Self Harm and the reactions I get
I have struggled with self harm on and off for about 7 years. When I first began I was in 8th grade and I actually remembered confiding in my principal. I didn't simply tell her, more like showed her. I remember the concern and worry in her eyes but nothing really came of it. She essentially just told me that if I ever needed to talk to someone that she would be there for me. After that I began hiding in secrecy again. Something to note is that I am a child of divorced parents and I remember coming home from a visitation one weekend and my Mother and Stepfather had found a bag that I had kept next to my bed. Essentially the bag was a first aid kit but they figured out the purpose of it and had asked to see my arms. When I showed them they said, well at least you didn't do it right and stated that if I wanted to live with them that I needed to promise that I wouldn't self harm again.
A few months later, I was now living with my father and had a bedroom in a basement and ended up falling back into the fall that is self harm for me. I kept it a secret for quite a time and eventually told my best friend. She was very supportive and was always there whenever I needed to talk, unfortunately we had a falling out and she later threw the self harming back in my face. This was all within a 1-2 year span, 8th into the end of 9th grade. I did very well for a few years and ended up falling back into self harm when I was 18 and working at my first job, a local McDonalds. I had ended up befriending a manger there and become very close with her. I hit a hard patch and my self harming really took off I essentially became addicted and couldn't stop, I was constantly thinking about when I would be able to hurt myself again and it really escalated. I remember telling my friend and she had actually previously dated someone who self harmed. She was able to help for a while and even helped me stop. Of course I am terrible with friendships and ended up driving her away.
About a month ago I started self harming again, I told my new manager at work, I don't really know why? She was supportive and talked to me but essentially told me I needed help. It just goes to show that if someone hasn't encountered self harm before they don't really realize how hard it is to stop and how hard it is to let down a wall to tell someone that you're struggling.
Mostly after telling I primarily feel like a burden. I want to stop and know I can but I also know how hard it is to climb back out of the gaping hole of my self harming.
Thanks for listening, I'm not sure if that was an actual answer and I'm sorry If I seemed ramble-ly.