I cut for 5 years of my life, and even after I stopped I still reverted back sometimes. I sought help, I talked to counselors, my family made efforts to try and catch me, and nothing seemed to work. But if I could go back, I wish someone would have told me how awful it is to have scars for the rest of your life. It’s been 4 years since I stopped, and I still have my scars. I’ll always have them. And it’s great, because it’s a reminder of what I got through, etc. But the part that sucks comes after you’ve moved on, after you’ve dealt with the guilt of hurting yourself and your family and friends, after you’ve let go of that part of your life. The shitty part is when you realize you can’t move on, because the scars will always be there. It’s easy enough to get used to them, to accept them as part of yourself. But other people look at you, who don’t know you, and make an instant judgement. It’s bad enough having to stop being ashamed once. It took me so long to be able to have the confidence and strength to wear a t-shirt in public when I was in high school. But I never thought that going to University, to a new school, would be the same thing all over again… you feel self conscious all the time because someone always notices, even 4 years later. So I wish someone had told me about the way I would feel like my body isn’t mine because of these scars that are all over it… on my legs, my stomach, my wrists. I wish someone would have told me that part of me would never feel like I’ve moved past it because there is a constant reminder of it. Dear reader, every time you cut is permanent. It’s not a temporary fix. Every cut is something you will carry with you for the rest of your life. If that’s what you want to be part of your identity, please continue. But it not only is a constant reminder to me, but to my parents, my sisters, my friends, of all the pain I put them and myself through. Is it really worth it? Because you will get out of it alive, if you have enough stamina. I was in a dark place for so many years, but I got through it. And my only wish is that I didn’t have to carry a reminder with me for the rest of my life. It’s really not worth the temporary emotional release.
Person [female, age 21, SI from 13-18, university student]