Sometimes I manage to stop for almost 6 months. I can control it when I need to. If I know there will be an occasion where my legs might be unavoidably exposed, I can refrain from self-harming, at least long enough to let the cuts heal visibly. But that's because stopping for those few months is worth it, if it means I will be able to continue self-harming in the long-term. I don't want people interfering and intervening. I don't want the attention, the pity. I don't want to be put under a microscope. I even try to cut on my hips, right where my underwear would fall, so that the scars just look like elastic marks from my underwear. It's an easy way out, if anyone were to notice something and point it out.
So, no. I don't want to stop self-harming. I love it. I need it. It helps me. I'm addicted.
And at the same time... I want to stop self-harming. For once in my life, I just want someone to care enough to see that I'm in pain, and that I need help.
But I don't believe anyone can help me. Self-harm isn't something that "talking it out" can fix. I need to decide to stop on my own.
I know this is all contradictory. And I'm a horrible fucking person. I've accepted it.
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