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Hello. I'm new here...
I'm 15, and have been cutting myself since I was 13. I was busted about a month ago, just before I turned fifteen. My mom was pissed, but my dad and his family supported me. I wrote out my suicide letters last night, but hope I don't ever have to send them, because as much as I want to cease existing, I don't want to kill myself. I'd rather get killed in a car accident or something.
I'm depressed, and have bad anxiety. I broke a plastic pencil sharpener to get the blade, and have been using that since my scissors and razor blade was taken away.
I love My Chemical Romance (don't you dare say the thing), Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, Twenty Øne Piløts, and Black Veil Brides. I'm trying out a lot of other bands in the same genres.
I also love the Harry Potter and Percy Jackson books.
I stumbled upon this site while looking for some people to talk to. I'm kind of... having one of those days/one of those moments where everything feels out of place and not right. It's hard to describe.
I... don't really know how to format this? I'm in New York right now, upstate and enjoying it a bit. I'm still working through school - I'm studying about animals which is pretty nice. I like to draw and I like books on animal behavior. I am 23 years old, and have been dealing with depression since I was 13 years old, and anxiety since I was... well since I was born really. Not even as a joke. I remember at 2 years old when I was still in a crib - my mother put a plastic covering on the doorknob which prevented me from going out into the house (and well, maybe eating something toxic or falling or something). I got so scared that I cried to the point of vomiting. I've always been like that. Uh, except less crying and less vomiting. But the same level of sensitivity to stress. It's gotten better, but it's still a rough ride. I'm working with several therapists and I'm on medication, but sometimes I just need to talk to someone late at night. And well, most of my therapists aren't awake and neither are my friends.
I've tried to commit suicide three times. I self harmed a lot in highschool. I stopped self harming for a few years, but I relapse every so often. Usually when I'm feeling out of place and severely dissociated. I'm trying to reach out more when I'm feeling like this. I've never talked to anyone else who has self-harmed. I'd like to learn how other people experience it, and how they've managed to cope.
Also I really hope I posted this in the right forum. I'm terrible with stuff like this.
By Draco Malfoy
Sylvia Plath was a renowned poet, short story writer, and author of The Bell Jar, the classic autobiographical novel. She is considered one of the defining writers of the 20th century and her death by suicide in 1963 was the culmination of years of depression that had plagued her on and off since her time at Smith College.
In Letters Home, a posthumous publication of correspondence written by Plath during her time at university, her mother writes of an incident that happened after Plath's internship with Mademoiselle in the summer of 1953 but prior to her first suicide attempt:
That same summer Plath was found in the crawl space of her home after having gone missing for three days. She had taken sleeping pills. As her relieved family rejoiced she said, "It was my last act of love." She was treated and then spent the next six months under psychiatric care, and treatment by electroconvulsive therapy and insulin.
Plath was to continue with school and earned an internship at Cambridge, where she was to meet Ted Hughes, the poet she married and had children with. It was not until 1962 that her depression returned in full force and she attempted to take her own life again. She ultimately succeeded in taking her life in February of 1963. While her children slept several rooms away Plath died of carbon monoxide poisoning after putting her head into a gas oven. She had sealed the rooms between the kitchen and where the children slept with wet cloths. She was 30 years old.
Two years I've been in recovery from self-harm.
I don't think I can last another day honestly. More recently, every time I've been getting angry or upset, I just want to hurt myself all over again. Well that would be two years wasted!! I can't stop the thoughts. I can't. They're literally consuming my brain more and more everyday. Just waking up is a struggle. Sleeping is even a chore for me now. I just want to hurt myself so badly because at least before when I did that, I didn't feel depressed or pain. When I used to hurt myself, I felt invigorated and a lot happier. I don't get it. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't therapy help? Nothing helps me anymore!!! I am so afraid I'll relapse. I can't do it though. I've worked so hard to get here. I just don't think I can take it anymore though. I want--- no, I need to hurt myself.
Please, help me.
I don't know what to do.
By Draco Malfoy
Now I resemble a sort of god
Floating through the air in my soul-shift
Pure as a pane of ice. It’s a gift.