it.
fter my bruises had healed, I was craving to feel it again. So I began to hit myself... At first with my fists and then with harder objects. Like a hammer or a heavy wrench.... Causing massive bruising all over my body. It's more addicting than cutting and I can't get enough. I've never really heard of anyone bruising themselves as self harm and I just feel really crazy and alone kind of.... I don't know....
Thanks for reading.
By Draco Malfoy
But you’re a bag of warm fluid
You’re the corpse in the class
You walk so near to your locker
You lay so low in the grass
Did you get that coat from the principal?
Did you get that bruise on the bus?
You should wash your hair more
You should look more like us.
i had a dream that i was fine
i wasn't crazy
i was divine
-- lana del rey
By Angelica Sky
When you die the only kingdom you’ll see,
is two foot wide and six foot deep.