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  • TalkativeIntrovert123

    No, I have not, and I probably never will


    • I have never told anyone that I cut myself, and I don't plan to anytime in the near future.

      Why not, you may be asking? Well, the answer is simple -- I don't want anyone to know that I self harm.

      I have had a bad experience with people finding out that I self harm...

      The only time anyone has found out that I self harm was accidental (sort of). I did not tell them that I self harmed. I used to hide my self harm tools and first aid kit in my backpack, and when my sisters were going through my stuff, they found my first aid kit and a few of my tools. They decided that it would be a good idea to hide my first aid kit, and dispose of the tools that they found. That same day, I walked into my room and opened up my backpack to see if my first aid kit and tools were still there (I regularly check to see if they're there), and they were missing! When I found out that my first aid kit had gone missing, I kind of freaked out.

      My sisters had been following me, and they saw my reaction to finding my first aid kit gone. I was freaking out, and they could tell. One of my sisters must've though that my reaction was hilarious, because I could see that she was suppressing a laugh, and trying not to smile. Then, she said, "What's wrong, are you freaking out because we hid your f***ing cutting first aid kit and tools? Cutter-Bitch!" My response to that was, "stealing bitch!" Heck, she did STEAL my tools and first aid kit....

      They now know that I'm a cutter. They must see me as a freakish attention seeker or something. I know that they see themselves as being "above" me, because I self harm and they do not, and I can just tell (I am very good at reading the emotions of others). I saw it for days after they found out, they just treated me differently. They treated me as if I was some kind of alien. They left me out of things. They just acted as if they were so much better than me.

      And it hurt. It hurt my heart, it hurt my emotions. It destroyed any trust that I once had in people. I don't trust anyone anymore.

      It hurt me so much emotionally that I needed that same release that I get from self harm. I turned back to self harm almost immediately, and it has gotten worse and worse.  I was desperate to start self harming again, especially since my emotions had been hurt so badly by my sisters. And I did. I managed to find all of the items from my first aid kit, along with one of the tools that they SAID were disposed of (a disposable razor that I assume was going to be used for its intended purpose of shaving leg hairs)... And I went to the Family Dollar store to buy me some more tools. I also found extra first aid kit items, and some more disposable razors (that were in the bathroom, in the package, for months before the incident of my sisters hiding my tools ever happened) were added to my tool collection.

      Ever since my sisters found out that I cut myself, and then proceeded to take away my tools and first aid kit, my self harm has been getting worse. It has, in a way, "fueled" the urge to harm myself. It sent me on a frenzy to replace the tools and first aid kit that had been stolen from me. I bought even more tools and found even more first aid kit items, which then allowed me to self harm more often and worse. I used to self harm sporadically, but now I self harm at least once a week, if not more. I used to make very shallow cuts, but now I cut deeper. I was trying to recover from self harm, but now I have almost completely given up on my recovery.

      If my sisters had never taken away my tools and first aid kit, I might have made it to one month clean. I was trying so hard to stop myself from cutting, and I WAS succeeding in my efforts. But then, my sisters had to come along and ruin everything - by messing with my emotions (by taking away my tools, they screwed up my emotions), calling me names, treating me as if I'm lower than them, etc.. I know that they were NOT trying to ruin my efforts in recovery. They probably thought that they were HELPING me in my recovery, in the only way they knew how, which was to take away ALL of my tools (it makes sense in a way, no more tools, no more cutting, they must've thought). But, their efforts to make me go "cold turkey" on cutting, just made everything worse.

      To this day, I do not trust any of my family members with any of my secrets. Especially those two sisters - I don't trust them at all anymore. They went through my stuff, which should not have happened anyway. Sisters just don't go through other sister's stuff like that, ESPECIALLY a backpack. (Heck, if you're going to go through my backpack, why not just do my homework for me?) They went through my backpack BEFORE school even started. Usually, people don't have school supplies in their backpacks until after they go shopping for school supplies... Well, we did go school shopping - before my sisters went through my backpack. I guess they must have been going through my backpack to steal some of my empty notebooks or something, and they just happened to find my cutting supplies... :/

       

      Oops :/ I guess. That will never happen again, thank goodness! It CAN'T happen again because I am a senior in high school, and I plan on moving out after I graduate from high school(or if I'm desperate to get out of the house, I'll move out when I turn 18, which will happen before graduation day). 

      That means that I won't have any nosy little sisters going through my stuff before school starts, like they did this school year. Yay!

       

      I do not plan on telling any of my family members that I self harm. Ever. Just a bad idea, if you knew what my family is like. ): 

      But, I DO plan on telling my future husband that I self harm. Hopefully, I will tell him that I self harm BEFORE we get married, perhaps when we are engaged. I want my marriage to built on trust, and that includes telling him that I self harm. (I do not want my husband to find out that I self harm on our wedding night, and have him be all like, "Where did you get all those scars? Why didn't you tell me this before?" That would be so awkward. It could possibly destroy trust in the marriage relationship.)

    • Person TalkativeIntrovert123
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