Before I cut, there are always feelings of inadequacy, failure, rejection, depression… Sometimes I feel completely useless, other times I feel really lonely. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be anything like the person that I’d like to be. I get an urge to cut - it’s not really a concious decision, I just feel like I need stress relief, and my feelings and thoughts stray pointedly close to the blade.
Then, in preparing for cutting - I can’t do it without cleaning (and sterilising) the blade first - I feel calm, and peaceful. As if the fact that I’m seeking this relief is a good thing, and the knowledge that soon, I’ll have something I can focus on, helps.
Whilst cutting, I feel all of my negative feelings again - in a way, feeling them as I cut is my way of writing them out wordlessly. But this time, they aren’t as strong or overwhelming. There’s also a slight feeling of detachment: the girl who’s doing this isn’t really me, is it? The me I know and the me I am most of the time think this is a stupid idea and that I’d have to be a moron or pretty seriously psychologically screwed up to do this (of course, these are possibilities >.>). While cleaning the wounds, disinfecting them and cleaning/sterilising the razor again, I feel calm. I’ve taken out all my anger, pain, depression, loneliness, etc. I feel like the sight of my blood helps to remind me that I’m alive.
After cutting, I always feel guilty: “I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t supposed to happen again. What would happen if my parents/friends found out?” I always journal thoughts, feelings, theories, and other little things in an attempt to catalogue it, and spot behavioural patterns. Suffice to say, I haven’t found any. In the days afterwards, when I get small amounts of pain from the wounds/scabs/scars, I think I should tell someone and ask for help. But I never know who I could turn to without it backfiring, so I never decide who to talk to, so I never talk to anyone. It’s a horrible circle. Eventually, I’ll break it.
Person [female, 16, started at 15, high school student]