My Story of being caught... *Sigh*
(If you see a Double post... Ignore it because i did it once and forgot to sign in) Well this sucks... I've been caught. My dad seems to know all about Self Harm... But now i'm worried about him coming to check up on me or trying to get me "Professional Help" that i don't Want/Need. So here's how i got caught: It was about 10:00 in the Morning and it had been a late night of Self Harm, so i slept in a bit. Last night i had Carved the word "PAIN" twice into my arm. Once in big letters on the back of my arm and again close to the back of my hand backwards so it says "NIAP" which is Pain backwards. (I wish i didn't do it there because that's how i got caught.) I could see that if i didn't take care of them soon... They would become infected. (Lately I've been going by this saying of mine. "I am My own Doctor" So when i have a wound, no matter how bad it is, i take care of it myself because i didn't want anyone to know what i had been up to... So i decided "That's it... I'm taking a bath!" So i ran a bath hopped in and cleaned up my Cuts... I stayed in there for a least close to an hour. So i came out and i felt very light headed because of all the steam so i didn't focus on hiding my Cuts. (I wish i did...) I decided to have Breakfast this morning. ( I'm a Breakfast Skipper) I popped some toast in the toaster then i sat down in the living room on the chair and my dad thought it was a bright idea to make me hold my baby sister... I started freaking out. "No no no no... She's gonna puke! She's gonna puke!!! I can hear it..." When my dad took her off me i rested my arm on my knee. And i had no idea my sleeve was down. (Just a bit) And my dad noticed the "P" Part of "NIAP" (Pain Backwards) and said "whats that!?" I glanced down and silently gasped and immediately pulled up the sleeve shocked because i knew what was about to happen and said "No. It's nothing, don't worry about it!" Then my step mum (My real mum and dad broke up) said "Your not hurting yourself are you?" I immediately without hesitation said "NO!" And got up and walked away back to my room. About 5 Minutes later... He came in. And started asking questions. I was on my Laptop at the time and decided for some odd reason to record the Conversation using the Mic from my Headset. (I guess it was so that i could use it to try Control what he thinks next time he comes into my room and brings it up.) So i opened up Audacity and hit the Record button and then locked my Laptop. The conversation i recorded went like like this:
Dad: Your my son and i care... Aye. Understand that?
Me: *Very quietly* Mm hm...
Dad: And i noticed you weren't very happy last week and i haven't gotten the chance to talk to you about it... But... If your doing stuff like that... We need to talk.
Me: No we don't.
Dad: Yeah we do...
Me: It's just something that i do, You don't need to worry about it...
Dad: No it's not something you need to do and it's something i do need to worry about because your my son. I've told you this before.
Dad: And i' would do anything for you... (I instantly thought "Then why don't you listen and leave me alone")
Dad: Don't feel embarrassed, or don't feel... Bad about it.
Me: I don't feel embarrassed.
Me: I'm not embarrassed
*Dad Sighs again*
*Silence for 8 Seconds*
Dad: Somethings bugging you...
Dad: Well something is. That's why you do that. Aye.
Me: There are many reasons why people do it.
Dad: Cause somethings bugging you that's why...
Dad; Weather its- ...... I dunno...
*Silence for 10 Seconds*
Dad: Go back and finish your breakfast. We're going to go drop Chrisy off. (A close friend of Dad and Step Mum)
Me: *Whispers loudly to myself* Ah Sh*t i forgot about that...
Dad: Whats that?
Dad: Yes... Because you got caught, that's why. You got side tracked. Go have your Breakfast please.
And as he walked out of the room i whispered to my self "Mother F*cker..."
So i was going to have breakfast but instead i grabbed the cold toast and tossed it in the bin and walked back to my room. He hasn't come in since but i'm worried because i don't know what to say. I cut not only because of stress and anxiety... But because i love the pain... The blood... Flowing and dripping down my arm. Some people might label me as some sort of "Emo" but oh well... I even have a Blood Book. I smear all my Blood from Cutting into it. It's filled with 13 Pages of Blood right now. The only person i have told (Outside of the Internet) Is my best friend (I should say my only friend...). And I've got him to keep it secret. Don't tell me he's not a good friend because he is. He understands and i told him not to tell anyone because i planned to reveal it all some time later but just not now because i can't. As for what i'm stressed out about. It's me worrying about what the rest of my life is going to like. I'm worrying because there is not a single job out there that i can do that i would enjoy because i don't want to live a miserable life in this pathetic world... I have a feeling that i am also going to fail School this year as well. (Because most of the subjects are pretty much stuff i really can not do like Art or Designing and stuff...) And i could not get most of my credits because of how much i suck at those subjects and how much i dislike it. But the main reason why i cut is because i want to feel the Pain. The Blood. But i also do use cutting to distract me from all my Problems. I WAS, Suicidal. But i stopped trying because... Well. I'm not afraid to do it. What i'm afraid of is What my Family's Reaction would be. When i'm ready to do it, I think of my Family and then i back out because of how they would react if i killed myself. Looking back... I've been through more than i think. I've been Bullied all my life. Which was one of the causes for Suicide. Some people say people cut for attention. With me, that is not the case AT ALL! I only managed to keep it secret for 6 weeks all because of one Cutting mistake. Next time... I will cut higher. Or in places where people will never look. I've learnt my lesson. And if your a Cutter. Take my advice (I'm not going to tell you to get help. I will only tell you to get help if YOU want help and you want to stop. But if you don't want to stop cutting like me then i won't tell you to stop) When you cut. Cut higher. Because cutting Lower, close to the back of my hand is how i got caught.
Person Male, 17, Been SI for 6 Weeks
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