who am I...?
I know its bad, or not healthy. And sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so shitty like I do, but when I talk to my doctors and go into specifics and really talk about the depth of cutting or whatever else you want to call it I dont. They always ask me if I want help. Do I? I really don’t know. When I stopped taking my pills for depression they all asked why? Well sorry, but I really don’t know. It wasn’t because they weren’t working, or made me feel worse, that I was worried about what other people though, that they were too costly (which the weren’t), or any other reason. I just don’t want to change, I know that sounds unhealthy right there, but when you think about it, it makes sense. Right know, I have no idea who I am. I mean sure I have an idea, and so does everyone else who thinks that they know me, but I act. I’ve gotten very good at acting a certian way to be accepted around each person i’m with. Some people call me funny, and out going while others say i’m cold and distant. It all depends on who you talk to. I barely know who I am know, and even though I am not true to myself, at least I can fake fitting in. Who knows what i’ll be like if I take medication and all that.
Also, sometimes I feel like im different from everyone else, that there isn’t another option for me. I mean I cut when im mad. Not because im sad and hating my life. I hardly ever get sad, I just get mad. You know how when you get so mad you just want to break the closest thing, or throw something. Well thats not enough for me, I just need to feel, or not feel depending on how you look at it. I feel like “getting help” is just a waste of time. I mean some people cope by, walking, talking to someone, screaming, hitting a pillow, etc. Well for me, its cutting. Its what works. Its what i’m comfortable with. Its what I know.
Person [female, age 18, began to SI at age 14, graduate starting college]