Yes. And it's good.
I do feel pain when I self-harm. And it's so good.
I want to say I feel shitty about the fact that cutting myself comforts me so much, but I don't. The truth is, I feel better with each new cut.
I just sobbed in my room all afternoon, and one of my friends even sat with me for an hour or so. While he was there, I didn't feel any better. And when he left, I still didn't feel better. I just felt shitty. I felt shitty all day, and had been restraining myself from reaching for the blade. I hoped that if I saw my friends, I wouldn't need the blade today.
But when he left, I caved. And it was a great decision, because I instantly felt better.
Taking a shower, cleaning my room, sitting with a friend--none of these things comforted me today more than that blade.
Person 18 years old, freshman in university, started SI at 14.